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Hey hey everybody and welcome back to Zach’s How To Guide. We’re at Chapter 16, and I am taking on an unenviable task, refreshing Total Nonstop Action. But we have some business to attend to first, so in the words of Thaddeus R. Long, let’s get to steppin’.
Ok first, RAW this past week. I’m not gonna pull a Stephen Colbert here and scream I told you so, but check out the column I wrote two weeks ago about Jericho-Rourke. I said Steamboat would get elected to the Hall, he would come out to thank the fans, and Jericho would beat the everloving bejesus out of him. Granted I said that he would then challenge Flair, but I’m happy to see the Steamboat thing come to fruition. Rumor actually has him fighting Jerry Lawler at Wrestlemania, so we’ll see how this plays out.
Now to last week’s name game. Week two went quite well, with many of you sending in some great responses for names for Tyson Kidd’s springboard elbowdrop. I hereby decree that from now on, we shall call the move THE DUNGEON DROP. Someone did recommend the Dungeon of Doom, but I think Kevin Sullivan and his brother Evad would be pretty ticked bout that…[Points if you get the Evad reference]
For week three, let’s continue with the elbowdrop trend. It pains me to ask you to even think about this, but seeing as we’re talking about TNA, we might as well ask for a finisher for one of their worst gimmicks. So I may regret this, but if anyone has any idea what to call Shane Sewell’s flying elbow, please send comments to zachlevine86@gmail.com.
Alrighty, Total Nonstop Action. What began in 2002 in an Asylum in Nashville has turned into, well, something very predictable. Now I’m not longing for the good ole days of TNA with the Rainbow Express, Dupps, Hardcore 10, and anytime Vince Russo was on my television, but I think the product needs to hit the restart button. There are some amazing talents in the company, and some that could lead the company in the future, but why do I feel like some feuds have two year life spans. Good lord theres only so much tension between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash that I can take before I become immune to anything I see.
Now TNA recently has taken steps to fix the rut they are stuck in. They have tried to wittle down their roster by firing one person a week. And I don’t know whether to laugh or be appalled that currently Beer Money are having matches called Off The Wagon where the loser gets fired, and then the loser really does get fired in real life. Here’s hoping the doors in Orlando didn’t hit you too hard on your way out.
What makes the matter funny to me is that the reason many first turned to TNA was because of the X Division. And who is in the X Division now? The Guns, Jay Lethal, and Consequences Creed. Literally everyone else has been fired. Something needs to be done about this. Let’s give it a crack.
1. Wrestlers are either heels or faces. The whole roster cannot be made up of tweeners. Hear that Sting, Guns, and anyone ever teaming with Taylor Wilde? Pick a side and stick to it. The more you complicate the situation, the tougher it becomes to follow.
2. Sign Elijah Burke, Armando Estrada, Chuck Palumbo and Paul London, and push them as upper-mid carders. Please. These stars the WWE missed the boat on big time, and if used properly could turn into another Christian Cage situation. Obviously you don’t have to sign every WWE castoff, lord knows I don’t want to see Snitsky in a TNA ring, but sign the mid card athletes who could put on a hell of a show.
3. Break up the Main Event Mafia. A nice run was had, but I gotta be honest, the gimmick died pretty quickly on me. Booker and Kurt are the only two who consistently wrestle, and the main event picture needs to be filled with new stars.
4. Reward guys like AJ, Joe, LAX and Robert Roode for resigning with the company and not jumping ship. They want to stay in TNA, they are all relatively fresh faces, and should all get main event opportunities in the upcoming year.
5. I know this is redundant, but if I see one more pole match, I’m gonna lose it. Enough with the lame gimmick matches already. Look, Ultimate X – Awesome. Elevation X – Good lord no. Gauntlet matches – Cool. Reverse Battle Royals – Me having to plop down $500 on a new tv cause I threw my remote through the damn screen!
Wow, actually worked up a sweat writing that last piece. Anyways, whats ironic is that even with all the hate, I still have hope for TNA. Plenty of solid wrestlers on the roster, but plenty of horrible ones holding everyone back. Let’s try to weed through the garbage so the WWE has some competition on there hands.
Thank you all for reading. Please send any and all feedback to zachlevine86@gmail.com. Be well everyone and stay tuned for next week…and I mean it this time…how to continue the Tommy Dreamer storyline.
