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Speaking of casts, tonight we officially meet the one for season 11, as the winners of last week’s elimination fights move into the TUF house…which is new this season, to include a dying pine tree in the yard. Yeah, because that’s the perfect tree to plant in the middle of the desert. As the guys walk in and start heading upstairs to claim a room, several get sidetracked when they notice that the house is equipped with a bar. Considering it’s the middle of the day, this isn’t a promising sign. Already, Jeffrey Lentz has been pegged as this season’s Chris Leben – right down to the dyed-red hair – hitting the bottle and smoking cigarettes. But Jeffrey doesn’t mind, and says it’s OK if the other guys think he’s got no gas in the tank. Although given this show’s history, showing up with cardio might actually make someone the exception, not the rule.
This show is a competition, of course, so Alex Caceres has stepped up to claim a bit of the spotlight for himself, wowing his new housemates with far-fetched stories about alleged hand-to-hand combat with alligators and deer. Glad to see that, while Marlon Sims didn’t make it through season 5, his legacy lives on. While most of the guys find humor with Alex, Jeffrey says only that he feels sorry for his mother. Looks like someone’s jealous.
The fighters are ready to return to the gym for team selections, and have already begun speculating on who will be picked by which coaches. Never mind the fact that no one has any clue what the coaches’ criteria are. Coach Josh Koscheck tells us that he and his assistants have already ranked the fighters 1-14 and will choose accordingly. Opposing coach Georges St-Pierre, on the other hand, seems to be devising his strategy in the locker room. He has decided to go the psychological-warfare route by anticipating Koscheck will choose Marc Stevens first, since Marc previously wrestled under Koscheck in college, and pretends that he wants Marc first. This roundabout plan comes complete with Marc’s name written in huge letters at the top of his list, which he "accidentally" makes visible to Koscheck prior to the start of selections. Right about now I’m having flashbacks to Wile E. Coyote directing the Roadrunner to a pile of tainted birdseed with a huge sign that says "free birdseed." Which, when you think about how bird-brained this whole thing is, actually seems fitting.
Koscheck wins the coin toss, and elects to take the bait by selecting Marc. GSP immediately chooses Michael, then celebrates this small victory by doing an obnoxious raise-the-roof dance that will soon be appearing as a GIF on a message board near you. The selections continue, with GSP being a gentleman and preceding every selection – even last pick Dane Sayers – with "I pick," the way Randy Couture did in season 1 to make everyone feel that they were specifically being chosen. UFC president Dana White even walks over and lets him know that being picked last means nothing. You know, kind of like his fight predictions.
Team GSP meets for its first workout, and the coach lets us know that he does not see himself as a coach. I’ve heard this somewhere before – did someone dress up Quinton "Rampage" Jackson in a GSP costume or something? Instead, GSP will allow his assistants to do the coaching, while he serves more as a training partner. Those coaches include GSP’s own coach, Greg Jackson, whom he identifies as "the guy who makes the music play" by miming a symphony conductor. There’s GIF number 2. We also meet John Danaher, whom GSP describes as the smartest person he knows. He’s also possibly the most folically challenged person GSP knows. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re on a reality show that includes Josh Koscheck, and you have the worst hair of anyone.
Team Koscheck is ready for its turn to train, and its coach believes he has the edge over GSP because "I’ve been here." Apparently no one told him that GSP has also been here – twice – as an assistant coach during seasons 4 and 6. Koscheck tells us that he believes in what he calls "mindless training," which should be perfect for what will likely be a season of mindless coaching. To that end, we meet his support staff, including Bob Cook, Teddy Lucio and Daniel Cormier. Koscheck says he and his assistants are competing not just with Team GSP, but also public opinion, since he has already been unfairly labeled as a heel. But, he adds, anyone who actually gets to know him "will fall in love with me, guaranteed."
Now that both teams have worked out, it’s time to announce the season’s first fight. I mean, if you don’t count the 14 bouts we saw last week. GSP has chosen Alex to fight Jeffrey, proving that introducing us to the two "characters" earlier in the episode was no accident. Alex tells us he requested the fight, which surprises Dana because he thinks GSP should not allow so much democracy on his team. Not quite as surprising: Dana’s admission that he is a control freak. Koscheck is excited about the matchup, since Jeffrey has great standup and crazy "ground-and-pround." And so begins the mindless coaching.
We go back to the house, where an unimpressed Jeffrey watches Alex sparring in the backyard. Alex says he was introduced to martial arts by his father showing him Bruce Lee’s "Enter The Dragon," and started training when he was 14. GSP explains how Alex requested the fight, and says he told Alex that "if you have the motivation to fight this guy, that means you’re motivated." Looks like Koscheck doesn’t own a monopoly over that whole mindless coaching thing.
Jeffrey, meanwhile, is a New Jersey native who likes to finish fights "early but viciously." As if the two are mutually exclusive. Jeffrey tells a trainer that, while watching Alex’s backyard sparring, he saw Alex’s tendency to tap his foot prior to engaging. Koscheck thinks the revelation could be the key to catching Alex and knocking him out.
As Alex walks around the house in a formal gi, which he says made him look so badass in his younger days that he was able to avoid fights, Jeffrey walks around the backyard, puffing on a cancer stick and working off his anxiety. He criticizes Alex’s gi, as well as last week’s yellow jumpsuit, saying they are part of a gimmick that will mean nothing when he’s unconscious in the cage. He then adds that he is "intimidated by no one, sir." Which is a pretty formal way to address someone…someone, say, who has intimidated you.
It’s Fight Day, and while Alex is committed to staying calm, Jeffrey sprints to the cage as if he was the Ultimate Warrior. The tale of the tape shows that Jeffrey has one more pro fight than Alex, but as Mike Goldberg would say, everything else is virtually identical. The action begins with Alex immediately taking the center of the cage, then somehow dropping Jeffrey with an inside leg kick. He then throws several other kicks before Jeffrey charges him and pushes him into the fence, where they remain for about 2 minutes. At one point, Alex is able to grab a guillotine but loses it, allowing Jeffrey to take him down and move into half guard. Both men get back to their feet, though, and exchange a series of kicks before Jeffrey cracks him with several punches, then scores an impressive throw as the round ends.
The second period begins with Jeffrey aggressively throwing kicks, then attempting a takedown that ends up getting reversed. Jeffrey pulls a switch with relative ease, though, and takes top position. Lazily working in Alex’s guard, Jeffrey allows Alex to throw his legs up into a triangle, and shortly thereafter is forced to tap.
Afterward, GSP says he was aware that Alex had a good triangle choke, and was not surprised by the outcome. Jeffrey regrets the loss, apologizing to his friends and family back home but promising to come back stronger. For now, Alex moves on to the quarterfinals, and Jeffrey is done. At least training will no longer have to get in the way of his drinking and smoking.
Random thoughts:
Was anyone else on the verge of a seizure after watching the ridiculous quick-cut editing of the opening credits?
Why were some of the fighters so shocked to see a bar in the house? Haven’t they seen this show before?
And if they have, shouldn’t the bar be the last place they want to hang out?
Between Jeffrey’s drinking and Alex’s harmonica-playing, didn’t you know within just the first few minutes of this week’s episode that you’re glad you didn’t have to spend six weeks living in that house?
When Marc Stevens said he hoped to be picked by Koscheck and said the selection would "definitely benefit him the most," what did he mean?
Was Koscheck channeling Joe Rogan when he referred to Michael Johnson, an African-American fighter, as "athletic"?
When they showed Koscheck’s hand-written selection list, did anyone else wonder if a female wrote it for him, or if his own handwriting is really that girly?
Why was GSP so sure Koscheck would pick Marc first, considering that he acted last week like he didn’t even remember having ever coached Marc?
Why did Koscheck act surprised that he’d be able to pick either the first fighter or the first matchup, considering this is the way it’s worked since season 3?
Did GSP even consider that his elaborate plan to deceive Koscheck would have been a huge waste of time if he’d won the coin toss?
If Dane had been picked by Koscheck, would he have kept the red streak in his hair, considering it is Team GSP’s color?
How weird was it to hear GSP’s "Full Metal Jacket" impression?
When GSP called assistant coach John Danaher an "encyclopedia of knowledge," didn’t he realize he was being redundant?
If GSP really believed that the show is not about his own personal victory, why did he bother trying to deceive Koscheck during team selections?
During the fight announcement, how funny did Alex look with both sunglasses and a pick sticking out of his hair?
And once you saw his lazy eye, didn’t you kind of wish he was wearing the shades over his face instead of in his hair?
Will Dwayne Johnson sue Jeffrey for gimmick infringement after he said he didn’t want to lose in front of the millions and millions of fans?
How much did Jeffrey remind you of the Ultimate Warrior when sprinting to the cage, right down to his drum-heavy entrance music?
How obvious was it that Dana’s pre-fight instructions were taped in advance?
Why was GSP pronouncing guillotine, "gill-o-teen"?
Considering it’s a French word, wouldn’t he be the last person you’d expect to say it wrong?
Between Dana, Alex and referee Herb Dean all saying it repeatedly, did you know that Alex’s nickname is Bruce Leroy?
Mark Carpowich can be contacted at markcarpowich@hotmail.com.
