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THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER REPORT

Well, it only took four fights, but Tito Ortiz and his team finally picked up their first victory on last week’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter. Tonight, Team Ortiz will look to make it two in a row, and who are we to say they can’t do it? Whether it’s opposing teams, the odds, or live-in girlfriends, Tito is no stranger to beating things.

Yeah, I went there.

Of course, this week’s news about Tito allegedly assaulting Jenna Jameson is at this point merely an unproven accusation, but there is no doubting his desire to get another win over the team coached by rival Chuck Liddell. But before we can get to this week, we recap what happened seven nights ago, when Jamie Yager defeated Team Liddell’s Charles Blanchard. Several fighters comment on Jamie’s takedown defense, and it how it resulted in Charles having to stand with Jamie. Before long, Charles was getting pounded out after eating a superman punch that landed, as Brad Tavares said doing his best Joe Rogan impression, “right on the button.”

At the house, a few of the guys sit around discussing the wildcard prospects for the preliminary round’s final bout, and it is casually revealed that Clayton McKinney will not be competing anymore this season due to a shoulder injury. Hey, way to kind of just throw that in there. Charles then tells us that he is also injured and will not be back to compete. Some of the already-eliminated fighters actually want the wildcard spot, though, including Kyacey Uscola and James Hammortree, the latter of whom has apparently been endowed with the way cooler nickname “Hammertime.”

Everyone assembles at the gym for this week’s fight announcement, where Tito announces that he has selected Kris McCray to take on Team Liddell’s Josh Bryant. Kyacey expects Kris to win easily, since Josh “doesn’t look like the fighting type.” Right – the fighting type looks like a guy whose misspelled first name starts with “K-Y.”

Team Liddell is ready to train, but first assistant coach John Hackleman wants to give them a pep talk. John tells his guys that they will all be winners as long as they fight their hardest, even if they don’t actually win their fight. He also claims that it’s OK to drop a fight here and there because “you won’t even remember your losses.” Well, that’s true if you’re Chuck, who literally probably doesn’t remember being knocked out cold in his most recent bouts. Later we meet Josh, who says that fighting has saved his life by keeping him out of trouble. Isn’t fighting what usually gets people into trouble?

We next meet Kris, who tells us that he has a habit of finishing his opponents quickly. He lets us know that he comes from “a real mixed background,” and though I expect him to discuss the diversity of his MMA training, instead he talks about his multiethnic bloodline. We then see him and his teammates participate in a rather intimate-looking exercise that seems to involve one man cradling another and carrying him over the threshold. Ironically, it is at this exact moment that Tito notifies us that Kris has been in the gym “pushing his butt.” I’m not judging, just saying.

Back at the house, Clayton – sans green hair – is recovering from surgery. Again, way to drop a bombshell with no buildup. Why is this guy a complete afterthought this week? Clayton’s Canadian housemate, Nick Ring, says that some of the coaches had been suggesting Clayton was faking his injury, but he doesn’t know what they’re talking aboat. Clayton says that the surgery validates the severity of his injury, since apparently even his own coach was doubting him.

We go to the weigh-ins, where both guys make weight. Though he is Josh’s teammate, Brad is still pulling for Kris, since both are members of The Minority Report, the clique that formed last week but has yet to be name-checked tonight. Nick agrees that Kris will probably win, citing the knockout power in his hands that will probably knock Josh oat.

For the second week in a row, Chuck will have to miss a fight because of “previous engagements.” If the fighters aren’t even allowed to make a phone call, why are the coaches apparently just allowed to come and go as they please? John Hackleman will be filling in for Chuck, a point he inexplicably makes with the assistance of finger quotes. Speaking of fingers, Clayton flips Tito the bird after his coach comes over to apologize for accusing him of faking his injury. Way to wait until his back is turned, pu**y.

It’s Fight Day, and Chuck calls in to wish Josh luck. At least I think that’s what he said – that connection sounded like a pair of tin cans tied together with a piece of string. Josh says he is not nervous, because he considers the matchup to be winnable. Kris, meanwhile, is ready to live up to his “Savage” nickname, a pseudonym he says he earned as a child. As he enters the octagon, Jamie pretends to cheer him on from the bleachers, but suddenly (and maniacally) turns his thumbs-up upside down. Who does he think he is, Batista?

It’s only 10:30, and we’re ready for the action to begin – something tells me this won’t be another :39 victory for Kris. The fight starts, and right away Kris lives up to his promise to push the pace and go for a quick finish. Kris hits a variety of kicks, knees and punches, but Josh hangs tough and weathers an early storm that also includes a couple of submission attempts. Kris manages several takedowns, but halfway through the round has already grown fatigued. Josh, who has expended very little energy, then earns a takedown of his own, but Kris brings it back to the feet, then lands a series of punishing knees and punches to the body to end the round.

Round 2 begins, and right off the bat Kris looks sluggish. Josh spends the entire first minute cleanly landing punch after punch, including a couple of textbook jabs. After a brief comeback, Kris is taken down, and winds up in kind of an inverted crucifix, with Josh landing a few elbows to the left side of Kris’ face. Eventually Kris gets out and gets a takedown of his own, but spends the final 90 seconds of the round in Josh’s guard, inflicting no damage. Not surprisingly, the judges have decided this bout will go to a third round to determine a winner.

Both guys are exhausted at the start of the third round, and though both try halfheartedly for a takedown, Josh and Kris stay tied up against the fence for pretty much the entire period, neither doing much to advance his position. Referee Herb Dean FINALLY separates them with barely a minute left, and immediately Josh unloads with a flurry of big shots. He then takes Kris to the mat and continues beating on him, then decides to try submitting him with both a kimura and rear naked choke. Finally, however, the horn sounds, bringing to an end the sloppiest, cardio-deficient fight since the UFC’s version of Shogun-Coleman. Thanks to the final minute of the fight, Josh is awarded the unanimous decision.

Afterward, as Josh celebrates advancing to the next round, Tito laments his team’s loss, but vows to come back because he never quits or backs down from anything. Um, given that that mantra also allegedly now includes arguments and possible physical contact with your girlfriend, Tito, maybe now is the time to learn that backing down every once in a while isn’t always a bad thing.

Random thoughts:

When someone like Clayton or Rich Attonito is put on the shelf with an injury, why are they allowed to stay at the house?

Why not replace them with a healthy fighter, as was done in the first few seasons?

With all the injuries to the wildcard candidates, will you be surprised if the two guys selected happen to also be the only two guys healthy enough to compete?

How does James know what the intent of the wildcard rule was when it was created?

Before Tito mentioned it during this week’s fight announcement, did you remember the $5,000 first-round-finish rule?

Damn, how cool was that UFC 114 ad?

Why did the producers of this show bother to show a 5-second clip of Chuck assessing Josh by generically calling him “an interesting guy” and “a great fighter”?

For someone who had just finished bragging about being able to speak German, how badly did Kris struggle trying to say just one sentence?

Why was Kyacey complaining about potentially breaking down his body during training, when right now he’s not even in the competition anyway?

When Frankie Edgar was talking about the depth of the lightweight division, did I really see Kurt Pellegrino pictured among the potential title challengers?

Was Tito “I fought with a cracked skull” Ortiz seriously accusing someone else of exaggerating an injury?

Do you realize that “previous commitments” have caused Chuck to miss 40% of his team’s fights so far?

When Kris was talking about becoming “The Savage,” how did he get from talking about being reckless as a child, to randomly discussing his current relationship with his father, in a matter of seconds?

Why did Kris tell us not to get up for snacks during his fight, when there was still a commercial break coming up before his fight was going to start?

Why was Arianny having so much trouble figuring out the “2” sign between rounds?

Does Kris have a hickey tattooed on his neck?

For such a slow fight, how excited were the spectators in the gym?

Did I see an ad for the Marine Corps, categorizing Dana White as an “elite cage fighter”?

Given their apparent struggle with cardio, was anyone really that excited about seeing Josh and Kris go to a third round?

What was with the hybrid rear naked choke/camel clutch by Josh at the end of the third period?

Did Tito really say Team Ortiz is 4-1? How about trying 1-4?

Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.

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