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Our premiere episode kicks off with an introduction of our coaches, both of whom have been through this drill already: Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz. Interestingly, each coach has seen his teams go 2-0 in TUF finales (Forrest Griffin and Diego Sanchez for Chuck in season 1, Michael Bisping and Kendall Grove for Tito in season 3). Not surprisingly, Dana makes the first comment of the season, talking about how he has buried the hatchet with Tito. Yeah, Dana, because it’s all about you. Also not surprising: Dana’s subsequent claim that the coaches have a personal beef. Good, because that concept has never been done on this show. Tito proclaims himself to be the better coach; Chuck, on the other hand, dismisses him as “a complete doorknob.†Given the typical treatment of doors on this show, that doesn’t bode well for Tito.
All 28 of this season’s contestants walk into the UFC Training Center at the same time, and thankfully there is a camera already inside to capture the moment. Joe Henle, who bears more than a passing resemblance to Jesus, says he got goosebumps walking into the “totally revamped†room. Woody Weatherby describes it as a “dope facility.†Well, based on his dopey name, it sounds like he’s in the right place. Kris McCray says he’s ready to go, then asks us to “put me in a cannon and shoot me.†Oh, how I’d like to.
Dana, Chuck and Tito then enter the room, prompting a round of applause from the fighters. Dana then explains that this season will feature “something new.†As ominous music plays in the background, Dana lets us all know that this season’s big surprise is that, after winning their initial fights, 14 guys will move into the house and compete for a UFC contract. After the preliminary-round bouts have been completed, two fighters who lost in their bids to move into the house will be invited back as wildcards. Dana then encourages everyone to finish their fights, in the process dropping like two-dozen f-bombs. Let’s see – monopolizing screen time, dropping unnecessary f-bombs, trying to make something ordinary sound huge? Yep – Dana White, present and accounted for.
Without further adieu, it’s time to fight. Our first bout features Jamie Yager, whose modest 2-1 record stands in sharp contrast to his enormously immodest hairdo. As Jamie walks into the cage, Dana calls him cocky, prompting Tito to say that “a little cockiness is always good.†I’m going to resist the urge to make a Jenna Jameson joke here, and instead move on to Jamie’s opponent, Ben “The Hebrew Hammer†Stark, a former Orthodox Jew. Given that it’s Easter week, maybe a better matchup would have been Ben and Joe.
Hey look, Dana is on camera again! After explaining the rules, he joins Tito and Chuck cageside, where they witness an embarrassingly one-sided bout that ends with Jamie landing a head kick on a hopelessly outclassed Ben. The TUF house has its first occupant.
We’re ready to start our second fight, and apparently Justin Bieber is trying out for the show this year. No, wait, that’s Jordan Smith, a middle-school teacher with an unfortunate ’tween haircut. Jordan tries to convince us that being both a fighter and a teacher is totally unheard of, which might be easy to accept had we not already seen Rich Franklin serve as a coach on this show. Jordan’s opponent will be Brad Tavares, a Hawaiian who sounds like a teacher himself by saying that “fighting is fun.†For those keeping score: Of the four fighters we’ve seen in the octagon thus far, Justin is the only one who does not have a one-pec tattoo.
The action gets under way, and Jordan immediately tries to connect with a body kick, which Brad catches and holds while unloading punches and a knee into Jordan’s face. They then wrestle for position along the fence, a battle that ends with Jordan being knocked out with the rare knee-punch combo. Brad moves into the house, while Jordan starts to prepare for a world of humiliation. Surely the heckling and loss of respect from his pre-teen students will be more painful than the beating he has just absorbed.
Cleburn Walker will be competing in our next fight, and in case you couldn’t tell by his name, he is from Texas. His opponent is Kris McCray, a fauxhawk-wearing Virginian who claims to be “tame, but off the chain.†He needs only about 15 seconds to dispose of Cleburn, who verbally taps when he suffers a shoulder dislocation. Afterward, Kris reminds us how deceptively dangerous he is, comparing himself to “a swamp thing, a superhero, but just ferocious. They might not look like a superhero, being a nice guy, but they are, and that’s me: savage.†No, that’s you: incoherent.
Our next fight will feature Norman Paraisy, a native Frenchman aiming to change Americans’ perceptions of fighters hailing from his homeland. Yeah, because after watching French and French-Canadian fighters like Cheick Kongo and Georges St-Pierre, we all think French mixed martial artists are a bunch of chumps. Norman will be taking on James Hammortree, who boasts a 5-1 record and a decidedly tougher name than his opponent. The action begins, and immediately Norman shoots a double and earns an easy takedown. From outside the cage, however, Tito coaches James and helps him escape, then watches as his new protégée gains top position and advances to mount. James finishes the round with some nice ground and pound, and as he comes back to his corner, Norman announces that he doesn’t want to continue. The fight is called, and James is moving into the house. As Norman is soundly derided for his lack of heart by both coaches, I find myself going out on a limb to predict that Norman will not be getting a wildcard slot in the house.
We then move on to a montage of highlights from other, presumably more boring fights. Among those advancing to the next round are Nick Ring (TKO), Kyle Noke (UD), and Court McGee (sudden-victory UD).
Our next bout features Cincinnati’s Victor O’Donnell taking on Chris Camozzi, the latter of whom has a grenade tattooed on his chest. Considering that previous grenade-tattoo-wearing fighters on this show include trainwrecks like Junie Browning and Jon “War Machine†Koppenhaver, I’m pulling for Victor. The bout is action-packed from the outset, as evidenced by no less than five camera shots of Dana reacting to the fight. As round 2 starts, one of Victor’s eyes has swollen shut, and immediately Chris uncorks two head kicks to that side. Victor hangs in, however, and the second round turns into a crazy slugfest that sees both fighters landing huge punches and knees, as well as scoring takedowns. Not surprisingly, the evenly fought regulation period ends in a draw, and we head to a third round. The final period ends like its predecessors, and as Chris ekes out a unanimous-decision victory, Victor is stretchered out with a broken orbital bone.
Kyacey Uscola will compete next, and at two different points says he is superior to the other “cats†competing for a spot in the house. Hopefully someone has told Kyacey that he will in fact be fighting a human opponent, Brent Cooper. Although, given that he looks eerily similar to a mannequin, maybe the “human†thing isn’t such a given. The action starts, and thankfully Dana is wearing a microphone, so we can hear invaluable commentary like, “Come on, boys, mix it up.†Kyacey comes out with guns blazing, and within about 30 seconds has lived up to his promise to “knock some cats out,†turning the lights out on Brent with several vicious punches.
We then go to highlights from the Joe Henle-Constantinos Philippou battle, where Joe absorbs a significant amount of punishment before grabbing an armbar out of nowhere and earning a submission victory. How could someone bounce back from that kind of beating, only to pull out a miracle? Maybe Joe’s resemblance to a certain otherworldly deity isn’t purely coincidental. Either way, we move on to more highlights, as Rich Attonito, Charles Blanchard and an undefeated Josh Bryant earn slots in the house.
Our final bout matches Flock of Seagulls lookalike Charley Lynch against Clayton McKinney, who has honored a Wrestlemania VI-era Roddy Piper by dividing his hair color right down the middle, between brown and green. During a commercial break, Charley vows to “pimp it as hard as I can†if he makes it into the house. Um, what? The fight starts, and the two friends proceed to pummel each other for several minutes. Eventually Charley starts to bleed, and Clayton winces at the appearance of his opponent’s face. Sure enough, a different camera angle reveals that Charley’s nose is distorted worse than Rich Franklin’s, after Anderson Silva was done with it. Appearing reluctant to inflict further damage, Clayton sets his guilty conscience aside long enough to crack Charley one more time. Referee Steve Mazzagatti brings a ridiculously overdue end to the bout, and Clayton is moving into the house.
All 14 winners assemble in the gym at the end of the day, where Dana gives them a pep talk and reminds them to learn from their coaches. He then concludes this week’s show by welcoming them to the show, in the process making sure to have both the first and last word on this episode.
Random thoughts:
When the guys first walked into the gym and immediately started swearing, were they trying to impress Dana?
After only a few seconds in the gym, how did Joe Henle know it had been completely revamped?
Anyway, other than a new coat of paint, did it really look that much different?
When Dana was addressing the fighters, how lame did the guy in the back look, wearing sunglasses?
When the fighters were walking to the octagon, why did the onscreen graphic bother identifying them as middleweights, considering all of this season’s contestants will be fighting at that weight?
Upon seeing Jamie, did anyone else wonder when Carlito had started moonlighting as a hairstylist?
Did the UFC match up Jamie and Ben because they have pretty-much identical chest tattoos?
Right before Jamie and Ben fought, and the coaches were shown applauding, why was Chuck clapping using the back of his hand?
How absolutely petrified did Ben look after Jamie landed those first couple kicks?
Did Jamie steal his post-fight breakdance move from Georges St-Pierre?
When you heard Jordan say that he has to consciously “try to get through the day without ripping somebody’s head off,†were you thankful that your child is not one of his pupils?
Why did Tito say that Brad knocked out Jordan with a right hook, when it was much more of a straight punch?
How weak were Kris’ pre- and post-fight promos, referring to himself in the third person?
Could that Burger King logo in the center of the octagon be any bigger?
Why did Tito suddenly start coaching James?
And, why didn’t he coach someone in every fight?
Given his dominant position, shouldn’t James have finished Norman in the first round?
How hilarious was it for Norman to promise he’d change Americans’ perceptions of the French, then turn around and quit in the middle of his fight?
Could they have squeezed any more information into the “Inside the Octagon†segment?
When Dana said that, with the exception of Vitor Belfort, Anderson Silva has cleaned out the middleweight division, do you think guys like Wanderlei Silva and Chael Sonnen might have liked to retort?
How could you not love Chuck’s dig at Tito and tapping to strikes?
After listening to Nick’s post-fight interview, where he talked aboat moving into the hoase, do you think he might be just a little Canadian?
Was it just me, or did the cut suffered by Warren Thompson make the one sustained last season by Abe Wagner look like a paper cut?
Did the producers keep a cageside camera on Dana the whole time, so as not to miss any of his ridiculously overdramatic reactions?
How awesome was the Victor-Chris fight?
And how bummed is Victor to have suffered a broken orbital bone, since he would otherwise have been a shoe-in as a wildcard selection?
Did anyone else notice that the punch that knocked Brent out landed squarely on the back of his head?
When he was announcing the decision, why did referee Steve Mazzagatti refer to Joe as “Leonitis�
Was anyone surprised that several fights featuring wrestlers were shown in montages, considering they were probably slow and plodding?
How much surgery did Charley require on his nose after his fight with Clayton?
After hearing Clayton refer to other fighters as “cats†in his post-fight interview, was I the only one hoping to not have to endure many conversations between him and Kyacey?
Why did the producers subtitle Kyle toward the end of the show, when everything he said was perfectly intelligible?
Could the previews for this season – tension between coaches, tension at the house, coaches frustrated with their fighters, coaches tearing doors off their hinges – be any more formulaic?
And even though it’s likely just a ploy to get Dana more TV time, wouldn’t it be cool if the scene teasing friction between him and Chuck actually led to Dana getting knocked out?
Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.
