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UFC THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER TV REPORT

I can't be sure, but I’m guessing that the 21 fights we've seen over six episodes of this season’s The Ultimate Fighter has to be some sort of record. So, now that we're halfway through the season, someone involved with the show's production has decided that the time is right to slow it all down for the traditional coaches' challenge. You know, the one where two professional athletes show a lack of coordination and overall physical acumen as they compete for a sloppy stack of bills toted by a camera-loving UFC President Dana White. I guess we'll probably see an actual fight tonight as well, but don't tell that to the fine folks at ufc.com, whose promotion for tonight's show focuses solely on the Bisping-Henderson matchup that we don't want to see.

Before we get to the fun and games, though, we’ll have to sit through some of that boring MMA stuff. Team U.K. coach Michael Bisping is happy his team won the most recent fight, saying that losing the previous two in a row “wasn’t sitting well with me.” Well, if you don’t like to watch your team lose, you could always just not show up for their fights. Bisping tells us that lightweights David Faulkner and Jason Pierce will be the next to compete. Faulkner’s fellow Brits put him over, with teammate Jeff Lawson describing him as “ever, ever, ever so good.” Thanks for the ever, ever, ever so overstated opinion.

Back at the house, Team U.S. lightweight Richie Whitson reveals that he’s got an infection on his face. Although Richie insists that the infection is not the same herpes strain that cost the Americans one of their fighters during the elimination round, germ-freak housemates like Jason and Frank Lester aren’t taking any chances. Jason proceeds to go room-to-room in the house, spraying every square inch of the home with an aerosol disinfectant. I’m all for being sanitary and everything, but really, do you need to spray – or, as Chris Leben would say, “spritz” – someone’s pillow?

After taking out their aggressions on a skin-based infection that they believe has somehow defied science and become airborne, the Americans return to their gym to train. Jason reveals that he broke some blood vessels in his foot during his elimination bout, and is still recovering. During one drill, he instinctively kicks, resulting in a tremendous amount of pain that actually has him doubling over. Team U.S. coach Dan Henderson tells Jason to avoid kicking, and instead try to remember to throw knees. That is, assuming Jason’s fear of fighting his friend – I mean, hurting his foot again – doesn’t stop him from competing.

It’s Team U.K.’s turn to practice, and Bisping has arranged for his guys to swing a sledgehammer at a tire lying on its side. Apparently not everyone wields a sledgehammer with HHH-like accuracy, as lightweight Andre Winner misses the huge target altogether and tears a hole in the mat. At first Bisping is worried about the damage, but then justifies it by saying that it’s the show’s producers’ fault, since they saw Team U.K. setting up the drill and did nothing to dissuade them. Yeah, because the camera crew has intervened every time someone has done something idiotic on this show. Like the time they stopped Josh Koscheck and Bobby Southworth from turning a hose on Chris Leben. Or when they stepped in and saved David Kaplan from eating spunk-covered sushi. Way to deflect, coach!

It’s time for Team U.S. to commandeer the gym again, and this time Jason is fed up with his coaches’ demands. Cameras catch Jason complaining to a teammate that, after two-and-a-half days of demanding practices, he can’t believe they’re being expected to spar. Wow, I hadn’t heard that Season 3 whiners Kalib Starnes and Tait Fletcher were making a guest appearance tonight. Assistant coach Cyrille Diabate says that Jason is “very negative,” then gives the team a pep talk that ends with the fighters pairing up to spar. Jason, however, heads for the locker room, refusing to take part.

Maybe no one called him out on it at the gym, but Jason’s teammates have lots to say back at the house. Gathered in a room, several Team U.S. fighters question a non-present Jason’s work ethic and desire, with Santino DeFranco suggesting that Jason is afraid to fight his scheduled opponent. Lightweight Jason Dent then walks in and hears what’s being said, then chastises his teammates for bashing Jason Pierce behind his back. The Jasons then converge downstairs, with Dent telling Pierce what had been said about him upstairs. Jason Pierce is annoyed but accepts his team’s lack of integrity, saying that making friends isn’t the reason why he is on the show. If only someone would have passed down this advice to previous seasons’ competitors like Allen Berube or Matthew Riddle.

As Jason continues to train through his foot injury, it looks like his opponent this week has issues of his own. We see that, like Richie, David is dealing with an infection, this one the result of hitting himself with the sledgehammer earlier on. As Bisping tries to figure out how the freak accident occurred, David reveals that, while a doctor has ruled out the possibility of cellulitis, he is experiencing flu-like symptoms. Jeez, between Jason’s bad attitude and both guys’ injuries, this has the makings of a really weak fight.

Speaking of really weak, it’s time for the highly anticipated coaches’ challenge. Hopefully this can live up to the excitement of previous seasons’ ping-pong and bowling outings. Dana greets both teams and their coaches on a tennis court, prompting Bisping to announce, “Wimbledon.” He’s right, other than the fact that this isn’t England, the courts aren’t grass, and the people playing are probably not very good tennis players. Morale is high among the Americans, with Henderson telling Dana that the $10,000 prize is as good as won. Dana announces that, in addition to the coaches’ competition prize, each fighter on the winning coach’s team will win $1,500. Counting the $400 he won from his teammates last week for losing four teeth, this could wind up being a profitable season for Frank.

As the coaches warm up, an American fighter mocks Bisping’s skin tone, saying that Band-Aids are more tan than the Team U.K. coach. For some reason, the innocuous and unfunny joke gets under Bisping’s pale skin, prompting him to refer to the remark as “below the belt.” Verbal sparring aside, it’s time to begin, and Bisping gets things started by serving up an ace. Though Bisping correctly calls out the score as 15-love, Dana overrides him by calling it “one point.” We fast-forward through the competition, which Henderson eventually wins, 6 games to 2, by pulling out tricks one Team U.K. fighter says were borrowed from the “Serena Williams playbook.” Bisping downplays his loss, saying he’ll get his revenge on Henderson when they meet at UFC 100.

Despite having learned this week’s matchup at the start of the episode, apparently we’re being treated to a formal fight announcement anyway. Bisping lets us know that, tonight, he has decided that Ross Pearson will take on Richie. Huh? Where did that come from? With no explanation for the change, we switch gears and prepare to watch these two lightweights compete. Team U.K. predicts a decisive victory for Ross, thanks to his excellent hands, while Henderson thinks that, despite having had to miss some mat time due to his infection, a well-rested Richie can pull off the upset.

As we watch Team U.S. train, a voiceover by Richie informs us that he hails from a small fishing village in Alaska. Richie is a formally trained fighter, having lived in Thailand for a while to study muay thai. Henderson is impressed more than anything by Richie’s heart, saying he’s a scrappy kid who will take the fight to Ross. Just how scrappy is he? To answer that, we see footage of him falling completely out of the cage during one workout when the door gives way. Despite having fallen several feet onto his back, Richie gets back into the octagon to resume his workout.

At the house, Richie celebrates his birthday, blowing out candles on a cake Henderson give him as an unimpressed Ross looks on. The real party is outside, though, as a cameraman practically risks life and limb to rush to a scene where Cameron is bawling. Clearly inebriated, Cameron cries about everything from wanting to earn money, to missing his family, to wishing he had a better relationship with his father. What is this, Dr. Phil?

After a night of consuming cake and alcohol, what better time to weigh in? As both guys step on the scale, Dana lets us know that he still hasn’t given up on comparing Richie with another famous redhead, 2006 Olympic gold medalist Shawn White. Laughing at his own “joke,” Dana refers to tonight’s bout as the pit bull versus the “scrappy snowboarder,” and says both guys will have a tough fight. You know, kind of like the tough fight Dana is facing, trying desperately to come across as cool and funny.

Ross is in no mood to joke around, though. The über-intense Brit tells us he has been training MMA since he was 7 or 8 years old. So much for Henderson’s claims earlier this season that MMA in the U.S. is several years ahead of the U.K. Bisping is impressed with Ross’ motivation, predicting that he will “absolutely destroy” Richie. You mean, the way Martin Stapleton was going to totally destroy Cameron last week? Team U.K. is obviously not several years behind the U.S. when it comes to hyping its athletes. Ross talks more in a confessional interview…then starts to cry. Seriously, what am I watching? Forget the free alcohol – can we get these guys a therapist?

It’s fight day, and Richie leaves the house with several of his teammates. One of them, Frank, breaks the fourth wall by flexing for the camera and kissing his right biceps. Yeah, you look pretty tough – we’ll just ignore the jacked-up face and missing teeth from last week’s beatdown. In the locker room, Ross is all fired up, with Bisping helping him focus and get motivated. Actually, he’s instead making comments about the tennis match he lost. Come on man, get over it!

The time is now 10:54 – considering we have to get through the fight, its recap and next week’s preview, I’m thinking this isn’t going to take long. The fighters touch gloves, and the action begins. Richie throws a couple of kicks, then they tie up toward the cage and jockey for position. After they separate, Ross attacks, and Richie tries to catch him in a guillotine. Instead, Ross slams him and takes his back, but Richie is able to get back to his feet and squirm free. Too bad for him – Ross unloads a series of big punches, as well as a great knee to the face that leaves the scrappy snowboarder dazed. Man, what a stupid nickname. Ross tries to take Richie down, only to end up in another guillotine. Again, Ross picks him up and slams him, but as a downed Richie tries to get free, Ross knees him in the head, prompting referee Herb Dean to halt the bout and take a point from Ross.

Richie is able to continue, and we start again. Both guys throw and land combos, with Ross getting the better of the exchange. He forces Richie into the fence, then picks him up and slams him. This is starting to get old. Richie works his way free, but this time Ross waits until Richie is off his knees, and times a knee perfectly. Richie still makes it to his feet, and they exchange again. You know what I haven’t seen in a while? Ross picking up Richie and slamming him. Oh, there he goes now. That’s four. Ross takes his back, then slides over the top to secure an armbar. Wow, that was nice and fluid, especially Ross repositioning his legs in the transition. Richie taps, and Team U.K. is up 4-2.

Afterward, Ross is pleased with the outcome. Richie, however, lambastes himself for his poor performance, totally blowing off Team U.K.’s Dean Amasinger’s attempts to be sportsmanlike as he returns to the locker room. Richie goes all Napoleon Dynamite, announcing that he “fought like an idiot.” Which is actually a pretty fitting reference, considering he performed like he trains in Rex Kwon Do.

Random thoughts:

Why did the pre-show promo ask whether the next fight would feature lightweights or welterweights, when it was easy to figure out that since the welterweights fought last, the next bout would be at 155?

Can you blame Jason Pierce and Frank for being so paranoid about Richie’s contagious facial infection?

Still, didn’t they go a little overboard by draining can after can of Lysol on Richie’s non-airborne infection, spraying it in areas where Richie wasn’t even present?

And if Jason was really that worried about catching Richie’s infection, why was he walking through the house without wearing any sort of mask or protective gear?

When Henderson was reminding Jason to not kick with his bad foot, did he really think Jason would be successful throwing knees at his opponent instead, “even when he’s 5 feet away”?

Did you hear Henderson refer to it as an ankle injury, even though Jason said it was his foot?

Shouldn’t a coach know which part of his fighter’s body is injured?

Did Bisping honestly believe that one gym mat was worth several thousand dollars?

And did he also really think the tire was “six feet wide,” when it was maybe half that size?

Isn’t it weird to see guys like Jason complain about working hard, rather than appreciate the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity they’re getting?

Wasn’t it funny to see the Team U.S. get busted talking smack behind Jason’s back?

And why did Jason say he’s not on the show to make friends, when his friendship with David Faulkner is one of the main reasons his teammates don’t like him?

When David said he was experiencing flu symptoms from his leg infection, how come Jason didn’t spray the house with Lysol again?

What does it say about Dana when he admits that the coaches’ challenge is his favorite part of every season?

What was up with Bisping’s forced laughter at the start of the challenge?

Why was David criticizing his opponents for saying “USA” on a three-count, when they’ve been doing it all season?

Why was the Band-Aid comment so offensive to Bisping, especially coming from “a black guy” like Damarques?

With all the famous male tennis players in the world, why did Team U.K. compare Henderson’s superior play to that of a female player?

When Henderson won, did Damarques’ ex get excited, hoping that he would again use his prize money to pay child support?

Why did the producers spend so much time building to Jason-David, only to swerve us with an alternate fight announcement halfway through the show?

Why did Richie say he’d try to make it a quick fight if he didn’t have all his energy back? Wouldn’t he want it to be over quickly regardless?

When Richie and his training partner crashed through the octagon door and spilled onto the floor, was anyone else expecting an “ECW” chant to break out?

After the Gabe Ruediger debacle in Season 5, why would anyone on this show eat birthday cake?

So, guys were spraying the house with Lysol to fight Richie’s infection, yet someone felt OK smearing frosting on his face while he blew out his candles?

Why was Ross still walking around in a towel after the weigh-ins were done?

And if he came in a full pound under the limit of 156, why did he strip all the way down before getting on the scale?

What was with all of the crying this week?

When Richie walked out for the fight and took off his shirt, was Bisping tempted to use the Band-Aid joke on him?

Wow, could Amir Sadollah have talked any faster during the “Inside the Octagon” segment?

Why would any of his fights be considered among the UFC’s 100 best, when TUF bouts aren’t considered official?

Did you catch him doing the Mike Goldberg “inside the octagon” fist pump at the end of the segment?

After watching Ross manhandle his protégé, is Henderson re-thinking his previous assertion that the Brits have no wrestling?

Why did a Team U.S. coach tell the referee, “Don’t rush my team,” when all he did was ask an obviously clear-headed Richie if he was OK and could continue?

How frustrating must it have been for Richie to have no answer for Ross’ repeated slams?

How much do the Brits like to throw knees to the head from the clinch?

When Richie chastised himself for fighting “like an idiot,” whom did he remind you of more: Napoleon Dynamite, or the self-berating public-access TV host Chris Farley used to portray on Saturday Night Live?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.