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THE FUN HOUSE MIRROR - ISSUE 7

Last week WWE pulled out all of the stops that it knows how to pull out to try to combat the 600 pound gorilla that is The Ultimate Fighter.  However, despite the WWE putting on a much better show than usual, it paled in comparison to the spectacle of 28 guys punching each other in the face. 

So, can the WWE follow up last weeks show?  Or, will they follow in the footsteps of TNA by putting up their best effort first but not having any effective follow through? 

What will be the fall out of David "The WWE creative team all wishes that they can hang out with me" Otunga's hosting of RAW? 

Will we have to sit through more repetitions of those stupid promo packages?  Or, will the contestants get a real chance to succeed or fail by cutting live promos or by cutting inset reaction promos? 

I believe that Buck Woodward pointed this out, that there seems to be a different set of writers each week for this show.  Which set of writers will be working the show this week? 

Will we have a show full of rudo beat downs after the matches, as if team Vince Russo was writing the show?  (Let's hope they don't lower Michael Tarver from the ceiling wrapped in police tape!) 

Will the show be an infomercial for the next WWE pay per view, as if team RAW was writing the show? 

Only one way to find out: roll the tape! 

Only three seconds into the show and we already get Cole's "Say What?" #1: "It's only five weeks away from the first elimination so it's put up or shut up time."  No.  No.  It's not.  If it was, then why watch the next four episodes?  How about "... so the rookies are running out of time to make their mark?" 

Matt Striker is back!  After all, after DW was all over the first episode of TUF, you knew that WWE had to respond. 

Striker introduces the rookies in order of their rankings from eight to one.  Otunga is the only one who gets a nickname thrown in.  At least the rookies get to make live entrances.  But, will Striker let them talk? 

Wade Barrett is really tall.  With the rookies lined up like that Wade looks like a male version of Yurina Kumai in Berryz Kobo. 

Daniel Bryan seems to be getting over with the crowd. 

No promo love for Darren Young this week. 

Wow, he can't wrestle, but at least Otunga can cut a promo that makes logical sense from start to finish.  He still has RAW shaved into his hair style, which is a plus style-wise. 

But, does the WWE need more members of Crime Tyme?  Specifically, more people who want to be professional wrestlers because they want to be popular in the clubs and not because they want to put in the effort to be good wrestlers? 

Dang, if their job was to give Bryan a blunt, insulting, Chloe O'Brian style persona, then they have succeeded.  But at least he admits that the he doesn't think he deserves to be number one yet.  Still, unless Michael Cole is going to be transitioned into being an Andy Kaufman style heel manager, I don't see the payoff in Bryan taking shots at him.  It's okay to take shots at Otunga and the Miz because there would be a payoff in the ring, but there's no payoff in Bryan "fighting" Cole. 

Holy cow.  Gee, WWE, see what happens when you give someone a live microphone?  Who knew that Micheal Tarver could be an intimidating bad ass? 

Too bad this illusion is destroyed three seconds later when Tarver goes back to wearing his usual happy go lucky grin.  This is a guy who should never smile in public because he looks like a wimp when he smiles. 

Mental and physical challenges?  What the heck is this crap?  The diva search?  Are they going to play dodge ball?  Rub the belly of Kamala?  Eat pie?  Make Kurt Angle tap out?  Oops, that's tough enough. 

But no, it's a game of carry a one hundred and sixty pound keg of beer around the ring.  Too bad that Jonathon Coachman isn't here to show up the divas by demonstrating the course faster than the contestants can do it. 

Now, at this point I am wishing that Los Ice Creams were also in this competition (El Hijo de Ice Cream and Ice Cream Junior).  One of their signature spots is a gimmick where both of the luchadors will act terrified of their opponents and one Ice Cream will carry the other one flying flat in his arms all the way to the back, and then have to carry him all the way back to the ring to beat the count. 

Daniel Bryan takes around 25 seconds to maneuver the keg, probably slowed down by his unfamiliarity with a keg since Daniel lives a straight edge lifestyle. 

Wade Barrett does it in closer to Los Ice Creams form (although he doesn't hold the keg at shoulder level) and breaks 15 seconds.  At least the keg stays away from his nose. 

Not to be upstaged, Justin Gabriel breaks 14 seconds, although he might have been disqualified for touching the barrel before the word go.  However, he wasn't touching the barrel when the word go was said, so I guess it's all good in the hood. 

Continuing with the anything you can do I can do better vibe, Heath Slater, who as a one man rock band has possibly carried a lot of kegs around, comes in with a time of twelve seconds. 

What will Otunga do?  After all, a keg usually carries beer, not Cristal wine.  At least Otunga has heel heat.  Now, will he shed his True Religion jeans before starting?  Oh, yes he does.  And the streak ends as even wearing sunglasses doesn't help Otunga as he finishes ahead of Barrett and behind Gabriel. 

However, if brute force is the key, if familiarity with kegs is the key, look out because here comes Skip Sheffield!  However, he fumbles a little at the start and even though he carries the keg on his shoulder, he only makes 12.4 seconds. 

Will Tarver be a bad ass or a wussie?  Oops, more like chicken poop heel as Tarver drops the keg TWICE and then runs around saying "I didn't drop it!"  Great crowd reaction though. 

And, finally, Darren Young is up.  Will C. M. Punk do a run in and tell Young not to touch the keg because it is a symbol of the weakness of the personalities of every person in the crowd?  Will the party boy use his experience with handling kegs to win? 

But, it is not to be as Young is not faster than Heath. 

And, for winning the keg carry, Heath gets an opportunity to be in the main event tonight.  Will it be against the Great Khali?  The Big Show?  Mae Young?  Big Dick Johnson?  Hornswaggle? 

I was close!  It's Glen "Kane" "I don't like Pete Rose" Jacobs!  I wonder how long it would take Kane to run the keg?  He's pretty agile for a 300 pound big guy. 

At least the RAW rebound will be on topic this week.  Otunga is a heel so he does some heel shenanigans on Cena.  Simple but effective.  I wonder why Cena doesn't see the shenanigans coming since Otunga was in a promo package with one of his opponents, the Miz, two weeks before?  

Oh my god, a REACTION VIDEO??  Yes!  But, Skip claiming that the competition was rigged is not going to accomplish anything.  Why not simply say that the competition was his to win, but he fumbled the keg at the start and that was the margin of his loss and he can only blame himself?  After all, we've already had Tarver be a chicken poop heel tonight. 

Darren Young vs Daniel Bryan.  This might be pretty good.  And, the Straight Edge Society is not out there so Darren has to stand or fall on his own merits.  In fact, there have been zero pros so far on the program (not counting Kane). 

CATTLE MUTILATION!!!  I thought I would never see this move in a WWE ring, but here it is. 

But, it is merely used as a transition move and not even called.  Young wins with a blah looking roll up.  And, no handshake after the match.  But, then again, I'm pretty sure that RoH ever used Darren "Frederick of Hollywood" Young. 

Wow, WWE, way to waste one genuinely cool move.  Will Lo-Ki's dragon sleeper be used as a transition move next season? 

Wow, an inset video promo?  TUF has REALLY forced WWE to step it up and the viewer is the winner. 

Tarver really, really needs to be coached in how to cut a promo.  Looking like your eyes are three quarters shut is not going to help your cause. 

Justin Gabriel has his usual match with Tarver, which means sell, sell, sell, make a comeback and finish with the 450 splash.  At least Tarver has lost those stupid MMA gloves from the first week. 

Will Tarver snap next week? 

We get reminded next that the RAW draft is next week.  Or, as I like to call it, the week where workers who are completely over on Smackdown and ready to make an impact get moved to RAW so they can be jobbed out and then released within the month. 

Otunga comes out next and has a cool insert promo where he says that the pros rated him fifth because they felt threatened by him.  Hey, considering how many WWE writers drool when Otunga's name is mentioned, maybe that was a shoot? 

So, it's Wade Barrett vs Otunga.  So far, the score between team bottom half and team top half is one to one. 

Barrett inset promo reminds us he's all about the money and therefore won't settle for second place.  Cole reminds us that the purple rose means that he loves to compete. 

Josh Mathews name checking the pounce? 

Wade wins with his forward attitude adjuster.  The match featured a lot of strikes to Wade's chin and ear but zero strikes to the nose.  Not too bad a match considering Otunga was in it and it was heel vs heel. 

So, Kane can manhandle all of the rookies on Smackdown and we're supposed to believe that Kane vs Slater is going to be a fair contest? 

As everyone watching would have guessed, the Kane vs Slater match is pretty much a squash by Kane.  Kane dishes out generous servings of ass whupping but to Heath's credit he finishes his meal with the dessert being the choke slam. 

Cole's "Say What?" #2.  Cole talks about Heath being a rock star without the instruments.  Josh (incorrectly) mentions that Heath doesn't sat that and Cole mentions (perhaps correctly) that Heath has said it on Twitter.  But, Heath said it in the first episode of the show. 

Excellent show!  I could have done without the wasting of cattle mutilation, but the inset promos and the reaction videos were all VERY much appreciated.  And, the physical challenge, though silly, at least randomized the show to some extent and gave the rookies a true chance to make their own chances (or fumble them away). 

I guess we can say that the "good" writing team showed up this week. 

Last week on TUF we had the "let's fight our way into the house" episode.  This week they should really be getting serious with the character development as the show contestants move into the house. 

What can the WWE learn about sports reality television this week? 

Let's roll the tape: 

The contestants arrive at the house and immediately choose roommates.  But, wait.  What if the roommates wind up on opposite teams?  Oh, the bromance angst of it all! 

Then we have a rundown of who is banged up from their fights, all told in first person with no announcer narration.  In this world there is no Michael Cole.  (Hint, hint.) 

Then it's time for the most important part of the show, the choosing of teams.  They show the coaches and Chuck Liddell has a some Japanese kanji tatooed on his skull.  Does it say something like "Dumb foreigner paid too much for this tattoo"?  Nope, actually wikipedia says that the tattoo means "house of happiness and prosperity" which is the style of Karate that Chuck trained in.  Chuck represents. 

So, it's going to be Team Liddell vs Team Punishment as indicated by the jackets. 

Tito wins the toss, so which will he choose?  Will he choose to have the first pick of the fighters or will he get to pick the first match up? 

Tito gazes at the fighters and decides that there is one fighter that he MUST have since he opts for the first pick, which is ...

Nick Ring.  Tito says that he liked Nick's poise. 

Chuck Liddell chooses Kyle Noke as his first pick for his fight record and composure. 

The complete picks were: 

Tito: Nick Ring (1st)  Liddel: Kyle Noke (1st)

Tito: Kyacey Uscola   Liddel: Rich Antonito

Tito: Kris McCray   Liddel: Charles Blachard

Tito: Jamie Yagar   Liddel: Josh Bryant

Tito: James Hammortree  Liddel: Brad Tavares

Tito: Clayton McKinney  Liddel: Court McGee

Tito: Chris Camozzi   Liddel: Joe Henle 

Tito boasts after the picks that Chuck didn't take any of the fighters that he wanted. 

There is a consistent psychological motif with the picks each year.  The people who get picked last are always mad and eager to prove that they are for real and the people who get picked first are usually "protected" by having an early "easy" fight if their coach is in control of the picks. 

However, in this case, you can make the argument that Tito could tell Clayton "Hey, man, I would have picked you first, but I knew that Chuck would have never picked you because of your hair." 

The Gieco caveman is chosen last.  Isn't that just too typical? 

"Team Liddell looks like Willie Wonka and the chocolate factory?"  Gee, WWE see what happens when you don't script promos? 

DW is in the Tito camp, openly questioning Chuck picks. 

This could be a harbinger of bad luck for Tito considering what DW's record is for picking fights. 

Liddell starts training his team and I can see off the get go that this will be a strike heavy team since Chuck has in tow a karate guy (John Hackleman) and a boxing guy (Howard Davis Jr.) as assistant coaches. 

Since Tito is awesome at Jujitsu, I can see this being a long season for team Liddell if they don't get a lot of quick knockouts. 

Liddell says he is not here to change the fighters, just tweak them and make them slightly better. 

Tito counters with Sal Soliz (stand up and ground game) and Cleber Luciano (Jujitsu black belt). 

I see I spoke to soon about Tito and Clayton McKinney.  Tito picked him sixth because Clayton was selling his shoulder during his fight.  Tito then proceeds to ride Clayton's butt rather than cutting him some slack to heal up. 

This might be hidden kindness because Tito does not control the first fight and Liddell also saw that Clayton was hurt. 

This season, instead of lining the fighters line up by team, they have the teams sitting down in bleachers.  Bad move.  The line up was more dramatic looking. 

Who will Liddell pick?  One would think that he should put his number one or number two pick against Tito's sixth or seventh pick so that Chuck's best fighter would get to the next round and be fresh.  But, we don't know what goes on behind the scenes with injuries and colds. 

Liddell picks:  Kyle Noke vs Clayton McKinney.  No real surprise here. 

One psychological motif that recurs from season to season is that the choosing coach will stare at one fighter from the opposing team, then pick another fighter.  It must be fun for the coach to do so, but I can't really see this influencing the result. 

One thing you can say about Tito is that he has good repour with the people he coaches.  In the previous time that Tito coached he wound up cooking dinner for his fighters.  This season he buys them all matching running shoes. 

Jamie Yagar, Court McGee, and Brad Tavares have formed a clique even though they aren't on the same team.  They immediately get the pranks rolling by conspiring to wake the house in the middle of the night with air horns.  Wow, Jamie is a chicken poop heel who will probably leak injury reports to the other team?  Who didn't see that coming? 

Clayton McKinney gets his MRI results and fortunately for him it is "merely" a bone bruise in his shoulder.  Tito continues to ride his ass, but with the first fight looming, there is no time to take real offense. 

McKinney must have a lot of weight to loose because he is going for the full treatment of sweats and exercise machine. 

We then meet Kyle Noke.  He represents down under ya'all. 

We hear from Liddel that Tito had said in the press that Chuck was an alcoholic, and that there was a good chance that Tito might get a receipt for that during the season which Tito would probably sue Chuck over. 

Clayton McKinney then admits that he has to cut twenty pounds off his normal weight to make the weigh in.  And, that he hates Yagar which is not surprising. 

The weight to make is 186.  Will we have drama?  Will we have women's underwear like we had in season 10? 

Nope, no drama, both fighters make weight. 

So we are set for this week's fight as the no nonsense Aussie takes on the two tone hair guy who wants to give himself the nickname "moneyshot".  Wow, isn't it truly sad that I have to make two Orlando Jordan references in one show? 

So we get the fight.  After two minutes of cautious strikes the fight moves to the ground.  After several reversals McKinney is caught in a triangle choke and taps out.  Kyle at least observes the code of honor and shakes Clayton's hand. 

Tito immediately acts like a dick at tries to teach him right there how to get out of it.  Um, why not teach him in private during practice? 

That must have hurt though when the fighter with an all striking coaching staff taps out the fighter from the team with the all BJJ coaching staff. 

Next week there will be a shocking announcement?  Bring it on. 

So, this week both the WWE and UFC put on really good shows. 

What can the WWE do to make things better?  Maybe try to minimize Cole and Mathews some more by bringing out rookies to help analyze matches in progress?  Maybe have the next challenge be a coordination drill?  Maybe have a team challenge where rookies have to pair up? 

In any event I am happy that I am no longer sounding like a broken record on the suggestions.