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We start tonight’s episode at the TUF house, where Darrill Schoonover is having the breakfast of champions…if champions drink shots for breakfast. Man, that’s some last name – there haven’t been that many o’s in the house since Zak Jensen’s last shower. Some of Darrill’s teammates, including James McSweeney, say he’s a drunk and is always hitting the bottle. Hey, you know what this show needs? An out-of-control drinker. Wouldn’t that be funny? It’s not like we’ve seen that before.

 

Coach Rashad Evans has assembled his team at the UFC Training Center, where he introduces this week’s guest coach, on loan from Greg Jackson’s camp in Albuquerque. Phil Nurse is a striking coach, and spends some time working with Team Rashad. During training, Rashad notices that Darrill’s cardio isn’t where it should be. James tells Rashad about Darrill’s affinity for the booze, prompting Rashad and his assistants to stage a mini-intervention. Darrill acknowledges he is drinking too much and needs to cut back. Darrill really needed someone to tell him that? Has he not seen this show before?

 

It’s time for Team Rampage to train; as its members prepare to start practice, Rampage sees that Darrill is slow in clearing the room, and starts harassing him by calling him by his nickname. If you didn’t know that Rampage likes to call Darrill “Titties,” you will definitely know by the time this hour is up. As Darrill collects his things and prepares to leave, Rampage tells him to “get on the hell up out of here.” Leave it to a master of the English language to use four prepositions in one sentence. Darrill tells Rampage that he will win the whole show, then says he’ll cut to 205 and beat Rampage too. Well, he actually probably could probably beat him in a coaching competition. The two start jawing, and Darrill warns us that if the tension “escalades,” he might not be able to restrain himself. He confesses that, during the argument, he was on the verge of head-butting Rampage, saying that a street fight is a lot different than a cage fight. Yeah, because that’s the way Kimbo does it.

 

Despite the fact that we’re only 10 minutes into this week’s episode, it’s Fight Announcement time. Rashad announces that Darrill will take on Team Rampage whipping boy Zak Jensen. As Darrill walks out for the traditional faceoff, Rampage calls him “Titties,” prompting Darrill to call him a bitch. After the faceoff, Rampage takes the spotlight for himself, continuing with the taunts. Darrill walks toward Rampage, but is restrained by his teammates. Rampage says he’s only joking around and isn’t trying to intimidate anyone, but warns that Darrill will be in trouble if he chooses to “walk up on me again.” What, only two prepositions in the same sentence?

 

Before things can “escalade” too far, Rashad goes to bat for Darrill and starts arguing with Rampage in front of everyone. Rashad says that the name-calling is unnecessary, and that Rampage is going too far with what he considers to be funny. Rampage, meanwhile, goes all Beavis & Butt-head, and retorts that Rashad is just jealous because he wishes he had titties, especially since he likes playing with his nipples so much. Funny, I thought Greg Jackson’s guys stopped doing the nipple-twist like a year ago. Anyway, the coaches continue arguing until James and the rest of the guys pull Rashad away by saying, “Let’s get a drink.”

 

Team Rampage gets into the van to head back to the house, with Kimbo Slice telling Zak that his new name is Linderman. Why? Because, according to Scott, “that’s just your name.” In an effort to clear up what has quickly become confusion, Kimbo lets us know that if Shrek had a little brother, it would be Zak, and his name would be Linderman. Um, how many unanswered blows to the head did Kimbo absorb against Roy Nelson? Zak’s teammates fully expect that the gentle giant is going to go postal in the house before the season is over. In fact, Wes Sims has started a pool for guys to guess which day it will happen. Matt Mitrione says that Zak might “just go completely Ralphie” and start fighting anyone at any time. I guess that means that, instead of the Scott Farkas affair, we could soon witness the Scott Junk affair. As guys continue talking trash, Zak just lies silently in bed.

 

At breakfast, Darrill shows off his tattoos, which include what appears to be a clown who has cut off a woman’s head. And people are worried about Zak going postal? Someone asks Darrill, “Did you cut her eyes out?” I’m guessing that, after having to watch some of this season’s underwhelming episodes, she did it herself. Rashad says that Darrill is quiet and weird, then qualifies his statement by referring to him as “serial-killer weird.” Rashad later turns this into a compliment at the gym, as he says that Darrill looks like he’s ready to take somebody apart. Rashad says the game plan will be for Darrill to keep the fight standing, since he’s got powerful hands. We then see Rashad working with Darrill against the fence. Later, they both predict that Zak will mentally break from being pressured.

 

Team Rampage takes over the gym, and its coaches unveil their strategy for getting their first victory. No, wait, they’re actually unveiling a jumbo-sized cartoon drawing of Team Rashad, which has apparently been rechristened “Team Cocky.” Yeah, that’s a good way to win fights. Maybe this is what the coaches were working on when they bailed on Demico Rogers’ pre-fight preparations a couple of weeks ago. As the coaches make fun of the caricature of Darrill, Marcus Jones warns them he might snap and go crazy on someone. Oh, the irony.

 

It’s time to work, and Rampage is worried about Zak’s fragile mental state, telling sparring partner Wes Shivers to go easy on him. You mean, like he did in his fight against James? Rampage says he’s focused on keeping Zak mentally strong. This coming from a guy who lost his marbles on an L.A. freeway, then ended up leaving the UFC just as this season on TUF began to air. Kimbo says that Zak is a talented fighter, but just lacks confidence. Later, as Zak trains, he bumps his head on someone’s knee, sustaining a cut on his right eyebrow. Zak walks it off, but as he passes by Kimbo, we see the already-eliminated heavyweight starting to celebrate Zak’s injury. So that’s what a victorious Kimbo looks like. Kimbo is excited because, if Zak can’t fight, he will “get to bang again.” If by “bang” you mean “lose,” then yes, you will.

 

Despite saying that God answered his prayers by having Zak get hurt in practice – way to be a team player, Kimbo – it looks like the cut will not keep Zak out of action. Though his coaches are worried he will panic if the cut opens during the fight, Zak assures them that he won’t, saying that if it does, “it’s just blood.” Rampage is proud of Zak’s newly discovered mental toughness, comparing the feeling to when a father watches his son ride a bike for the first time. Rampage is quick to add that he doesn’t want any more kids, though. Kind of ironic that he sees Zak as his child, since in the shower, Zak is apparently usually the one making the kids.

 

Zak continues to train for his fight, and gets his coaches excited as they watch practice. Of course, you can tell this is practice, and not an actual fight, since Rampage is still cage-side and hasn’t bailed out. After practice, Team Rampage’s coaches actually think Zak will win, and for what seems like the hundredth time tonight, we see assistant coach Tiki Ghosn give someone his patented “explosion” handshake. I don’t want to pull a Kimbo and wish injury on someone, but if it meant not having to see this ridiculous gesture anymore, I wouldn’t mind if Tiki’s hand actually blew up one of these times.

 

Early one day, Rashad is sparring with Phil Nurse before the rest of the team arrives, when Phil suddenly points out the drawing that Team Rampage commissioned. Someone has placed it on the wall, covering a huge picture of Royce Gracie. The symbolism of a ridiculous cartoon covering the original face of the UFC is poignant. Rashad at first thinks the drawing is funny, but then starts to worry that it might distract Darrill (and get him angry with Rampage, rather than focusing on Zak), so he decides to hide it. Then, in a self-defeating move, Rashad tells his guys about it, imploring them to stay focused on their fights rather than a drawing on the wall. He tells his team that he “was on this show, and now I’m on the wall,” pointing to a huge photo of himself. Apparently Rashad doesn’t realize that, had he left the “Team Cocky” drawing where it was, all of his guys would have been on the wall, too.

 

Following a commercial break featuring – surprise, surprise – a featurette starring Wes Sims, it’s time to weight in. Dana says Rampage wants for Zak to win “because of the bad blood between him and Darrill.” Thanks for the clarification, Dana – otherwise, I might have thought Rampage wanted Zak to win because he’s Zak’s coach. Both guys are on weight, and our sixth fight of the season is official.

 

It’s Fight Day, which also happens to be Darrill’s birthday. As he prepares to give himself his best birthday gift ever, Rampage and Tiki are already at the gym getting their fighter ready to compete…sorry, I meant ready to deface a sign with a Sharpie. The coaches literally run up to the sign on his locker-room door, turning two of the o’s in his last name into what I guess are supposed to be breasts. As they admire their art skills, Rampage says their joke is perfect, because he’s got two o’s in his name. Apparently Tiki is content to let Rampage enjoy the moment, rather than pointing out that Scoonover actually has three o’s. Upon arriving at the gym, Darrill is annoyed with the sign, saying that maybe if he wins, Rampage will stop talking.

 

Over in the Team Rampage locker room, Rampage tells Zak that he should see today as his wedding day, except he won’t get any sex afterward. What, he’s not going to take a shower after the fight? Zak says that people think that, because he was picked last he must suck, “but I don’t.” OK, I’m convinced. Rampage tries to motivate Zak, but the best he can come up with is, “The guy has titties – that sums it up.” No, the only thing that sums up is how bad Rampage’s pre-fight preparations are. As Rashad tells Darrill in his team’s locker room that his birthday is symbolic, since today he is being born as a UFC fighter, Rampage continues to amuse himself with the “titties” jokes.

 

After both fighters enter the cage, we’re ready to start. The fight begins with both guys coming out swinging. Darrill gets a hold of Zak and pushes him into cage, just like we saw him practice doing with Rashad. He can’t hold Zak there, however, and they come off the cage. Darrill lands several knees from the clinch, then starts lighting him up with hard punches that connect cleanly. Zak might not have a lot of heart, but man, he has one hell of a chin. Zak eats several big shots, but manages to grab a single-leg and score a takedown. Zak lands in Darrill’s full guard, and as he positions himself, Darrill immediately swings his legs up for a triangle. Zak lands a bunch of hammerfists as Darrill continues to slowly cinch in the triangle. With Zak’s head trapped between his legs, Darrill starts aiming punches at the cut on his eyebrow, and sure enough, it opens. Seconds later, as Darrill puts the squeeze on, Zak literally goes down swinging, and for the second week in a row, a team rampage fighter is choked unconscious. Despite the end coming via referee stoppage, Steve Mazzagatti declares Darrill the winner by “submission victory.”

 

Afterward, Zak says he got too comfortable, and didn’t follow the game plan. As their fighter attempts to come to grips with his loss, Rampage and Tiki stay by his side and offer some encouraging words. Yeah, right – actually, they instead choose to take the opportunity to invade the Team Rashad locker room, presenting them with the “Team Cocky” poster. Team Rashad is amused with the picture, which actually leaves Rampage disappointed. Maybe if he acted disappointed that his fighters keep getting choked and knocked out, his team could actually win a fight.

 

Random thoughts:

 

When you first saw that Darrill might have a drinking problem – and come on, doing shots at 8 a.m. is not healthy partying – did you think we were going down the Junie Browning expressway again?

 

And given the alcohol consumption we’ve seen from some of this show’s British contestants, what does it say when someone like James says you might have a drinking problem?

 

When Rashad first introduced Phil Nurse by talking about his work with Georges St-Pierre, did anyone else expect GSP himself to walk through the door?

 

When Rashad said that Darrill’s cardio didn’t look good, was I the only one who thought, “Great, he’ll fight right in this season”?

 

As lame as the “Titties” jokes started, wasn’t it kind of funny when Rampage said the only thing Darrill might win is a wet T-shirt contest?

 

When Darrill threatened to head-butt Rampage because the rules of street fighting are different than the cage, why didn’t he just say he was going to kick Rampage in the crotch?

 

And, why would a 250-pound professional fighter need to head-butt someone in a street fight?

 

Did Darrill get excited when Team Rashad left the fight announcement with plans to “get a drink”?

 

Who’s scarier: the guy who challenges the opposite team’s coach, or the one everyone is betting will soon start slashing guys in their sleep?

 

Isn’t Wes Sims calling someone crazy pretty much the equivalent of James calling someone a drunk?

 

Seriously, what was Darrill thinking when he got his tattoos?

 

Couldn’t Rashad have taken off his hat while he trained with Darrill in the cage?

 

If that was Rampage’s best Mr. T impression, does anyone else think we all would have been better off had he skipped the “A-Team” movie and stuck with his MMA career instead?

 

Didn’t the “Team Cocky” drawing encapsulate everything that Team Rampage’s coaches have done wrong this season?

 

Still, even though it was a waste of time, wasn’t the drawing pretty funny?

 

Didn’t the shot that opened Zak’s eyebrow in practice look like it was nothing?

 

Then again, isn’t that how MMA cuts usually happen?

 

Why would Kimbo say that Zak lacks confidence, then show a complete lack of support for him by celebrating his injury right in front of him?

 

Doesn’t Kimbo realize he looks pathetic when the only way he can hold up his arms in victory is when someone gets cut in training?

 

And doesn’t he remember that the last time something like this happened when he was in the building, it meant Ken Shamrock was out and Seth Petruzelli was in?

 

Did you notice that, during the scene of Tiki choosing the caricature artist, the show’s producers didn’t bother making sure the on-screen graphic spelled his last name right?

 

Would you have hired that guy, based on his not-even-close drawing of Rampage?

 

And wasn’t it appropriate that, when Tiki saw it, the first thing he said was “no way”?

 

Did Rampage seriously think that, after just a few weeks of coaching, he could take credit for Zak’s sudden discovery of mental toughness?

 

Why did Team Rampage hang their “Team Cocky” drawing so high up on the wall, making it hard to see?

 

If Rashad didn’t want his team to be distracted by the drawing, why did he bother mentioning it to them?

 

When Team Rashad broke its huddle following the pep talk, did you notice Keith Jardine was there?

 

On Fight Day, why were Rampage and Tiki running to the Team Rashad locker-room door, when no one from that team had even arrived yet?

 

Wasn’t it funny to hear Zak tell the cameras that he doesn’t suck, even though when he was struggling during drills last week, he specifically said, “I f*cking suck”?

 

After hearing Rampage’s endless “titties” jokes at the expense of legit pre-fight encouragement, was Demico actually thankful that his coaches no-showed his preparations?

 

Did Darrill’s hair and face remind anyone else of Patrick Cote?

 

As the fighters headed to the cage, why was Team Rashad laughing at Zak?

 

Did the show’s producers really think it was a good idea to dub Rampage saying “titties” over a closeup shot of ring girl Arianny’s chest as she walked around the cage?

 

If Zak’s pro record coming into the fight was an impressive 7-2, why did his coaches and teammates act like he had never fought before?

 

When Rampage called for Zak to trip Darrill for the takedown, was it the first time this season he has offered specific advice to one of his fighters?

 

Why didn’t Zak simply try to peel Darrill’s feet apart when the triangle choke was still loose?

 

Why was Rampage telling Zak to pass Darrill’s guard, when just a couple of weeks ago, he scolded Demico for doing the same thing?

 

After the fight, did you notice Zak blowing right by his teammates as they tried to console him?

 

And after the way they’d treated him in the house, can you blame him?

 

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.