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Coming on the heels of UFN Live, Austin’s most exciting night of fights since Roger Huerta was in town, TUF gets under way with a quick introduction of our coaches. A voiceover announcer refers to Josh Koscheck as season 1’s "ultimate bad boy"; moments later, opposing coach Georges St-Pierre calls Koscheck "the perfect bad boy." Maybe Dana ought to loan GSP that thesaurus. Dana lets us know that season 12 will feature lightweights, which he says is pretty much a guarantee that we won’t have any boring fights. Yeah, OK.
As has become tradition, the 28 fighters selected to compete for a bed in the TUF house walk into the UFC training center all googly-eyed. Actually, a couple of them really do have googly eyes, as Pablo Garza and Nam Phan suggest that this will be the show’s most visually impaired cast yet. Dana addresses the fighters by introducing their coaches, forcing Koscheck to stand there while he refers to GSP as the greatest welterweight in the world, then calls Koscheck one-dimensional during his time on season 1. As cameras pan the fighters, we see green hair, red hair, a guy with an afro pick – are we sure this isn’t just recycled footage from last season?
Mere moments into the show, we’re already ready for the fights to start. A montage of fighters preparing in their locker rooms is set to generic UFC-type music, with the sounds of appendages striking the pads actually being synched to the beat of the music. As I consider how much time someone must have spent on this, I’m distracted by the site of an MVP lookalike warming up in a yellow Power Rangers outfit. Not sure who this guy is, but if he enters the gym through an inflatable gateway, we’re gonna be ballin’.
Our first fighter, Marc Stevens, tells us that he wrestled at the University of Buffalo when Koscheck was an assistant coach; Koscheck, meanwhile, tells Dana only that Marc is from New York, and doesn’t really seem to remember him. Marc is confident going into the fight, but pulls a Yogi Berra by letting us know that "it’s either going to be me or him, and it’s going to be me." Um, what? His opponent is TJ O’Brien, a lanky lightweight whose name sounds like it could actually be TJO Brien. Though he seems well suited to be dubbed "The Alphabet," O’Brien tells us instead that his nickname is "The Spider." Great: it’s not like that’s ever been done in the UFC.
Upon learning that our fight clock has been sponsored by Tapout, we are ready for action. Just seconds into the fight, Marc knocks TJ out cold, and the house has its first new tenant. Afterward, Stevens walks to the fence near the coaches’ area and asks Koscheck, "Remember me now?" Dana, who as usual is sitting between the coaches, laughs like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Just like last season’s curtain-jerking victory by Jamie Yager, season 12 has started with a quick and dominant KO.
In our next fight, Spencer Paige – another New Yorker – will take on Steve Magdaleno, who pretty much seals his own fate by telling us how great he is at all aspects of the game. Spencer is hoping for a 10-second KO victory; Steve, on the other hand, wants a submission win, which does nothing to explain why he throws a head kick almost immediately. The first round features a ton of exciting, fast-paced, back-and-forth action…as well as exactly four unnecessary closeups of Dana sitting cageside. Hey, at least it’s an improvement over the screen-in-screen feature they were using a few seasons ago.
In between rounds, Spencer’s corner tells him to stay on his feet, and sure enough, he starts connecting with big shots as soon as round 2 begins. Steve manages to get the fight to the ground, though, and controls from the top until Spencer gets to his feet. Still clinched, Steve pulls guard, which Dana and Koscheck both repeatedly call "stupid." Spencer manages to walk away with a decision win, and another guy is moving into the house.
Like Steve, Nam Phan is from the Los Angeles area, and says that martial arts has been a tradition in his family for many generations. His opponent is Mike Budnik, a 35-year-old former pro skateboarder who competed in the X Games 10 times – which, in Roman numerals, would make him an X-time X Gamer. Mike predicts a first-round TKO victory, a strange prediction considering the only thing he wants to talk about is his eight years of Brazilian jiu-jitsu training.
Mike comes out of the gate already looking tired and lackadaisical, but surprisingly gets a fast takedown, even though Nam gets back up and out pretty quickly. Mike’s standup technique is horrible, as he seems to have no idea where to hold his hands, and other than leg kicks appears to have no striking. A botched judo throw is followed by a successful (but plodding) double shot, but again Nam gets back to his feet, then moves in and sends Mike to the mat with a liver punch. Nam swarms on him with some decent-looking ground and pound until the referee steps in.
At this point we go to highlights from other elimination fights, including Andy Main tapping out Jason Brenton with a triangle/armbar. Jonathan Brookins beats Ran Weathers via what Junie Browning would call "boring-ass wrestling"; Sako Chivitchian, meanwhile, defeats Toby Grear via decision, then tells us how great it feels to win while some morbidly humorous editor intersperses these optimistic sound bites with clips of him chivitching in the parking lot.
Daniel Head (oh, the nickname possibilities) takes on Jeffrey Lentz in our next chopped-for-time bout, which begins with GSP drawing an "x" through Jeffrey’s picture, having already determined that Daniel will come out, um, ahead. Of course, this totally predictable swerve leads to Jeffrey winning by rear naked choke in round 2, after having spent the first 5 minutes pummeling his opponent. Afterward, as he reflects on the fight, Koscheck says that Jeffrey landed blows "on Daniel Head’s head," then acts like he didn’t realize he’d said it and laughs. Jeez, and Koscheck says GSP is a phony?
Paul Barrow (not Paul Bearer, unfortunately) is our next fighter, wasting little time in explaining to us that his nickname is "Wheel." You know, like "wheelbarrow"? Get it? Actually, forget what I said about him wasting little time – the story wasted a lot of time, since I think the last time anyone thought that joke was funny was when the wheel was invented. Paul’s opponent is Alex Caceres, a fellow Floridian whom we saw earlier wearing that yellow MVP-style onesie. As Alex approaches the cage, Koscheck tells Dana that "he came out looking like a banana," apparently completely oblivious to what his own yellow hair and shirt make him look like. Alex says that martial arts has played a huge role in his life, having taught him discipline and "cooled down my hot-headed temperature." Based on that head-scratcher, martial arts may have cooled his hot head a little too much.
As the fight is about to start, Dana refers to Alex as "Bruce Leroy," the karate-loving African-American from the 1980s movie "The Last Dragon," which seems to catch Alex off guard. As the action gets started, Paul actually looks very smooth, but before long Alex has taken his back and taps him with a sloppy-looking rear naked choke. Afterward, Dana insensitively refers to Alex as "my boy," then announces for a second time, "I love this kid." Summing up the fight, Dana forces the nickname "Bruce Leroy" twice into a 15-second soundbite, making sure we hear how witty he is. Perhaps realizing who might be signing his checks one day, Alex seems to decide it might just be better to go with it, and tells the referee after the fight that his name is in fact Bruce Leroy.
The Pablo Garza-Michael Johnson bout is shown next in pared-down form, with closeups of Dana getting almost as much time as footage of the fight itself. Dana again impresses everyone with his quick wit, referring to Johnson as "Michael Tyson" because of his killer instinct. Afterward, Dana tells us Michael is the kind of fighter who goes in to finish, a soundbite that is immediately followed by footage of Michael being declared the winner…by decision.
Other fights include the UK’s Aaron Wilkinson defeating Michael Richman by decision; Sevak Magakian beating JJ Ambrose; and Kyle Watson choking out Joseph Duffy. Afterward, Kyle tells us how excited he is to move into the house and "start some shenanigans." Gee, can’t wait to see how that turns out. Hope he does something new and original, like throw patio furniture into the pool.
Next up is Cody McKenzie, who we learn moonlights as a commercial fisherman in Alaska. His opponent is Amir Khillah, an Egyptian-born fighter who just might take from Andre Winner the title of Coolest Name Ever on TUF. Cody lets us in on a small secret, claiming to be in possession of a "little trick," but refuses to disclose it. Unless he can make himself invisible inside the octagon, I doubt it will be anywhere near as impressive as he seems to think. He then suggests the fight "could end fast." Funny, I’ve already started thinking that may be the case with his UFC career.
Within seconds of the fight starting, GSP tells Dana that Cody will win by guillotine. Wait, isn’t this the same guy who was declaring Jeffrey Lentz a loser before he could even fight? Sure enough, though, Cody locks up a two-armed guillotine and puts Amir to sleep. Hey, we’ve got a psychic in our midst! Maybe GSP should change his name to ESP. Not so fast, though – afterward, the coach admits he’d already heard of Cody and his signature submission, which he calls the McKenzietine. Hmmm, doesn’t quite have the flow of "Swickotine," does it?
We’re now set for our final bout of the evening, which features Native American Dane Sayers taking on Costa Rica’s Ariel Sexton. While Dane hopes to represent all American Indians, Ariel’s plan is to go in there, have fun and "do a little shuffleboard." You mean, the game that your great-grandparents play in the retirement home? Wow, sounds intimidating.
As the fight is about to start, Dane makes a big production out of not wanting to touch gloves, even asking the referee if it’s OK. Too bad he wasn’t around to fight for Team Rampage a couple of seasons ago. Immediately, as if he was Brock Lesnar fighting Heath Herring, Dane charges out of the gate with a flying knee that not only misses, but also pretty much summarizes a sloppy first round that surprisingly ends without someone getting knocked out.
Dane wants to touch gloves at start of round 2, which for a while is as close as he gets to making contact with his opponent. Dane throws a series of horrible punches that miss badly, recalling Forrest Griffin trying in vain to hit Anderson Silva. He might not be able to land them, but Dane proves he can eat a punch, taking more shots than Chris Leben before somehow securing a guillotine and getting Ariel to tap. Hope you enjoy that win, Dane, because I have a feeling that when the competition starts, you and Nam are going to be making a pretty early exit.
After assembling the winners, Dana addresses them briefly, then sends them off to the house. Cody is excited, although he wishes there would be girls in the house. Somewhere, Jeremy Jackson is yelling at his TV, "Be careful what you wish for!!"
Random thoughts:
The best job that Spike could do to promote tonight’s debut was that cheesy promo toward the end of UFN Live?
Why is it that TUF has been a big part of Spike TV’s success, yet can’t get a better timeslot than 10-11 p.m.?
How come the episode’s opening segment went over Koscheck’s TUF history, yet failed to mention GSP’s coaching gigs on seasons 4 and 6?
Anyone else think Pablo Garza looked like season 2’s Luke Cummo with those eyeglasses on?
Did Dana really only drop three F-bombs during his pep talk to the fighters?
Was anyone else distracted by what looked like a huge stain on Dana’s T-shirt, only to discover later that it was actually just a picture of Bruce Lee?
Could Koscheck have looked any less bad-ass in his yellow sleeveless T-shirt?
Did you notice that the tattoo Marc Stevens has on his shoulder is the same design worn by Efrain Escudero during UFN Live?
Had he won a UFC contract, would TJ "The Spider" O’Brien been sued for gimmick infringement by Anderson Silva and/or Kendall Grove?
What was up with Marc and TJ both having a bunch of weird designs shaved into their heads?
Did the guys at Tapout want a refund for sponsoring the fight clock for the Marc-TJ bout, which went all of 13 seconds?
What was Spencer talking about when he described his win as a stepping stone, then said "one down, two to go?
Doesn’t he realize he’ll need to fight three more times to make it into the finals?
Why did Dana and Koscheck both think it was "stupid" for Steve to pull guard, considering he had been getting tagged on his feet by Spencer?
Were Nam (16-7) and Mike (8-4) fighting for the title of Most Mediocre Record?
Was it "opposite day" in Las Vegas when, after their bout, GSP said that "Nam Phan showed a great display of striking?"
What was the point of showing Sako throwing up after his bout?
Was Alex trying to look like Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill" with that outfit?
Did anyone else think Dana was a little on the overzealous side in his adoration for Alex?
Seriously, the referee in the Steve-Alex bout didn’t even know the fighters’ names?
And how come sometimes Dana announces the winner, but at other times it’s the referee?
Is British fighter Aaron Wilkinson going for the Sheamus look?
Given his pigmentation (or lack thereof), isn’t a place like Las Vegas the last place he should go to live for six weeks?
Anyone else think Cody looks a little like Joe Henle from last season?
Considering the referee didn’t even seem to be checking on Amir, wasn’t it nice of Cody to release his guillotine when he knew he’d won?
Did Dane pattern his hair’s style and coloring after Tatanka?
I’m sure he didn’t mean anything racial by it, but couldn’t Dana have found something else to call a Native American besides "Mohawk kid"?
Like, I don’t know, maybe his actual name?
Even though the lack of cardio in the night’s final fight was pretty pathetic, wasn’t it kind of nice to see that, for once, everyone else seems to have shown up in shape?
Could Dana and Koscheck been on camera any more?
And, could GSP have looked any less interested in this whole thing?
When they showed the preview for the rest of the season, am I the only one who was hoping to see footage of a fight at the house?
And am I the only one who can’t wait to see what happens when Koscheck starts a fight with what appears to be one of GSP’s assistants?
Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.
