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We start this evening with the sun rising over both the TUF house and Kimbo’s “perspectives†on life. The former streetfighter goes all Old Testament with roommate Abe “Abraham†Wagner, claiming to have found God during his time in the house, and professing that, like the Bible’s Samson, the essence of his very character lies in his formidable beard. Kimbo may think he’s being spiritual, but compared to previous wackjob tenants like Diego Sanchez and Luke Cummo, he’s actually coming across like a straight shooter. Kimbo then lets us know that his time in the house has allowed him to reflect on himself, and now realizes that the “enemy†he’s been fighting is really the “inner me.†Huh? On second thought, maybe Diego and Luke aren’t so crazy after all.
At the house, several of the fighters are sitting around the kitchen table, discussing how a Kimbo-Roy bout could main-event a “big card.†Darrill Schoonover believes that, in such a bout, Roy could earn “a couple-hundred thousand†dollars. Man, if that’s what Darrill thinks a mid-card heavyweight is going to make in the UFC, I’ve got a bridge to sell him for a couple-hundred thousand.
We head out to the streets of Las Vegas, where Kimbo is putting on a less-than-spectacular cardio display by jogging at a veeery slow pace, which eventually becomes too much for him to handle. As we watch him stop to catch his breath, he talks about being “the average guy,†and says he doesn’t understand why some of his housemates resent his presence on the show. Kimbo says that, while some of them have a chip on their shoulders, he is not among them. He then brushes off his own shoulders and says, “Ain’t nuttin’ there.†A little higher, Kimbo, and you’d be right.
At the UFC Training Center, Roy tells us that, like Kimbo, he is taking advantage of a golden opportunity to make a home for himself in the UFC, where he plans to stay for the next four or five years. Coach Rashad Evans points out that Roy has a deep-running independent streak that makes him difficult to train, but that he and his assistant coaches are trying to gain his trust. Rashad thinks that, because of Roy’s experience in the IFL, he’ll be able to handle taking on a big name like Kimbo without being intimidated.
As one former TUF heavyweight finishes speaking, another walks through the door – current UFC 205-pounder Keith Jardine. “The Dean of Mean†speaks to us over a graphic that identifies him as an assistant coach, so I guess he’ll be helping get Roy ready for this week’s fight. As he crosses paths with opposing coach Quinton “Rampage†Jackson, who defeated Keith last year, the two exchange handshakes and laughs. The mood changes quickly, however, when Rashad shows up and starts jawing with Rampage about, um, his jaw. Rashad claims Keith injured Rampage’s jaw during their fight, which led to Rampage backing out of a subsequent bout with Rashad. Rampage, meanwhile, accuses Rashad of ducking him, saying that the fight with Keith happened only because Rashad was afraid to fight Rampage. This looks confusing, I know, but compared to listening to the actual verbal exchange, the transcript is crystal clear.
The playful ribbing soon takes a more serious turn, however, as Team Rampage heavyweight James McSweeney takes his coach’s side. Rampage mocks his British accent, then calls the kettle black by saying that McSweeney’s dialect is unintelligible. As if his own gibberish isn’t embarrassing enough, Rampage then makes himself look even more ridiculous by telling James to “speak American.†Rashad intervenes and directs his fighter to another room, in the process saving James from losing more than just his shot at the contract.
After a commercial break, we join Team Rampage at the gym, where for some reason Kimbo is checking his weight. Getting close to 265, are we? Rampage says that the most shocking thing about this season has been Kimbo, then asks the fighter how long he’s been growing his beard. Kimbo says that he started before his 4-year-old son was born. Kimbo is raising a child? Looks like we’ve got a new most-shocking thing about this season. Rampage tells us that he likes Kimbo as a person, and believes that his humility will help him develop as a fighter.
As Kimbo trains, Rampage worries that he’ll be in trouble if he ends up on his back, since Roy and his “big belly†will make it hard for Kimbo to escape to his feet. Rampage then goes on for several minutes with the fat jokes, none of which are likely to help Kimbo win his fight this week. Rampage worries that Kimbo won’t be prepared to take on Roy, since no one on his team can simulate his “big belliness†during training. Regardless, Rampage and his assistant coaches work tirelessly with Kimbo on his ground game, then tell him to picture himself knocking Roy out. The lesson concludes with a choreographed handshake between Kimbo and assistant coach Tiki Ghosn. Well, at least he learned something today.
The next day, Team Rampage returns to the gym for some conditioning drills. In the middle of spin drills, Marcus Jones – last seen on the verge of crapping his heart out of his pants, according to Rampage – walks away, the victim of a knee injury. Moments later, however, he claims to want to be the next to fight. At least, that’s what I think he’s saying. The usual non-subtitled mumbling is complemented by the sounds of someone hitting a speed bag in the background, pretty much drowning out this entire conversation. Rampage is frustrated by the exchange, saying that if he had any hair, he would probably end up pulling it out.
We head back to the house, and if the carnival-style music is any indication, somebody will be goofing around. Sure enough, several of the guys start messing with Marcus for being overly sensitive. Marcus admits that he has a sensitive side, and lets us know that, despite his background in MMA and pro football, his other hobbies have included benign activities like Dungeons & Dragons, comic-book collecting and gardening.
Suddenly, the producers of the show seem to remember that there’s a fight tonight, and slyly segue back from Marcus to Kimbo by showing the two of them bonding in the house. Marcus is impressed with Kimbo’s mental strength and desire to learn, while Kimbo is impressed with Marcus’ size. Kimbo says that it looks like Marcus’ “big ass blew up, and I’m one of the pieces.†Man, did Kimbo even think about what that would sound like before he said it?
For the first time this season, we get a weigh-in, as Kimbo and Roy step on the scale. Dana tells us not to be fooled by Roy’s physique, saying that even though Roy looks like he is a frequent buffet customer at the Las Vegas casinos, he is very well-rounded. If Dana wants us to take both him and Roy seriously, maybe he shouldn’t use the term “round†in referring to someone who looks like he swallowed a basketball. Kimbo weighs in at a respectable 230 pounds, but will be giving up 34 pounds to Roy. Wow.
It’s back to the gym for more training, and Team Rampage is feeling confident. Several guys are excited about watching Kimbo compete, though interestingly, most talk about his potential to put up a good fight, rather than his likelihood of actually winning. Team Rashad, meanwhile, is equally excited about their representative, as Roy’s teammates and coaches expect him to dominate Kimbo in all aspects of the fight, in spite of what Matt Mitrione calls “his bad body.â€
It’s fight day, and in honor of his top pick, Rampage has fashioned his hair in a Kimbo male-pattern-baldness hairstyle. I hope this doesn’t mean Rashad is going to develop a gut in support of Roy. After warming up in the back, both guys make their way into the octagon, and we’re ready to go. Kimbo wraps up his pre-fight commentary by saying simply, “I’m done.†Didn’t those turn out to be Paul Heyman’s famous last words in ECW a couple of years ago?
Before the action begins, we get a quick mid-commercial-break Kimbo feature, where he tells us that a mixed martial artist, a fighter, and an ultimate fighter are three different things. According to Kimbo, a mixed martial artist “is a person who just performs wellâ€; a fighter “just fightsâ€; and an ultimate fighter “is all of the above.†Thanks, Kimbo – now my head hurts. Anyone else think his doo-rag might be on a little too tight?
We’re ready to fight, and we see that Rampage is now wearing said doo-rag. Dana gives the fighters their instructions, and referee Herb Dean gets us started. Both guys appear tentative, with Roy landing a single jab about 15 seconds in. This fight has now lasted longer than Kimbo’s previous outing. Nearly 2 minutes pass before Kimbo starts to unload on Roy, hitting him with some pretty decent shots. Roy ties Kimbo up, though, and after about a minute and a half of pressing him against the cage, finally manages to get Kimbo to the mat and immediately mounts him. Following a couple of decent attempts by Kimbo to reverse his position, Roy switches to side control and goes all Matt Hughes, trapping Kimbo in a crucifix position and landing exactly 44 unanswered left hands to Kimbo’s unprotected face during the round’s final half-minute. The horn sounds, and it looks like we’re going to round 2.
Kimbo starts the second round with a series of good shots, but allows Roy to tie him up when he misses with a big right hand. Kimbo attempts to land a knee from the clinch, which causes him to lose his balance and land on his back. Suddenly we’re right back where we were moments earlier, and again Roy lands a ton of unanswered punches from side control. This time, it’s easy to figure out how many times he hits Kimbo – everyone outside the cage counts along with the punches. Why do I feel like I’m watching a pro wrestling match? This time, there will be no get-out-of-jail-free card, as Herb Dean stops the fight. Team Rashad is 3-0, and Kimbo has dropped his second consecutive MMA bout. Or, should I say, his second consecutive ultimate fighting bout.
Afterward, Rampage says Kimbo was unable to get out from under Roy’s belly, likening it to “having the moon sitting on you.†Somehow, Rampage neglects to mention that Kimbo made pretty much no effort to scrambling out from the bottom. We go back to the octagon, where Roy annoys Dana by being arrogant and acting like he put on an impressive performance. Dana is actually more impressed with Kimbo, who he says could potentially fight again before the season is over. Only problem: his mystique is now gone. Forget shaving the beard, Kimbo – your character died when this show humanized you. Like Sabu cutting promos in the early days of WWECW, more people might like Kimbo as a result of this show, but I think it’s safe to say that less people now fear him.
Random thoughts:
When did they change the opening-credits sequence to read “2 heavyweights, 1
contract� Aren’t there always 16 guys competing for the prize?
Isn’t it funny to see Kimbo throwing an elbow at the camera to end the opening sequence, when he’s never shown that to be in his arsenal?
When Kimbo said that shaving his beard would mean the end of his alter ego, does that mean that Kevin Ferguson will still be walking around with a ridiculous patch of arrow-shaped chest hair?
How hard was Kimbo trying to make sure we got the “enemy/inner me†word play?
Why didn’t the cameraman who was filming Kimbo running let him know that his shoe was untied?
How ironic was it to see Kimbo, jogging at what looked like a 12-minute-mile pace, pass a dumpster with graffiti reading “slow children�
How bad is Kimbo’s cardio that he literally has to lean on a teammate while he’s running?
Why did Rashad joke about Rampage’s jaw hurting when Keith Jardine came in, when we all know how that fight ended?
Am I the only one who could have have benefitted from subtitles during the Rashad-Rampage argument?
Did Rampage not see irony in his claim that Rashad’s bad breath led to a knockout victory over Chuck Liddell, when Rampage also KOd Chuck?
And speaking of irony, what was with James saying he doesn’t engage in verbal sparring, even though the video clearly showed him arguing with Rampage?
And for even more irony, why would Rampage mock James’ British accent, when he himself trains at the Wolfslair in London?
First it was Eliot Marshall, then Damarques Johnson, now James McSweeney – what is it lately with TUF contestants getting mouthy with the show’s coaches?
Did you notice Kimbo grabbing onto his junk when he stepped off the scale wearing a towel?
And even if you did, would you admit it?
Is it just me, or was it kind of weird to see Kimbo conduct a whole conversation with Rampage wearing a wardrobe composed entirely of towels?
Why did Tiki spend so much time working on the ground with Kimbo, only to pretty much tell him afterward to disregard everything he’d just been taught and instead concentrate on trying to land a knockout punch?
If you were Kimbo, would you take any advice from Wes Shivers?
During the mid-commercial segment highlighting Marcus’ unlikely gardening skills, did anyone else think of ex-florist Hightower from the “Police Academy†movies?
When Marcus was standing on the front porch at the house, wasn’t it weird to see that the TUF house is actually located on a street with other regular homes?
After all of the Kimbo-based advertising for this week’s episode, wasn’t it kind of surprising to see so much attention given to Marcus?
What was Matt talking about when he said Roy was “kind of a secret, but a big name�
Even though Roy was shown coming out first, wasn’t it obvious that Kimbo was already in the octagon, considering Roy was shown offering to touch gloves with someone across the cage?
Boy, until you saw the commercial for “The Men Who Stare at Goats,†did you have any idea where Kevin Spacey’s career had disappeared to?
You knew Kimbo was going to be a little nervous about fighting in the octagon, but who expected him to be so tentative and cautious?
Where were Kimbo’s aggression and self-confidence?
When Heb Dean allowed Kimbo to survive the first round despite absorbing tons of damage, did anyone else think they were watching a replay of his CBS debut against James Thompson?
And wasn’t it funny later to hear Rashad reacting to the non-stoppage by saying, “That’s some bullsh*t right there�
Why is it that Rampage’s fighters always end up in the same bad spot several times during a fight?
How funny was it to hear the other fighters counting along with Roy’s punches?
Why was Dana practically yelling during his post-fight comments?
When Roy asked for a Double Whopper with Cheese afterward, was it just a coincidence that he did so while walking across a Burger King logo on the mat? Nice product placement….
Since Burger King didn’t pay him, maybe Roy should have pulled a post-UFC 100 Brock Lesnar and requested a Big Mac instead.
What was with all the noise during Kimbo’s post-fight interview? Were they building a house in the background or something?
OK, so Roy-Kimbo wasn’t the most technical fight ever, but wasn’t it at least nice to finally see a couple of guys with decent cardio?
Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.
