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CREATING AN ALL-TIME WRESTLEMANIA CARD

It's been a very boring weekend for me. With my fiance in Florida, friends either out of town or medically unavailable, and my father also out of town, I had a lot of time on my hands and got to do a lot of thinking. One of the things I considered was hitchhikers who have signs that say “(Destination) or Bust”, and this got me wondering where this Bust place is and why so many people wanted to go there. You'd think that if a place is that popular that every hitchhiker in the country lists it as one of their two top destinations, it'd be a pretty well renowned tourist location, yet I've never seen any travel brochures or anything for the place. And I have to believe that since I have no idea where Bust is, neither do most truck drivers, which would explain why nobody ever picks up hitchhikers anymore. These are the kinds of thoughts that get me a desk at the back of the office.

 But another thing I started thinking about in between Bust, USA and my discovery that I don't need a rinse cup for brushing my teeth if I just use the spray nozzle on my kitchen sink to fill my mouth is that it would be a fun idea to do an All-Time Wrestlemania Card just for kicks. We all talk about classic, or all-time Wrestlemania matches and moments, but I decided to actually put one together and make a column out of it.

 So here's the rules: I'm going to pick one match from each of the 24 Wrestlemanias. Each wrestler can only work once. There will be one World Title defense (covering the WWF, WWE, and World Titles), one seconday title defense (covering the Intercontinental and United States Titles), one Tag Team Title (covering the WWF, WWE, and World Tag Team Titles), one underneath title defense (including the European, Hardcore, Light Heavyweight, and Cruiserweight Titles), and one Women's Title defense. Again, each title can only be defended once.

 This turned out to be a lot tougher than I thought, but I think in the end I put together a pretty entertaining card:

 Wrestlemania 1: Wendi Richter vs Leilani Kai (Women's Title Match)

 It was between this and the main event, but I gave this the nod because I needed Hogan and Piper later and to be fair, Wendi Richter was almost as big as Hogan and Piper at that point anyway, and would even main event shows Hogan wasn't on. The background to this was that Wendi Richter had ended the Fabulous Moolah's 80,000 year long Women's Title reign, but then Moolah had in turn cost Richter the title against Leilani, and this is the rematch. Wendi won the title, and would go on to get screwed by Moolah a second time, though this time it would be a complete shoot years before Montreal.

 Wrestlemania 2: Terry & Dory Funk vs Junk Yard Dog & Tito Santana

 Because there really wasn't anything good on this show, I decided to throw a match with names out there instead. This was Dory Funk Jr's only Wrestlemania appearance, and I know that I would have heard it if I didn't get Terry on the show, so here you go, you ECW devils. This was as good as anything on the show and had no real buildup that I know of, but the Funks went over when Terry pinned JYD after a shot from Jimmy Hart's megaphone.

 Wrestlemania 3: Hulk Hogan vs Andre The Giant (WWF World Title Match)

 The list of matches I considered for my World Title match was a very short one, but for this show I wanted either this or Savage-Steamboat, but I needed Savage elsewhere, so this one got the nod. I'm totally comfortable with this decision, since this was without a doubt the biggest World Title match in modern wrestling history. Other World Title matches may have been better, but no match had as much promotion and has become as big of a legend as this one. The match itself sucked, but the staredown at the beginning was amazing, as was Hogan trying to slam Andre and failing, almost costing himself the match in the first ten seconds. Hogan-Andre drew anywhere between 78,000 and 93,173 fans (depending on who you believe), and nobody gave Hogan a chance, but he fought the odds to bodyslam and legdrop Andre for the win. This was such a huge, major match that even though it wasn't the best ever from a technical standpoint, I can't think of how I could have justified making anything else my World Title match.

 Wrestlemania 4: Ricky Steamboat vs Greg Valentine But since he got bounced out of Wrestlemania 3, Ricky Steamboat instead gets the Wrestlemania 4 slot with Greg Valentine. This was an opening round match in the WWF World Title Tournament, and even though everyone thought Steamboat would go over and have a rematch with Savage in the quarterfinals, Valentine scored the upset win by reversing a flying bodypress for the win. Nobody knew this at the time, but Steamboat was on his way out of the WWF and this was his swan song. This was actually a pretty decent match, as good as anything else on the show which, like Wrestlemania 2, didn't exactly feature a lot of technical masterpieces.

 Wrestlemania 5: Mr Perfect vs Blue Blazer

 I knew I wanted both Owen and Hennig on the show, but my choices were pretty limited. I considered Owen vs Bret at Wrestlemania 10, but other than this, Mr Perfect never really had a “great” Wrestlemania match, so I decided to use this for my Wrestlemania 5 match. For a match that only lasted about five minutes, these two put on a really good match and showed what Owen was capable of years before he ever got a chance at getting over as himself.  This was also before the knee injury, so Owen was able to do high flying stuff he couldn't do by the time he got to the Bret feud. Perfect got the win with the Perfectplex and, in a weird twist of irony, called out Bret in an interview later in the show, though the blowoff to that wouldn't happen for over two years until Bret beat Perfect for the Intercontinental Title at Summerslam 91.

 Wrestlemania 6: Jake Roberts vs Ted Dibiase

 The obvious big match for this show would have been Hogan vs Warrior, but I had other places I wanted to use Hogan before this, and it would have burned up both my World Title and secondary title shots in one match. So instead I went with this, which was not only for a non-sanctioned title (which gives me a cheap way to get out of burning up my underneath title match), but was also the culmination of a year long feud between the two that began the year before when Dibiase stole Damien during Jake's match with Andre at Wrestlemania 5. In the year to come, Dibiase would break Jake's neck, and they would have a great string of matches on the house shows, including a good series at Madison Square Garden. The feud had a kind of anticlimactic ending here when Dibiase won by countout, but Jake got the last laugh when he came into the ring after the match, gave Dibiase the DDT, and started handing out his money to the fans at ringside. I've often wondered if they gave American or Canadian money out since they were in Toronto, but that's probably just me overthinking things again.

 Wrestlemania 7: Ultimate Warrior vs Randy Savage

 Both men obviously had important matches on other Wrestlemanias, but this was an incredible match, probably Warrior's best ever, and told a great story to boot. For those who weren't around in 1991, the Ultimate Warrior was the WWF Champion and Savage challenged Warrior, but Warrior refused to give him a title shot. Savage would then cost Warrior the WWF Title in a match against Sgt Slaughter (which is another rant for another day in and of itself), and then this match was signed where the loser would retire. I can't say enough how great this match was, and Savage bumped around like a pinball for Warrior. Savage gave Warrior five flying elbows, but Warrior kicked out, and the look of shock on Savage's face is one of the greatest of all time, and Warrior came back with the press slam and the big splash...but then Savage kicked out. Warrior then started hearing voices that apparently were telling him that he wasn't meant to win the match, and he turned and started to leave, but then Savage attacked him from behind. Warrior, filled with renewed determination, fought back and gave Savage three flying shoulderblocks, then pinned Savage with one foot to end Savage's career. After the match was over and Warrior left, Sherri climbed in the ring and got angry at Savage for losing and costing her her meal ticket. She started attacking him, and this prompted Miss Elizabeth, who was sitting ringside, to jump the rail, climb in the ring, and throw Sherri to the floor. Savage finally got up and was initially surprised to see Elizabeth in the ring, but then came to realize that it was Sherri who attacked him, and Savage and Elizabeth reunited, which legitimately made a lot of the people in attendance start crying. This was a great match with both men coming out looking strong, and great storytelling with Savage losing his career, but gaining something even better. Of course Warrior would walk out on the WWF within months and Savage and Elizabeth, who would have a big (staged) wedding at Summerslam, ended up getting divorced in real life less than a year later, and Elizabeth's now dead after choking to death while sucking down pills with alcohol, but at the time it was a really nice moment.

 Wrestlemania 8: Roddy Piper vs Bret Hart (Intercontinental Title Match)

 But to get back on a cheerier note, we have our third title match of the evening as Roddy Piper defended the only title he ever won in the WWF, the Intercontinental Title, against Bret Hart. This match ruled, and was the only time I ever remember Piper being pinned on WWF TV during his initial stint there from 85-92. That alone made it special, but it was a great match to boot that told a great story. Bret and Piper were both babyfaces and were friends, but tension began to build between the two leading up to this match, and even saw Piper grab Bret during an interview when Bret turned his back and cocked his fist back and said “Woulda had you.” That was followed up on in an interview before this match when Piper turned to leave at the end of the interview when Bret grabbed Piper and cocked his fist back and said “Woulda had you.” and then Piper took out his fist, which he had wrapped his belt around, out from behind the title belt and said “No you wouldn't have.” Bret started bleeding during the match, and even though he had bladed, they played it off as if he had been busted open hardway after taking a bulldog because the WWF had a no blood policy at the time,and in fact Ric Flair got a fine because he bladed later in the night. The end of the match came when the referee was knocked out and Piper went outside and grabbed the ring bell, then came back in and acted like he was going to hit Bret with it, but then he hesitated. Bobby Heenan was great on commentary here, yelling at Piper to hit him, but in the end Piper tossed the bell out of the ring and locked the sleeper on instead. Bret, who had a little time to recover while Piper was hesitating, kicked off the top turnbuckle and rolled over Piper's shoulders for the win. Piper, obviously disappointed at the loss, helped Bret to his feet and strapped the belt around his waist. Piper was on his way out of the company at the time (along with half the other people on this show), and he wanted to put Bret, who he had a lot of respect for, over strong on his way out the door. Mission accomplished.

 Wrestlemania 9: Rick & Scott Steiner vs Headshrinkers

 This is another case of there not really being anything worth mentioning on the show, so I just pick a match so that I don't waste any of the other guys on the show. This actually works out well because not only does it get both teams on the show, but it was actually pretty good and super stiff. Scott took a man-sized bump over the top rope to the floor, and even at the tender age of 14, a pre-smark me was like “Christ, that looked like it really hurt!” Scott ended up giving Samu a Frankensteiner, with Samu taking the bump right on the top of his head to boot, to pick up the win. Ugly but fun.

 Wrestlemania 10: Bushwhackers vs Heavenly Bodies

 Remember what I said about needing to pick a low-level match because I needed the other guys on the card elsewhere? Case in point. This was actually a preshow match, but I needed Owen elsewhere so the Bret-Owen match was out, I wasn't wasting my World Title match on either Yoko-Luger or Yoko-Bret, I put the Women's Title match on WM1, and Men On A Mission vs Quebecers DEFINITELY wasn't getting the Tag Team Title match. The Ladder Match was the obvious prime choice, but was out too because I had another match in mind for Shawn Michaels, and I even needed Bam Bam and Earthquake elsewhere, so this was all I was left with. You can see the finish on the preshow broadcast with Todd Pettengill, and the Heavenly Bodies got the win after heel chicanery.

 Wrestlemania 11: Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow

 I felt like I needed to include this since this is pretty much the best match you’re ever going to see that features a non-wrestler. Bam Bam and LT spent a ton of time putting this one together beforehand, and even though they obviously had the entire match very well planned out, it came off great and made Lawrence Taylor look like a million bucks. The funny thing is that a lot of people watched this match and started saying that LT should take up wrestling full time, not taking into consideration the massive amount of preparation that went into this one match. This did get Taylor a spot in the PWI 500 for 1995 though, so what do I know?

 Wrestlemania 12: The Huckster vs The Nacho Man

 This might seem like me taking the cheap way out of using a real match again, but the truth is I loved the Billionaire Ted skits and even though I am apparently in the minority on that one, I still thought they were hilarious. For those who weren’t around for these skits, Billionaire Ted was a spoof on WCW owner Ted Turner, who was portrayed as a clueless redneck hick who was out to put the WWF out of business. Along with his cronies the Huckster (a thinly veiled spoof on Hulk Hogan), the Nacho Man (Randy Savage), and Scheme Gene (Mean Gene Okerlund), Ted’s ineptitude was pure comedy gold, from the boardroom to the Larry Fling Show to a racially charged game show, this may have been as entertaining as anything in 1996. Yes, it was a comedy gimmick and yes, it was on the preshow, but I think this makes a great excuse to use Shawn and Bret elsewhere on the show, don’t you? No? Oh well.

 Wrestlemania 13: Ahmed Johnson & Legion Of Doom vs Nation Of Domination

 Of course I really wanted Bret vs Austin for this show, but both men were needed elsewhere, so instead we get the second best match on the show, which was actually a pretty good brawl. This was also held in the LOD’s hometown of Chicago, so the hometown boys just added that much more heat to the match. I don’t think anyone seriously expected the Nation to win this one, and indeed Ahmed and the LOD, three of the stiffest guys around at that time, picked up win in this Chicago Street Fight.

 Wrestlemania 14: TAKA Michinoku vs Aguila (Light Heavyweight Title Match)

 One of the knocks on the WWF’s light heavyweight division is that even on the rare occasions when they were being given a serious push, they still weren’t anywhere near the level of WCW’s cruiserweight division. With some of the names WCW had, it’s hard to argue that fact, but TAKA Michinoku definitely worked his ass off to carry the division, and he was able to put together a pretty good match with Aguila, who would later go on to hold the title as Essa Rios. The division was being built around TAKA, and he would win here and go on to hold the title for another six or seven months.

 Wrestlemania 15: Butterbean vs Bart Gunn

 Okay, I admit it, this match is only here because I still enjoy watching Bart Gunn get his head knocked off in under 30 seconds. You thought Kurt Angle looked bad after getting hooked by Daniel Puder? That was nothing compared to what happened to Bart Gunn. Gunn, who had won the Brawl For All tournament the year before, was basically thrown to the wolves by being put into a shoot with Butterbean, a legit toughman champion, and got almost no offense in before being knocked out cold. This was so damaging to Bart Gunn’s career that he left the WWF and never worked for a national promotion again, instead spending most of the rest of his career in Japan.

 Wrestlemania 16: Matt & Jeff Hardy vs Edge & Christian vs Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley (WWF Tag Team Title Match)

 These three teams defined tag team wrestling in the early part of the decade, so it was a no-brainer to have either this or the Wrestlemania 17 match as my tag team title match, but I had something else in mind for WM17 so we got the WM16 ladder match for the WWF Tag Team Title. This match was a straight up spotfest and all six men took an incredible beating. Even though they didn’t use the TLC name for the match until Summerslam later this year, I really consider this to be the first TLC match, TLC 0 if you will. The end finally came when Edge and Christian threw Matt Hardy off a ladder and through a table, then claimed the belts to win their first ever tag title. Interestingly, they didn’t become the goofball heels they became famous as until the night after this show, but they never looked back.

 Wrestlemania 17: Gimmick Battle Royal

 I know that there’s a lot of people who are going to say I’m commiting some kind of sacrelige because out of what a lot of people consider the greatest PPV of all time, this is what I picked. Well, I really wanted Rock and Austin, but I needed the World Title for Hogan and Andre, and I already used the guys in TLC2 from their match the year before, and I wanted Undertaker elsewhere, so after that I thought this was the most entertaining thing on the card. Some newer fans might not have the same appreciation for this match, but I grew up on guys like Earthquake, Tugboat, Sgt Slaughter, and especially Repo Man. Having Okerlund and Heenan on commentary made it even better, especially considering how happy they obviously were to be back working for the WWF. To this day I don’t understand why they didn’t put Michael Hayes over since the show was in Texas, but I guess it doesn’t really matter since he’s been retired for years. Besides, the ending they booked was totally fine with me, with the evil (and largely immobile) Iron Sheik getting the cheap win, but Sgt Slaughter getting his heat back afterward by putting him out with the Cobra Clutch. It was one of those things where your youth comes back for one night and you can’t help but smile.

 Wrestlemania 18: The Undertaker vs Ric Flair

 Ric Flair had returned to the WWF a few months before this and was mostly in a non-wrestling role, but this was a hot program and showed that Flair still had what it took in the ring. Unlike a lot of people, I didn’t believe for a second that Flair was going to beat the Undertaker, and if anything the Undertaker made it look a little too easy, especially after Arn Anderson’s surprise run-in. Undertaker went through both the Horsemen and, with a big smile on his face Tombstoned Flair for the win. Flair did put on a good show though, and I really thought he was in for another World Title run after this, but unfortunately it never came.

 Wrestlemania 19: The Rock vs Steve Austin

 I knew for a fact I wanted an Austin vs Rock match on my card, but the problem was that the WM15 and WM17 matches were WWF Title matches, and I needed the title for Hogan vs Andre. Beginning to see how handcuffed you can get doing something like this? Anyway, this was definitely the weakest of the three matches, but it was still a good match nonetheless, which is amazing considering that Austin’s health wasn’t the best between his neck and the fact that he was rushed to the hospital the night before. Somehow he toughed it out and put on a good show that had the distinction of being both Austin’s last match to this day, as well as Rock’s only singles pinfall victory over Austin EVER. Think about that for a second, you have the two top guys on the Attitude Era WWF/WWE, and Rock only ever beat him once, and that was the very last time they wrestled. Believe me, I’ve checked up on this one, and it still amazes me that the series of matches between these two could be so one-sided, but there it is.

 Wrestlemania 20: Brock Lesnar vs Bill Goldberg

 Much like Butterbean vs Bart, I chose this one due to it being a complete trainwreck, but in a completely different way. The backstory tells the entire story for this one, so let me start at the beginning: Bill Goldberg had come to WWE the day after Wrestlemania 19, but never quite got over as well as he did in WCW, despite getting the World Title from Triple H. If anything, his attitude left a lot to be desired and a lot of smart fans, who didn’t like him very much to begin with, turned on him even more after finding out about a backstage scuffle with Chris Jericho and other superstar antics. Wrestlemania 20 was going to be his last match, and most fans were none to sad to see him go. In the meantime, Brock Lesnar made his debut the night after Wrestlemania 18, and had been pushed to the WWE World Title within five months. He was given the monster push of a lifetime, including dominant wins over the Rock, the Undertaker, Rob Van Dam, Kurt Angle, Hulk Hogan, and pretty much everyone else thrown in his path. He was obviously going to be “The Guy” and when the match with Goldberg for WM20 was booked, everyone expected Goldberg to put Lesnar over on the way out the door. However, life on the road didn’t quite agree with him, and after he dropped the WWE Title to Eddy Guerrero and was informed that he would be pushed down the card for a while, he decided that he didn’t want to wrestle anymore and told WWE that he was done after Wrestlemania 20. So now that both guys were on their way out, nobody had any idea who was going to be made to job, but everyone was really looking forward to seeing what happened. The match itself wasn’t very good at all, both men were obviously just going through the motions and seemed more concerned with pissing off the smart crowd than putting on a halfway decent match. The crowd was booing both guys, and the guy getting the best reaction was special referee Steve Austin. I guess they decided that as much of a pain in the ass as Goldberg had been, Lesnar had screwed them even worse because Lesnar ended up doing the job. After the match, Lesnar got in Austin’s face, earning him a Stunner, and then Austin shared a beer with Goldberg…before giving him a Stunner as well. Total trainwreck, but it was a very interesting example of politics finding their way on screen.

 Wrestlemania 21: Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels

 This was the one match I felt I had to include because not only do I consider it the best match in Wrestlemania history, but one of the best matches I’ve ever seen, period. Despite both men not being quite as young and spry as they used to be, they were both totally on their game at Wrestlemania 21 and easily stole the show. I consider Michaels the best wrestler of the 90s, and Angle the best wrestler of the 00s, so it was a match I had wanted to see for a long time and was a dream come true for me. After an awesome, awesome, awesomeawesomeawesome match, Kurt Angle got the ankle lock on Michaels and, despite Michaels trying to fight out and hanging on as long as a man humanly can, he was finally forced to tap out, totally clean, right in the middle of the ring.

 Wrestlemania 22: Edge vs Mick Foley

 On the other hand, these two made it onto my show, but not for the right reasons. Probably the biggest reason was that this show sucked hardcore. Another reason was that this match was Mick Foley’s “big Wrestlemania moment.” Oh, about that, the big spot in this match was Edge spearing Foley off the ring apron and through a flaming table. A couple of problems with Foley’s big moment: first, Foley had already made enough “comebacks” before this that another one against Edge wasn’t anything special, and people had really stopped caring about Foley by this point. Another one was that that spot was the one notable thing about the match, as I can’t even really remember much else that happened. The worst part, though, was that nobody remembers it. It was a contrived spot on a crappy show, and I’d be willing to bet that until I brought it up, none of you even remembered it happened. It makes me sad, but Foley has been desperately trying to regain his Attitude Era glory for years, and this just came off as a sad, pathetic, last ditch effort that made people feel bad for him way more than it made people respect him.

 Wrestlemania 23: Bobby Lashley vs Umaga

 Can you tell I’m starting to run out of good matches? The ECW Title was not on the line here, which gets me out of blowing a World Title match (as if it would have really counted as that anyway), and it was the match that most of the promotion surrounding WM23 centered on anyway. The match itself was there, but most of the fun happened afterward, including Vince getting his head shaved and Donald Trump doing the worst selling job of the Stunner in history. “Oooh, he gave me the Stunner, that kind of stung!”

 Wrestlemania 24: Floyd Mayweather vs Big Show

Again, all the real good talent and title matches were locked up elsewhere, so much like WM23, I decided to use the match that was put out there to get the media attention. In this case, the celebrity would actually be competing and I have to say that the match was very well booked. Big Show is seven feet tall and 400 pounds, while Floyd is like two feet shorter and almost 300 pounds lighter, so it made sense that Big Show would just destroy him through the whole match until the sneaky tiny guy snuck in with the brass knucks to KO the Big Show so he won the match, but had to take a shortcut to beat him. Interestingly, this is the Big Show’s second loss to a non-pro wrestler at Wrestlemania, the first being his Wrestlemania 21 sumo loss to Akebono. I’m sure he got good paydays for both matches, though, so I’m sure he’s not too upset about it.

 * * *

 As you can see, this turned into quite a complicated logic puzzle, and a lot of big time stuff got left out. Triple H, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Eddy Guerrero, John Cena, Kane, Demolition, the British Bulldogs, Rick Rude, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash all got left off the show. A lot of classic Wrestlemania matches didn't make it because they featured a title or a wrestler I needed somewhere else. Still though, lots of fun, and if there's enough of a demand for it I might do one for Summerslam somewhere down the line.

 Before I go, I’d just like to mention that I’m taking a cue from Buck and, since I’m moving, I have a large number or wrestling tapes and DVDs that I’m looking to sell at very reasonable prices. If you’re interested, write me an email and I’ll send you a list of what I have. Inquiries and all feedback, including your own all time Wrestlemania cards if you feel so inclined, can be sent to stupwinsider@yahoo.com. See you next time!