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THE FUN HOUSE MIRROR ISSUE 28

Welcome back to the Fun House Mirror, where we look at a reality television show that wants to look like a MMA show but often looks like a bad pro wrestling show, and American wrestling companies who think that they are Mexican wrestling companies. 

Two season finales this week.  One for NXT and one (surprisingly) for Lucha Libre USA. 

If last season is any indication, this weeks season finale of NXT will introduce the season three contestants.  I wonder how many of them will have all of six weeks experience in wrestling?  I wonder how many will have Abercrombie and Fitch catalog modeling in their resumes?  I wonder how many will be former football players with huge physiques and no martial arts/fighting background? 

Let's flip the card deck and find out! 

We start with a season recap, reviewing the winners of each of the "challenges," since it would be passe to actually feature any of the wrestling on the show.  Then they run down the eliminations. 

Then the do a short feature on each of the remaining contestants, Kaval, Michael McGillicutty, and Alex Riley. 

Ashley Valence kicks us off in the ring by calling out the pros.  There are five chairs on the stage and the five pros with eliminated rookies come out. 

Then the pros come down with their rookies.  The pros cut promos on the way to the ring. 

The man who needs no introduction, Matt Striker, joins the pros and the rookies in the ring. 

As is tradition, Matt introduces the five eliminated rookies who sit in the front row of the crowd to symbolize their separation from their dream. 

Harris and Watson both wear ties and O'Neil is in a three piece suit.  Canon is wearing is gimmick T-shirt and Cottonwood thinks it's casual day. 

Matt then announces a triple threat match next.  Last season it was a three way elimination match so apparently they trust Riley's wrestling even less than they trusted David Otunga's wrestling. 

The Miz and Riley then talk smack on the other two contestants and get thrown from the ring for their troubles. 

So, Season Three will be all divas.  Okay, we can forget about them even having six weeks experience in wrestling.  If the WWE stays true to form they will all be from underwear catalogs. 

But, instead of prejudging, why no find out who will be in it? 

Kelly Kelly introduces her rookie, Naomi (Night).  She is a former cheerleader who raps and dances in the ring. 

I feel sorry for anyone who has to watch this match or watch RAW for that matter without the ability to mute the sound since Michael Cole is capable of making anyone's ears bleed. 

Alex Riley wins the match, essentially doing nothing in the match except pushing Kaval off the top rope and pinning McGillicutty. 

Highlights of the match, Michael busts out the fisherman's suplex (as used by his father) and Kaval counters the McGillicutter with the rolling Liger kick. 

Our next season three pro/rookie combination is next:  Alicia Fox introduces Maxine.  She is doing a rich girl gimmick.  She looks a little bit like Lisa Marie Varon only less buff. 

Golddust introduces his rookie, Aksana.  She is from Lithuania and is styled to look like Patricia Stratigias.  She is apparently doing a baby face gimmick. 

Striker then honors some more NXT tradition by asking the eliminated rookies who they think should win. 

Titus goes with the guy trying to relive his high school football days.  Football guys stick together. 

Cottonwood goes with Riley as well, because he is the most likable. 

Canon cuts an angry promo, saying that none of the remaining rookies should win because they are all inferior to him. 

Watson reverses himself from two weeks ago and goes with Michael McGillicutty as opposed to Kaval. 

Harris also goes with Michael, siting his wrestling lineage. 

Time for the elimination and A-Ri is dismissed. 

Alex cuts his usual forgettable promo. 

The Bella Twins introduce their rookie, and it is Jamie Keyes, the fake blond with fake boobs that does some of the ring announcing on NXT.  However, her fake boobs are somewhat honorable since she is very buff and muscular so she wouldn't have much on top otherwise since boobage is mostly fat. 

We then get a feature on the WWE's trip to the Shanghai World Expo. 

Primo Colon introduces his rookie A. J.  She's supposed to be a nerdy character. 

Michael and Kaval then get to cut promos on each other on why the other person shouldn't win. 

Both of them cut pretty good promos. 

Vickie Guerroro excuses herself and then introduces herself and her rookie Aloisia.  She is six foot nine. 

So, none of the rookies have any wrestling experience and most of the pros don't have any wrestling experience.  Are you kidding me?  Is this the female version of bum fighting? 

The final elimination is here. 

And, Kaval is our next breakout star. 

Michael McGillicutty cuts a heelish promo but still doesn't cross the line. 

Before Kaval get going in his promo the five eliminated rookies bum rush the ring and try to NEXUS Kaval. 

Some of the pros come down to help, but then so does Alex and Michael.  The action then breaks down to Michael and Husky working over Kaval and Riley working on Watson for some unknowable reason other than maybe Riley sucks and is so stupid that he forgot what he was supposed to be doing. 

We're left with Husky, Lucky, Michael and Alex in the ring working on Kaval.  They are then joined by Watson and O'Neil as everyone hits finishers on Kaval.  This made little sense since Watson seemed willing to ignore the fact that Riley attacked him. 

We then get our traditional completely unnecessary season recap as opposed to maybe a shot of Kaval being laid out in the ring. 

I guess that since NEXUS has already lost three members (Byran, Young, and Sheffield) that they're in line to be replacement parts. 

But, can they be? 

Lucky Canon: NEXUS already has a sugary baby face gone bad in Justin Gabriel.  Also, Lucky doesn't have a big finishing move that he can use during beatdowns.  And, his finisher is already being used by Tarver. 

Percy Watson: Wow, does this guy not work as a heel, or what?  He's someone who should work Smackdown with Darren Young since Percy has some potential as a baby face worker. 

Alex Riley: If NEXUS brought Riley in it would be as a pretense to beat his pretentious rich kid ass down.  NEXUS is a blue collar organization.  And, Alex already has a niche as The Miz's lap dog. 

Eli Cottonwood: Eli is not buff enough, scary enough or a good worker enough to fit in on NEXUS, or anywhere else. 

Titus O'Neil: Now, here's someone who fits in on RAW and NEXUS.  He can't work, he can't cut a promo, and he has a buff intimidating body. 

Michael McGillicutty: He could actually work in NEXUS since his McGillicutter would be useful in beatdowns, and he could carry some of the wrestling load that Otunga and Tarver can't. 

Husky Harris: Here is someone that NEXUS actually needs, an enforcer type who can wrestle, cut promos, and has two finishers that would be useful in beatdowns (the rock bottom and the fat man's senton).  He could also carry Otunga in a tag team, although it would be cool if they paired Michael and Husky together. 

So, Season two of NXT dies not with a bang but a whimper. 

Will "season one" of Lucha Libre USA fare any better?  Let's hit play on the VCR and find out: 

We start with recaps of the Pequeno Halloween/Rebecca Reyes kidnapping/marriage angle, and a recap of the R. J. Brewer/mystery girl situation. 

Will R. J. lose his train of thought during a promo today? 

Mentallo cuts a promo on Los Vegas, decrying it's moral bankruptcy.  Then to illustrate how much above he is to the degeneracy of Sin City he picks the pocket of a passerby. 

Tonight, the final slot is up for grabs in the singles title tournament as Mascara Purpura takes on R. J. Brewer. 

Also tonight Carlitos (as in Colon) teams with the PR Powers to take on El Oriental, Neutronic and Tinieblas Jr. 

And, information was found on R. J.'s girl friend, apparently named Brooke Carter. 

Mentallo comes out for the first match, hailing from Toronto.  He is to face another new face (or mask if you will) in Azteko, hailing from the Discotecha Mexicana. 

They have a good back and forth match with Mentallo winning with a double stomp off the top turnbuckle.  Earlier in the match Mentallo hit a unique looking move for a near fall, a Northern Lights Suplex into a head stand. 

After the match Lizmark Jr. does a run in just to be a rudo and powerbombs Azteko. 

After the commercial break Lizmark Jr. grabs a microphone and calls out Marco Corleone to finish their differences. 

However, as Marco comes down and gets in the ring he is jumped from behind by Rellik and the Rudo beat down is on.  Supernova comes down and makes the save for Marco. 

We then get a late night TV "commercial" introducing Brooke as a Texas Oil family girl. 

R. J. Brewer with Brooke Carter versus Mascara Purpura is next. 

This is a hard fought match with Brooke interfering every chance she gets.  R. J. steels a win here by sitting down on a sunset flip and using his girl friend for extra leverage to get the pin fall. 

So, the semi-finals will be Brewer versus Corleone and Malice versus Lizmark Jr. 

Rebecca interviews Carlitos in the back.  Carlitos is rocking a shorter hair cut these days.  Carlitos informs Rebecca that he's not into married girls. 

We then get a back stage scene where Mascarita Dorada tries to console Rebecca and gets a beat down from Pequeno Halloween for his troubles. 

A fan video for the PR powers is next and I can only hope that Michael Cole is forced to listen to a loop of this video since the kid who made the video has a more ear bleeding voice than Cole has. 

It's Trios time and the rudo team will be captained by Tinieblas Jr. and Carlitos will captain the technico team. 

Neutronic takes the first pinfall off of PR Flyer after a flying head butt. 

However the decisive pinfall of the captain is achieved when Carlitos sets up Tinieblas Jr. with a back stabber so that San Juan Kid can hit the 450 splash for the the win. 

Your usual cool mix of spot heavy wrestling and angles. 

And, then there is the pod cast-a-go-go which is NOT doing a season finale.  Instead we get more action from the night two of the King of Trio tournament. 

In the first match Team F.I.S.T. (Friends In Similar Tights) (Gran Akuma, Icarus, Chuck Taylor) takes on team Osaka Pro (Atsushi Kotoge, Daisuke Harada, Tadasuke). 

One note on this match, Gran Akuma and Icarus from Team F.I.S.T. had continuously been together for some seven years at this point (Akuma was fired from F.I.S.T at Chikarasoris Rex a month later) which, not counting Kaval, is at least three times to total combined experience of the NXT season two Rookies. 

Team Osaka Pro, not unlike Team Big Japan, didn't ride an airplane for twelve hours so they could deliver a mediocre match.  In fact, in the four minute clip that they show on the podcast, Team Osaka Pro and F.I.S.T. combine for more astonishing wrestling moves, throws, and strikes than have been seen on WWE TV in the last 15 years.  And, none of it looked choreographed.  This can partially be explained by the fact that Atsushi Kotoge and Daisuke Harada, Blood and Guts are the current Osaka Pro tag champs and are both faster than speeding bullet and used to delivering realistic double team offense. 

This is four minutes of wrasslin' that you have to see to believe. 

We then go from the sublime to the ridiculous as the BDK A team of Claudio Castagnoli, Ares, and Tursas take on Team Perros del Mal of Alebrije, Cuije, El Oriental (who competes with himself this week being on two different shows.) 

Fortunately for Team BDK they get the match up that they want, the 70 pound Cuije against the 370 pound Turus.  This turns out to be a few two many weight classes for Cuije to move up to and he winds up the victim of a big splash. 

So, this week, on the strength of the four minute clip of Team F.I.S.T versus Team Osaka Pro, Chikara's podcast wins running away. 

As for next week, I don't know.  I will try to watch WWE's version of female bum fighting, but if I can't take it then this column will go on hiatus. 

But, if this column does go on hiatus, you can still watch "real" wrasslin on the podcast-a-go-go each week on youtube, wrestling not booked by someone whose first name is Vince.