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THE FUN HOUSE MIRROR - ISSUE 10

Welcome back to the Fun House Mirror, where we look at a reality television show that wants to look like a MMA show but often looks like a bad pro wrestling show, and we look at a reality television show that wants to look like a MMA show but comes off like a good pro wrestling show.

This week the professional wrestling world was rocked when, (as reported by Pro Wrestling Insider) Jorge "Skayde" Rivera, one of the founding fathers of Chikara Wrestling, held up the company for more money on the eve of Chikara King of Trios tournament. Less than a year ago, on the first Dragon Gate pay per view, Mike Quackenbush took a low blow kick from YAMOTO during an argument over Skayde's importance to both companies. This weekend, Skayde was booed when he appeared on tape during promo segments.

Also this week the world of MMA was rocked when, (as reported by TMZ), Tito Ortiz was arrested for alleged domestic abuse against his wife, former ECW personality Jenna Jameson. DW says that if the charges have merit then the UFC will have nothing more to do with Tito.

Is real world drama overpowering what goes on in the ring and the octagon?

Let's find out by rolling the tape.

We start out with everyone in the ring, so it's challenge time. What will the divas cough cough contestants have to do this time?

Wait a second, "diva" does kind of describe Tarver's (and Carlito's) attitude so maybe this all does make sense?

"Wink Martindale" Matt Striker? Are they planning on using Wink as a guest host for Monday Night Raw?

The rookies are lined up but they are slightly out of order. A subliminal message?

Again, this week, no one gets that big a reaction from the crowd on their introduction. Wade had the best heel facials and Justin had the best baby face facials, in my opinion.

What's with Skip wearing a leather jacket with spikes? Is he going to go for the Razor Ramon Hard Gay look?

The "seal the deal" challenge? Testing their salesmanship? How can this not turn into wrestlecrap? I have a very bad feeling about this.

By his facials, I think that Justin agrees with me.

The prize of the contest is a match next week against the WWE pro of your choosing. Well, that could motivate the heck out of Daniel Bryan, couldn't it? And, if he won, you could have a classic angle. You could have Bryan say he wants to avenge his loss against William Regal. The Miz accompanies Bryan to ring side for the match, but finds out to his dismay that the match was a set up for Bryan and Regal to get their revenge against the Miz for his post match rampage following the first Regal versus Bryan match.

I suspect that Tarver will also not try this week, saying that he can challenge a pro any time he wants.

Skip Sheffield is first and I think my head is going to explode. Selling programs for $15? Is DW going to be giving the same assignment to everyone or easier assignments to the people he likes cough David Otunga cough.

Skip is able to move sixty dollars worth of programs. Maybe he could sell sixty dollars worth of tickets and work an indy show?

We then jump directly to a match. Since I don't think that we are going to have eight segments, maybe the winner will sell goods immediately after his match?

It's going to be Christian/Slater vs Jericho/Barrett in a tag match. These four have been involved in a mini feud for the past couple of weeks with Barrett pinning Christian in an eight man tag, Christian pinning Barrett and Slater pinning Jericho. Both Slater and Barrett have won challenges. Will Barrett debut his entrance music this week? Will it be as awesome as the Mountie's theme music?

Nope, they come to the ring to Break The Walls Down.

And, Cole name checks Christian Slater. Will this be a good night for Cole?

Jericho wins the match, this time by kicking out of the roll up counter to the Walls of Jericho and then hitting the Code Breaker. A smooth match where everyone looked good, except maybe for Slater who looked a little off with his neckbreaker.

Immediately after the match we have manly salesman Daniel Byran. However, Bryan doesn't find capitalism manly and he proceeds to give away his stash of programs. I wonder if VKM is going to perceive this a kick in the grapefruits as Bryan is wasting the WWE's money, or if VKM will perceive this as a cunning way to get over with the fans and sell more tickets. Too bad he doesn't say "Our prices are insane!"

The score so far, Sheffield $60, Bryan $0.

I think that Cole bashing Bryan should have it's own musical cue since it is a weekly event.

Carlito then practices some tough love on Michael Tarver by making him carry both of their bags. However, if the point of the exercise is attention to detail then Tarver is STILL an epic fail because he drags the bags but doesn't close the hatch on the rent-a-car. Good use of "earlier today" footage

It's Tarver versus Darren Young next. Will the newest member of SES, Joey Mercury interfere?

But first we have Justin trying to sell programs. Justin cuts a pretty good promo before he starts, trying to motivate the fans by saying that if he wins the competition he'll get to do what he does best, wrestling. However, it could have been better. He could have said that he wants to win because he wants to fight a specific pro, either to win the respect of a baby face pro or to beat some heel pro because the pro makes him mad.

Justin sells twenty-two programs, even though he didn't quite recognize the difference between twenties and fives.

Justin $330, Skip $60, Daniel $0.

Before the match we get the pro's opinion on Michael Tarver. Now, while these features are okay to watch, they do NOT contribute to the goal of the show which is to get the rookies over so that some of them can join either Smackdown or RAW. What this segment SHOULD be is the rookies giving their opinions on the other rookies. The WWE seems to be doing things backwards, by trying to find a star by telling the fans who to root for instead of presenting the rookies as they are and seeing if the fans naturally take to them.

And, if the rookie that the writing team wants to get over doesn't get over, but some unknown catches fire with the WWE Universe, what does that hurt besides the egos of the WWE writers?

Gallows and Serina accompany Darren to ring side but no C. M. Punk.

The story of the match is that Luke Gallows interferes on behalf of Darren to help Darren win. However, Luke still wants nothing to do with Darren, even though Darren is willing to bury the hatchet.

What, Justin's score was recalibrated? What happened? Did he not give proper change and sold a bunch of them for five dollars? Or, is this whole segment a, gasp, work?

It's Otunga's turn to do the selling and from his expression and body language he couldn't be less interested.

However, Otunga has a trick up his sleeve as he recruits a couple of plants, cough cough, kids to help him sell the programs.

Otunga does slip in "show me the money" so he is definitely on top of his game.

No Cena/Batista spam this week. And, as reported on Professional Wrestling Insider, Batista is not long for the WWE so maybe we've seen the end of it? We get a recap of the draft. I wonder if they will do it from the NXT point of view, showing were the NXT pros moved?

After the draft spam we get told what to think about Justin Gabriel.

Another "earlier today feature" shows that R-Truth is rocking a Bret and Owen Hart T-Shirt and mumbling something or other back and forth between him and David Otunga. Otunga doesn't seem convinced though.

Then, the fourth non-wrestling segment in a row, Heath gets to sell programs. Will he be able to blow our minds? Apparently, Otunga must have sold $315 worth of merch. But, who does Otunga challenge if he wins? His own coach?

Slater does not beat $315 due to inferior organizational skills.

Then we go right into Darren Young's turn at shilling. Darren has the right idea, trying to fire people up for a Young versus C. M. Punk match up, but it is not to be.

Tarver gets his shot next. This should actually be entertaining. Maybe Tarver will take the programs, turn them sideways and stick them up Wink Striker's rooty poot candy butt?

Nope, he just walks off, saying that he is the product. What ev'.

Wade Barrett is up next. Too bad saying that "buy these programs or I will rearrange your face" won't work too well. Can Wade come up with a compelling match up? Maybe he can say that he wants to fight Regal because he wants to show what he can do against a great wrestler?

Instead, Wade says that he doesn't need to do it and is going to walk off with the change money because he can. This actually gets a good heel reaction! Go Wade!

So, Otunga is given the competition (over Justin who accidentally won) and gets to pick the pro of he wants to fight.

We then get told what to think of Daniel Bryan. This is way too many non-wrestling segments in a row. They could have split this up a little bit better.

So, to further the story line from last week, Otunga picks R-Truth to fight next week. Can R-Truth carry Otunga? This could get ugly.

Finally, the main event! The Miz comes out without his tag team straps since Show Miz lost the gold to the Hart Dynasty. One would expect Miz to be upset and ready to make an example of Sheffield.

We get a replay of the The Big Show turning on The Miz after the match and punching the Miz in the jaw. Damn, The Big Show could knock me out with a punch that missed by an inch just from the pressure wave. This punch looks brutal. And, it looked like the punch landed for real because The Miz has a fresh bruise on his jaw than wasn't there before the punch.

But, The Miz will fight through the pain of a swollen jaw to face The Corn Fed Meat Head. Will Bryan consider this manly?

Miz's jaw looks like crap now, but that could have been done with makeup.

Regal gets in The Miz's face before the match, probably reminding him that Regal hasn't forgotten than The Miz attacked Regal from behind last week.

However, The Miz is not manly at all and says that he can't compete due to a jaw injury, and he orders Daniel Bryan into the ring. And, just to show you what a heel the Miz is, he talks really funny for most of the promo, but says his last line normally.

The story of the match is that Sheffield listens to Regal who advises him to finish Bryan while he can and blasts Bryan with a piggyback stunner.

Does this count as a double win for Sheffield? Does he win against The Miz by forfeit? At least Skip looks like he is on the same page with Regal at last.

A thumbs in the middle program. Two of the matches had a good story but the main event was kind of flat. The challenge was totally stupid, but at least we get as a pay off R-Truth versus Otunga which has been simmering for a while.

What will happen on TUF if the charges against Tito Ortiz are found to have merit? Would D. W. cancel the show? Would they do an emergency re-edit to take all of the footage of Ortiz out?

Last week they hinted that another injury issue was coming up. Who going home? Let's roll the tape:

And immediately, TUF hits us with comments from the other fighters on last week's fight. Then, more comments from the fighters as they speculate on who will be bought back for the wild card slot and for the slot opened up by the injury to Rich Antonito.

Hey, if the contestants are intrigued by the possibilities, then there is a good chance the viewers might be as well.

Now, it's Tito Ortiz's chance to pick a fight. However, after four previous fights his chances of making an impact with his picks are dramatically reduced. On the other hand, I would think that Tito would want his number one pick, Nick Ring, to fight as soon as possible so that he can recover in time for the quarter finals.

But, no! Tito picks his Kris "the Savage" McCray to fight Josh Bryant. Tito explains that Kris says that he's ready to go. Is Nick not ready to go?

Time for the profile package on Josh Bryant. Josh is from a broken family but is 10-0. He wants to do his best so that if he does lose he'll have no regrets.

We also find out that Josh has a happy-go-lucky attitude in most things and seems jovial while cutting weight for the fight.

Kris McCray also gets a profile, and he also rocks an impressive record. Three of his professional fights were over with in under 39 seconds.

"We punish ourselves to punish our opponents." Team Punishment's motto.

The Marines bring us the weigh in, because we all know that the Marines are really known for cutting weight to make an specific number on a days notice. Okay, maybe not.

Brad Tavares of The Minority Report faction says that he will be rooting for the mixed race Kris McCray because Kris is his boy.

We find out that Liddell must miss another fight due to previous commitments. But, his assistant coach, John Hackleman says that Chuck's presence will be felt as if Chuck was John Gotti in prison.

Tito apologizes to Clayton McKinney for saying that Clayton was faking an injury after Tito finds out that Clayton has had shoulder surgery.

It's fight time. Since it is still early in the show, I would anticipate the fight going long, in spite of McCray's promise to make short work of Josh.

In the first round Kris looks better because he seems to control the clench a little better and keeps busier with his hands. Josh goes for nearly a minute without landing anything.

The second round is more of the same, only slower as both fighters are gassed.

And, as predicted by the time of the start of the fight, we go to a third round.

In the final round we get slow motion jockeying for position for the first five minutes of the round. The referee finally separates them and then Josh gets in a good rally, taking Kris down and getting back control. Kris fights out of a rear naked choke but is almost caught in a cross arm breaker as the round ends.

Josh is the winner, so Tito blows his first and only pick. Not only that, he blows any chance to further influence the picks because even if Team Liddell loses next round then there would be only two fighters left.

After the fight Josh is a fresh as a daisy and Kris has to be helped to the dressing room. So, maybe Josh wasn't as gassed as I thought early on, maybe he was conserving energy?

This marks the first time a Minority Report member (or sympathizer) has lost, so the Minority Report is proving to be less dominate so far than the Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes.

So, the injury angle promised last week was Charles Blachard not likely be able to be picked for a wild card due to an ankle injury.

Not a top notch episode of TUF. The fight was a styles clash as Kris was pretty much done after the first round and Josh didn't have enough to finish him off. Also no one called another member of their team a punk &ss b*tch this week. On the other hand, they did start an angle where Kyacey Uscola starts second guessing Tito's training techniques.

Next week, Kyacey will be blaming the loss on Tito working Kris too hard the day before the fight. Also, there will be a coach's challenge as the coaches will try to see how many programs they can sell. Wait, that's not right. The coaches will fight with pugil sticks. Wait, that's not right. The coaches will cut promos on rainbows. Wait, that's not right. The coaches will play dodge ball. Wait, that's not right, I'm thinking of the diva challenge. Oops, it is correct, they will be playing dodge ball. But, that still doesn't make it right.

And, finally, a completely random speculation:

If recently released WWE superstar Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas come to TNA, why not let them do a gimmick "stolen" from MMA? Specifically, let's say that Haas is in the ring and is trying to slap on his Haas of Pain finishing hold. Why not have Shelton "coach" him through it? Not by telling him "how" to do the hold, but by shouting encouragement, advising him on his position in the ring, and encouraging him to have proper form. This would be something that Shelton could do to distinguish himself from the other wrestlers by emphasizing his amateur background as opposed to parading around with a heavy actress and pretending that she is his mother.