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THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER TV REPORT

If you’re a fan of The Ultimate Fighter, chances are you missed the Wednesday night debut of Conspiracy Theory, the new TruTV series hosted by WWE Hall of Famer Jesse Ventura that aired at the same time. Luckily, for those who had to miss Ventura’s new show, this season of TUF introduced a conspiracy theory of its own – the idea that episodes of this show were re-edited after coach Quinton “Rampage” Jackson announced his departure from the UFC, in order to bury him. Either that, or the former light-heavyweight champion truly is the most ineffectual coach in this series’ history. Tonight, as his nightmare of a season ends, Rampage has one more chance to save face if Marcus Jones can win two fights and advance to the finals.

As the show’s producers have been teasing ever since he lost way back in episode 3, Team Rampage may actually end up with two contenders in the quarterfinals – Kimbo Slice may finally get the opportunity to fight again, as he has claimed to have wanted ever since losing to Roy Nelson in the preliminary round. For weeks, we have been led to believe that Matt Mitrione suffered a concussion in his victory over Scott Junk, the effects of which may prevent him from competing again this season. Despite there being eight preliminary-round losers in the house, Kimbo is apparently the only one who has expressed a desire to fight again…or so we’ve been told.

Following the sequel to his famous “do you want to be a f*in’ fighter” speech a couple of weeks ago, UFC president Dana White can’t believe that no one approached him about wanting to replace Scott. Well, who can blame them – hasn’t it been obvious from the start that Kimbo would be given the shot if he wanted it? Apparently dissatisfied with the guys’ lack of heart, Dana calls Kimbo into a private meeting to offer him the chance to replace Matt. Not since Season 3, when guys like Kristian Roethermel and Tait Fletcher refused to step in for an injured Matt Hamill, has someone balked at the chance to compete. But all of that is about to change.

Kimbo, who has been nursing a sore knee, tells Dana that he doesn’t want to fight on TV at anything less than 100 percent, so he will decline the fight. Dana, who doesn’t look to have competed lately in anything other than speed-eating contests, criticizes Kimbo’s lack of heart, saying that the streetfighter’s fear of needles is preventing him from receiving a cortisone shot and getting back into the cage. Kimbo, for his part, tells us that trying to fight at a mere 40 percent “wouldn’t be fair to my peoples,” and that “it would demise me.” Don’t worry, Kimbo – if anything is going to meet its demise in your presence, it’s the English language.

Since Kimbo has refused to fight, Dana then calls in other, lesser-known cast members to give them the same opportunity. Yeah, right. Seriously, realizing that someone like Abe Wagner isn’t going to draw Kimbo-type ratings, Dana decides to scrap the whole thing and just have Matt fight after all. We hear Matt on the phone with his doctor, who has cleared him to fight. Matt lets us know that he suddenly realized he was ready to fight after having “a really good sleep.” Quick, someone call Christopher Nowinski and let him know that, apparently, some quality shut-eye is a surefire remedy for a concussion. Actually, Matt admits that he has been playing possum with regard to his injury, in order to prevent tonight’s opponent, James McSweeney, from properly preparing for their fight. Apparently, he has played such games “to keep myself entertained.” I don’t know – given the lackluster nature of this season, can you blame him for trying something, anything, to keep this show interesting?

Back at the house, Scott comes through the front door, and apparently has forgotten to remove his glasses after seeing a 3-D movie. Actually, he lets us know that he is just back from a visit with an eye doctor, where he underwent laser surgery to repair two tears in his cornea sustained during his fight with Matt. Scott says the operation did not go well, and as he heads to his room to lie down, he tells us that his doctor believes his fighting career is over.

As his teammates assemble in the van to ride to the gym, Zak Jensen tells everyone that Scott has had surgery, which within a matter of seconds turns into a claim that Scott is in danger not only of never fighting again, but also losing his eye altogether. Of course, even a one-eyed person could see that this claim is entirely unfounded and overblown, but it has struck a chord with Marcus, who sympathizes with his recuperating friend. Growing increasingly angry through the course of the van ride, Marcus is ready to explode by the time he gets to the gym, and upon arriving immediately finds Matt and gets in his face, threatening to kill him. Yes, seriously. As fighters on both teams pull Marcus away, Matt tries to figure out what all the hostility is about. As Rampage tries to talk Marcus down, he elicits a confession from Marcus that avenging his friend’s injury is more important than winning the UFC contract. Sounds like Matt isn’t the only one dealing with a scrambled brain.

As if Marcus doesn’t look foolish enough by totally overreacting to a legitimate and fair injury, his bravado is exposed as vacant when Scott shows up at the gym later on to let everyone know that a subsequent doctor’s visit revealed that he will in fact be fighting again one day, and can start training again in just a couple of months. Based on his last performance, I hope he won’t wait that long to get in some cardio work.

It’s time to weigh in for our first quarterfinal match of the evening, with Dana predicting that Matt will “easily” defeat James. I don’t believe that any of Dana’s weigh-in predictions have been accurate this season, so I’m going to have to go with James. After both guys step onto the scale, they do the usual faceoff, which concludes with a Diego Sanchez-Josh Koscheck re-creation, with James shoving Matt for no reason.

It’s time to fight, and there will be no touching of gloves to signify the start of what has inexplicably become a grudge match. Not surprisingly, both guys appear to want to keep the fight standing, with James looking sharp and finding a home for leg and body kicks that Matt is just too slow to check. Though he absorbs several crisp shots, Matt dishes out some power punches, which sends James into retreat mode. Obviously wanting no part of Matt’s hands, James takes the fight to the mat, stepping out of a heelhook attempt and spinning into side control. Matt manages to buck out, but in going for a single-leg reversal leaves his neck out for James to choke. Almost immediately, Matt taps out, and James moves on to the semifinals.

Moving right along, TUF producers reintroduce us to Marcus, who tries to get us to believe that he is just “a regular guy” getting into the sport. Yeah, because he looks so ordinary. Marcus says he is not looking past his opponent tonight, Darrill Schoonover, who himself gets to say about three words before it’s time to head to the cage.

As the action gets under way, Marcus takes him down right away and moves into side control. The former NFL draft pick is overwhelming from the top, dropping big hands and also looking for submissions. Darrill briefly scoots free, but Marcus gets back on him and drops a series of huge punches that puts Darrill to sleep. In a display described by opposing coach Rashad Evans as “awesome force of gorilla-manness,” Marcus emerges unscathed to advance to the next round.

Now that the quarterfinals are done, it’s time for Dana to announce the semifinal matchups. We learn that Roy Nelson will take on James, a bout that Dana predicts will go to James. Our other fight will feature Marcus and fellow NFL veteran Brendan Schaub, which Dana thinks will end with Marcus winning by either submission or knockout. Sorry, James and Marcus, but Dana “Kiss of Death” White has condemned you to a losing fate by predicting you will win. As the teams disperse following the weigh-ins, Rashad and Rampage get into yet another squabble that is all but meaningless now that their planned fight appears to be off.

As the second half of tonight’s two-hour finale gets started, storm clouds roll in over Las Vegas. Rampage says that his lone representative, Marcus, can invalidate all of the trash-talking Rashad has done this season by winning his fight. Yeah, right. Look, just because Ed Herman advanced to the finals in Season 3 doesn’t mean Ken Shamrock was a winning coach. Anyway, Marcus tries to convince Rampage that he is more mobile than he appears, and brags that, during his NFL days, he made an open-field tackle on Barry Sanders. Still, Marcus knows he has a lot to learn, and spends some time working with his coach…that is, until Rampage gets a better offer.

When assistant coach Tiki Ghosn arrives at the gym, Rampage leaves Marcus to spar as he heads outside to help put together yet another unfunny prank for Rashad. This time, it looks like Team Rashad’s locker room will be decorated with all things pink. Tiki says the prank is sure to anger Team Rashad; if it doesn’t, Rampage infers, Rashad and his assistants must be gay. I don’t know why this show is on so late, considering the only people who would find this funny went to bed hours ago. Rampage gets his team to help prepare the room by handing them paintbrushes and having them turn the walls pink. Either he’s on to some sort of Mr. Miyagi-inspired workout regimen, or he is ruining their futures as professional fighters.

Later, at the house, several bored fighters have decided to pick on Zak yet again, this time drawing on his head with a permanent marker. Though promising to write “Linderman” on his head as a tribute to Kimbo’s nickname for him, James instead writes “Linda” on his head, then later adds “gay” as a suffix. Zak is unamused, and while he says that he’s hoping to stay in touch with several of his roommates once the show ends, he will not miss James.

The next day, Rashad shows up at the gym and opens the door to his now-pink room. As he stares befuddled into the room, Rampage tells us they decorated it pink so that it would look like Rashad’s room at home. So, Rampage was actually trying to do Rashad a favor by helping cure his homesickness? He adds that the room is perfect for someone whose nickname is “Sugar.” Though initially confused, Rashad later refers to the room and its furnishings as “really nice,” once again ruining a Team Rampage prank that had very little to stand on to begin with. Rashad is more concerned with the upcoming fights, anyway, and contradicts himself by saying that he is “pretty sure, 100 percent” that the season will end with an all- Team Rashad final.

Later, back at the house, several fighters are sitting around, bored. Maybe it’s because personality-deprived Demico Rogers is in the room. Either way, we learn that Zak is in the bathroom, “minding my own business.” Of course, the last time Zak was left alone in a bathroom on this show, the story had an unhappy ending for everyone but him. Here, in an effort to fight the boredom, James decides to barricade Zak inside the bathroom. Zak informs us, however, that he is claustrophobic, and freaks out before finally getting out. He immediately goes after James, throwing some weak punches and kicks in what is the worst house fight since the Season 6 upper-decker incident. James subdues Zak in a guillotine, and holds him there until he calms down. At least, that’s what I think happened – during the fracas, the cameraman thinks it would be more interesting to focus in on witnesses Wes Sims and Demico Rogers instead of the fight itself.

As Zak is left alone to lick his wounds, Rashad and his assistants show up at the house to “do some visualization” with his fighters to help them prepare for the semifinals. Rashad advises James to treat his next bout like it will be his last-ever fight, then advises Roy to…well, he doesn’t advise him at all. Despite Rashad having coached both guys all season, Roy is now having to train on his own, with assistant coach Trevor Wittman adding insult to injury in the pre-fight locker room by using poetic verse to motivate Roy. I’m not an expert in literature, but I think that even I could do better than writing a line like “Stay focused/this ain’t hocus pocus.” As Roy gets a literature lesson, James does a final bit of warming up in the octagon, including standing in the center of the cage and pretending to have his hand raised in victory.

It’s time for our first semifinal bout, as James gives us the now-outdated pre-fight nipple twist made famous by his teammates in Albuquerque. As the fight begins, both guys circle cautiously, with Roy appearing to be a little more aggressive than he’s been in his previous bouts. A sharp contrast to how he looked last hour against Matt, James is now much less crisp, throwing lots of sloppy-looking loopy punches that are catching nothing but air. Roy finally tries to take the fight to the ground, but tries to do so using a laughably bad shot. Roy gives up his neck in the process, and James guillotines him like his name was Zak. Roy gets out, but James now looks more confident, and stings Roy with a couple of nice jabs. Growing increasingly cocky, James invites Roy to take a shot at his chin, which of course he does. A big shot sends James reeling, and in a matter of moments James is on his back, with Roy resurrecting the Kimbo crucifix and pounding him out for the win.

It’s time to move on to the final fight of the evening, where Brendan is promising to let his hands go and look for a knockout victory against Marcus. As we watch him train for the fight, Brendan follows in James’ footsteps and practices having his hand raised. Yeah, because that worked so well for James.

It has been at least 30 minutes since we saw Rashad and Rampage bicker with each other, so thankfully the TUF producers are ready to give us our fix. As the coaches pass each other in a hallway at the gym, Rashad refers to Tiki as “Rampage’s man-slave,” then calls them both bitches as he starts to leave. When Rampage and Tiki laugh at Rashad for insulting them as he walked away, Rashad suddenly comes back and gets in Rampage’s face, calling him “bitch” at close range. What follows is a pointless, endless exchange that revolves around Rampage repeating the phrase “treat me like a bitch” no less than 5,000 times. Rashad tells Rampage that “I’ve got your whole game figured out,” which as we now know won’t really do him any good now.

Rampage is of course pulling for Marcus to advance to the finals, since he’s Rampage’s last chance to “wipe the smirk off Rashad’s face.” Actually, going into the cage and doing it himself would have been Rampage’s last chance to wipe the smirk off Rashad’s face. Rampage says that “whenever Marcus wins, I win.” Marcus isn’t feeling quite as communal, however, and says he wants to win so he can prove to the world that he’s a good fighter. Brendan stands in his way, however, and is predicting a quick victory for himself. Brendan says he has been battle-tested this season, while Marcus had the easy road to the semis.

It’s time to head to the octagon, and right away Brendan is trying to put away his larger opponent. Marcus isn’t taking any chances, though, and takes him down immediately. Marcus quickly gets side control, then steps over to a full mount, but does very little damage from these dominant positions. Brendan is able to get free, and tags Marcus with some big shots when they return to their feet, but Marcus answers with a huge knee. Brendan manages to shake it off, however, and seconds later drops Marcus with a big right hand. Brendan pounces and lands a few more shots before the referee steps in to stop the bout. Brendan is on his way to the finals, and as predicted, the season will end with an all-Team Rashad contest.

Afterward, Marcus says he is done fighting, citing his family as his reason for walking away. Rampage is taking the loss almost as hard as Marcus, but says that because the show is televised, he is trying to hold it in. Um, after spending 11 weeks looking like an indifferent, unmotivated and uncaring “coach,” it’s a little late to worry about how fans perceive you. Sorry, Rampage, but until you decide to swallow your pride and come back to the UFC, you have been served with the most humiliating televised exit since Eric Bischoff was being thrown into a garbage truck.

Random thoughts:

Why did Dana complain no one stepped up to replace Matt, when he didn’t specifically say that Matt wouldn’t be able to compete?

Besides, didn’t Scott specifically say to Dana a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to fight if the opportunity became available?

Knowing that the UFC would be foolish to never let him fight again, what did Kimbo have to gain by competing again on this show, especially if he was injured?

I mean, even Matt Arroyo was allowed to continue to fight in the UFC after dropping out of Season 6 due to a phantom injury, right?

When Scott returned home from having surgery and wanted to lie down in peace, how come Wes Sims didn’t burst in with a can of silly string and disturb him, the way he did when Matt was dealing with a scrambled brain?

Seriously, why in the world would Marcus have gotten so crazy over Scott’s injury?

And why did he think it was so sad that Scott might lose his livelihood, yet thought it was OK to make Matt pay the same price?

What does it tell you about Marcus’ state of mind when Rampage had to be his voice of reason?

Why didn’t we get to find out what motivated James to shove Matt at the weigh-ins?

How spacy did Matt look during the opening minute or two of his fight with James?

Have you ever seen anyone try less hard to defend a choke than Matt?

Why did Marcus think a screaming crowd would roar its approval for his name being announced as the winner of his fight, when the small group assembled to watch TUF fights is hardly a “crowd”?

Can you believe we went an entire two hours without hearing Rampage call Darrill by his unofficial nickname?

How come James didn’t shove Roy when they faced off after the semifinal announcement was made?

What is it with Dana being inaccurate in his predictions 100 percent of the time?

Did Rampage really think that Marcus advancing to the finals would validate him as a coach?

I know Rampage has tried to claim that creative editing has made him look bad, but how do you creatively edit him leaving a workout in order to carry stuffed animals into the gym?

Why did Rashad act shocked when he opened the door to the pink room, when it was dark and he was wearing sunglasses?

I mean, could he even see what he was looking at?

Who on the production staff thought it would look cool to have Roy shadow-box directly into the camera?

Why didn’t James get into trouble for fighting in the house, when previous seasons have seen guys ejected from the house for less?

Why didn’t Wes Sims or Demico try to break it up, since they were right there?

Can you believe no footage from this fracas made its way into the season preview that aired during the first week?

Why didn’t the producers tease the house fight in last week’s preview, using it as a possible reason why James wouldn’t be able to compete on the show anymore?

Didn’t Trevor Wittman’s lame poetry make guys like Lanny Poffo and Mark Henry sound downright Shakespearean?

Then again, maybe it wasn’t such a bad way to motivate a fighter – after all, if a coach was subjecting you to garbage like that, wouldn’t you feel like going out and punching someone in the face?

Did you notice how much sooner the referee stopped the Roy-James fight than Roy-Kimbo, even though both ended pretty much the exact same way?

Will Rampage and Rashad appear in the Guinness Book of World Records for most frequent use of the word “bitch” in a 2-minute period?

Why did Brendan say he planned to go back to Colorado with his undefeated record still intact, when TUF bouts don’t count against a professional record anyway?

Was I the only one who thought the referee was late in stopping the Marcus-Brendan fight?

How badly is Dana hoping Roy wins, so he can avoid the conundrum of having to promote pay-per-view fights featuring an incredibly uncharismatic Brendan?

When Dana said Season 10 had moments that he didn’t expect, were you tempted to say back, “Yeah, like professional fighters who gas after 1 minute and coaches who would rather decorate a room with a disco ball than coach fighters”?

Why did they bother ending the final episode with Marcus saying he was retiring, when they knew they would be announcing his next fight in a matter of minutes?

Can you think of a better way to build Kimbo as a commodity than to have him face a light-heavyweight journeyman as his opponent in a nationally televised fight?

As nice as it is to see some legitimate heavyweights added to the roster, do you seriously see more than three or four guys from this season still competing in the UFC a year from now?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.