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THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER REPORT

After several seasons of mediocre fighters, half-hearted feuds between coaches, juvenile destruction and drama, and lots of camera time for UFC president Dana White, the producers of The Ultimate Fighter have finally given fans a consistently good show with “Team United States vs. Team United Kingdom.” For the first time in years, we’ve seen lots of training, lots of fight preparation, and lots of good action. For sure, Season 9 ranks among the series’ best.

Which is why it’s a shame that, lately, everyone only wants to talk about Season 10.

Earlier this week, Dana announced that former street fighter and EliteXC headliner Kimbo Slice will be a contestant on the show’s next installment. While Slice’s decision to forsake freak-show boxing-match money for a Spike TV reality show illustrates his commitment to being taken seriously as a mixed martial artist, it also shows that even a cult hero like Slice recognizes that the UFC – even at a bottom-rung level – is the only game in town. When the heavyweights move into the TUF house this fall, and the show becomes all about Kimbo, don’t be surprised if you find yourself longing for the days of Season 9.

Thankfully, we’re still getting to enjoy this season, which continues tonight with our first semifinal bout. This week’s episode starts with Dana opening the Team U.S. locker room door, which looks to have taken more punishment this season than Frank Lester’s face, and summoning Team U.S. coach Dan Henderson to discuss the semifinal matchups. Team U.K. coach Michael Bisping is also there, and while the coaches pretty much agree on the 170-pound bouts, there is disagreement on what the lightweight matchups should be. Dana then asks each fighter whom he would like to fight. As if that will make any difference in the final selection.

The first welterweight bout is almost a lock – Team U.K.’s James Wilkes wants to fight Damarques Johnson, who in turn requests the same matchup so that he can “hurt his feelings.” What are you going to do, tell James how ridiculous his Triple H moustache looks? The other semifinalists then make their own preferences known, with American lightweight Cameron Dollar rounding things out by calling out his own teammate Jason Dent, then immediately backtracking. Dana is intrigued, however. Wow, maybe the fighters’ opinions really do make a difference.

After the fighters have spoken, Dana proposes to the coaches that the semifinals be teammate versus teammate. Gee, that’s original – never seen Dana pull that one out before. Remember when he jokingly threw the same idea at coaches BJ Penn and Jens Pulver during Season 5? Unfortunately, Dana apparently doesn’t. Anyway, Bisping doesn’t like the idea, believing that the Brits are the stronger team. Out of nowhere, Dana suddenly does a complete 180, and says that anything other than keeping with the Team U.S. versus Team U.K. theme is a bad idea. Huh?

Before we can comprehend how pointless that entire segment turned out to be, we’re whisked forward in time to the fight announcements. The welterweights are out first, as Dana lets us know that Team U.K.’s Nick Osipczak will take on Damarques. As Dana reveals his decision to stick with a country-versus-country system, we learn that Cameron will meet Andre Winner; Team U.K.’s Ross Pearson will fight Jason; and James will battle American dark horse Frank Lester…again.

Back at the house, both teams celebrate the arrival of the semifinals by eating dinner together. It doesn’t take long for American Jason Pierce to once again side with the Brits, telling David Faulkner about how Team U.K. was taking the competition more seriously than his own infighting teammates. Suddenly, Team U.S. lightweight (and fellow skin-infection-carrier) Richie Whitson walks in on the conversation. Jason explains that he doesn’t hang out with his teammates because they break dishes and “act like animals.” Did he not ever see this show before signing up for it? He then challenges Richie to move up in weight so they can fight, then tells Richie, “I’ll smash your eyeballs.” Is that even physiologically possible?

The next morning, Richie lets his teammates know that Jason has been giving the Brits tips on Damarques’ fighting style, in effect selling out his own guys. Richie says the Americans have pretty much disowned Jason, though he doesn’t see why Team U.K. would want him, either. Uh, maybe so he can spy on the Americans and help the Brits prepare?

As we watch Team U.S. train, Damarques puts himself over by proclaiming himself to be “the best in the house.” Henderson agrees, saying Damarques is strong in all aspects of the sport. Damarques believes he will defeat Nick, then once again promises to “hurt his feelings.” Damarques may well-rounded in the cage, but his cliché game is pretty one-dimensional.

Unlike last season, where Junie Browning’s betrayal of his own teammates went unchallenged, Henderson decides to confront Jason on allegedly feeding the Brits inside information on the Americans’ training. Jason flat-out denies any wrongdoing…which might have worked had there not been cameras filming the entire thing. Selling out his own team on camera, then lying about it – who does Jason think he is, Vinny Magalhaes?

Team U.K. takes over the training center, and Nick confirms that his fight planning has been aided by some insider tips from Jason. Looks like we’re building to Damarques-Nick this week, even though Dana never said which semifinal bout would be first. As he puts Nick through the wringer during training, Bisping lets us know that being a fighter is all about pushing hard during practice, which can be a thankless job. He adds that competing in a professional MMA fight is the “easy part” of the sport. Somehow I don’t think he would have said this during his bout with Matt Hamill.

It’s fight day, and both guys are excited. Nick acknowledges Damarques’ vast skills set, but believes he is the mentally stronger fighter. Damarques, meanwhile, seeks divine intervention, praying for guidance in his fight. Just in case God can’t hear him, Damarques is conveniently wearing a microphone. After hearing Damarques say the following – “I’m going in there with a smile on my face, getting punched in my face, smiling, punching him in his face, he probably won’t be smiling though” – I find myself tempted to pray that God turn his microphone off.

It’s time to fight, as a barely-.500 Damarques (13-6) will take on the undefeated yet inexperienced Nick (3-0).  Dana lets us know that, as a semifinal bout, this fight is set for three rounds. Given that this week’s episode is only about half over, I’m guessing we’re going the whole way. We get started, and the two exchange jabs for the first minute or so.  Both guys land some decent shots before clinching, which Damarques breaks by throwing Nick pretty much directly on his head. Within seconds, however, Nick is back on his feet, and aside from landing the occasional leg kick spends the next minute or so absorbing punches. Damarques takes him down again, but struggles to pass Nick’s guard. Finally Nick escapes, yielding to a great yet reckless slugfest that tests both guys’ chins. The round ends with punishment all around, and most likely a very happy Dana.

Round two starts with both guys exchanging punches, until Nick shoots for a single but ends up on his back. Damarques holds position but is unable to do much damage, let alone finish. With about a minute left, Damarques finally advances to mount, leading Nick to give up his back…and spend the next 60 seconds going fetal and eating some nasty shots. Referee Herb Dean, probably sensing the round coming to an end, allows the beating to continue until the horn sounds. As we celebrate Kimbo Slice coming to TUF, it’s only fitting to compare this extended beatdown to the one Slice endured during his EliteXC bout with James Thompson last year.

Ironically, Nick comes out for round 3 looking to be the fresher fighter, and snaps a few leg kicks at Damarques that go unchecked. A minute in, however, Nick looks both exhausted and disoriented, and before long Damarques looks equally gassed. A sloppy kick from Nick is met with a sloppy takedown from Damarques, which leads to some ground-and-pound. Finally, however, Nick uses the fence to reverse his position, but shows basically no sense of urgency working from the top during the final minute. The horn sounds, and Damarques wins the unanimous decision.

Afterward, Damarques lets us know that the fight cost him part of his tongue, even showing off a taste bud that has ended up on his fingertip. Yes, really. Nick, meanwhile, is disappointed about having suffered his first-ever defeat. As for me, I’m disappointed too - disappointed that, after watching it back three times, I still can’t understand what Nick said to close out the show.

Random thoughts:

When Henderson said at the start of the show that he would “beat Dana’s ass” if he didn’t get the fight selections he wanted, was anyone else hoping that things would go Bisping’s way?

When the first two Brits came out to meet with Dana and the coaches, were they doing the Vince McMahon stunt walk?

What’s with Dana’s obsession with rock ’n’ roll-related T-shirts?

When Bisping said his was the stronger team, did you see how they immediately cut to Henderson, in the hopes of getting a reaction out of him?

If Dana felt so strongly about keeping the finale Team U.S. vs. Team U.K., why did he even bother bringing up the teammate-against-teammate idea in the first place?

Why did the show’s producers make it look like Henderson was flipping off Dana during the semifinals announcement?

Did TUF have to pay royalties to Who Wants to be a Millionaire for ripping off its “suspense-building” music prior to the first fight announcement?

How messed up did Frank’s face look after having already fought three times this season?

Isn’t it wild to think that Frank is the only person in the show’s history to win a TUF fight after previously being eliminated?

Did Jason P. really use “eating” as an example of the Americans’ lack of unity?

Doesn’t “I’ll smash your eyeballs” sound like something Mike Tyson would have said at a press conference 10 years ago?

Who decided that the kitchen’s multi-color paint scheme was a good look?

Why did Damarques think that wanting to hurt Nick’s feelings made him a “sadist”?

When Nick suddenly went from standing still to shadowboxing outside the cage during the “Fight Day” segment, wasn’t it obvious that he was being instructed to do so by the producers?

When Nick promised to give “twice as much back” if Damarques knocked him out, didn’t he realize that that wouldn’t happen, considering he’d be knocked out?

Not that I’m complaining, but could the show be any more gratuitous with its close-ups of certain parts of ring girl Arianny’s anatomy?

Why did both coaches keep referring to Nick’s reach advantage during training, when the Tale of the Tape showed it to only be an inch?

In the opening moments of the fight, did you see Damarques connect on the same uppercut that Nick had previously been training for?

Did you see Cameron warming up outside the octagon during the bout, suggesting he’ll be the next to fight?

Wow, how awesome was the final minute of the first round?

After spending more than a year criticizing Kimbo Slice for being nothing more than a joke, did you notice during the “Inside the Octagon” segment that Dana now has no problem using him to hype next season’s show?

After hearing Bisping tell Nick to forget round 2, didn’t you have the feeling that, after all the shots to the head he took, Nick probably really did forget it?

Didn’t the American guys sound like tools, chanting “USA” between rounds?

Still, doesn’t that suggest that they have more team unity than Jason Pierce would have us believe?

I happen to agree with Dana that the end of round 1 was “what fighting is all about,” but is anyone else getting tired of constantly hearing Dana’s opinions on what makes a “real” fighter, especially when they’re coming from a guy with no MMA background?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.