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We begin tonight’s episode at the TUF house, where Michael falls victim to a prank in the kitchen. Moments after Sevak Magakian rigs a nozzle in the kitchen sink to shoot water outward, Michael gets sprayed, prompting him to immediately blame Alex, claiming he witnessed Alex do it. Oh man, Alex is annoying, and he caused Michael’s shirt to get wet? Wow, could this rivalry possibly get any more intense?

 

Patience is a virtue, of course, so before the Michael-Alex blowoff, first we must sit through the undercard-quality quarterfinal bout between Kyle Watkins and wildcard winner Aaron Wilkinson. As we watch Kyle train with coach Georges St-Pierre, we learn that Kyle’s strategy for the fight will be to take Aaron down from the clinch and pound him out. Aaron, meanwhile, says that he hopes to keep the fight standing, and thinks he can stuff any takedown attempts by Kyle. Coach Josh Koscheck acknowledges Aaron is weak on the ground, “as we seen in his previous fights.” You know, kind of like how grammar isn’t Koscheck’s best friend, as we seen in previous episodes.

 

It’s fight day, and Kyle is promising to send Aaron back to the U.K., where he will be able to “eat all the fish and chips you want.” Aaron accepts that he is the underdog, but is confident that he will pull off the upset.

 

We’re set to begin, as referee Steve Mazzagatti gets us started. Kyle takes Aaron down fairly easily after a couple of missed kicks, then moves promptly into half guard…where he stays. After a couple minutes of being blanketed, Aaron scrambles out but gets taken down again, and this time gets mounted. Kyle doesn’t bother posturing up, though, and appears to not even know what to do. Finally he takes Aaron’s back and locks up a body triangle, trying to secure a rear naked choke. Aaron resists the choke by tucking his chin, but Kyle finally sinks it in and gets the tap. Afterward, Koscheck seems stunned that his team has lost yet another fight by rear naked choke. Kyle is excited about his victory, saying he suffered no damage in the fight and is ready for the next round. Aaron, on the other hand, calls his own performance “a joke.” Or did he say “a choke”….

 

Almost immediately after the bout ends, we move to discussing our next fight, as UFC president Dana White previews the Alex-Michael matchup. Dana praises several aspects of Alex’s game, then casually throws in “great afro” among the compliments. He then does his best Foghorn Leghorn imitation, saying that “I don’t, I don’t know, I don’t know where, uh, where, what, what everybody’s beef with Bruce Leroy is.” Did Dana get some public-speaking pointers from Mike Tyson when he dropped by earlier in the season?

 

Because tonight’s final contest will feature two members of Team GSP, we follow the team into the gym, where their coach introduces them to tonight’s guest coach, legendary boxing instructor Freddie Roach. GSP tells us about how excited his team was to have the opportunity to both meet and work out with Roach, then says they were so excited that “they were shaking.” Jeez, and people thought Antonio Margarito’s camp was cruel in mocking Roach’s symptoms of Parkinson’s Syndrome last week. We then watch tape of him working with semifinalist Jonathan Brookins, who sums up the privilege of being coached by Roach by saying that, “when you hear it from the product’s mouth, it don’t get no realer than that.” Maybe this should be the UFC’s new slogan – after all, who needs the more grammatically correct “as real as it gets”? We then see Roach coaching both Michael and Alex, the latter of whom says, “I have to admit, the guy knows his sh*t.” It took working out with him for Alex to figure that out?

 

Alex lets us know that he’s ready for tonight’s bout, saying that Michael made a mistake by selecting him as an opponent “just out of emotional reasons.” Um, didn’t Alex also request to fight Michael? Alex continues this season’s tradition of WWE-esque promos, constantly referring to his opponent by both his first and last name. Michael says his game plan for the fight is to take Alex down, beat him up a little bit, then let him back up, only to take him down again. Michael says this tactic usually frustrates his opponents, and believes that Alex will be no exception.

 

It’s time for the guys to weigh in, which of course means it’s also time for Koscheck to make an ass of himself. This week, he tells Michael, “you’re the black version of Georges,” which I guess is supposed to be an insult. Wow, comparing a guy to the world champion? Koscheck’s put-downs are sure merciless. Koscheck then starts speaking up for Alex, saying GSP is sacrificing “little Alex” to help Michael to advance to the semifinals. After both fighters make weight and get into faceoff mode, Koscheck says he’s ready for “a little black-on-black crime”; without skipping a beat, Michael responds by saying, “He’s not black.” If Michael’s timing in the cage is anything like his timing as a comedian, Alex is in trouble. Koscheck then tries to stir the pot further by saying that “it was part of Georges’ strategy to get you two to fight each other,” as if GSP had been trying to keep it a secret. Plus, considering both guys requested the fight, why would that matter anyway? As viewers are left scratching their heads over Koscheck’s accusations, Michael and Alex break kayfabe by shaking hands after they face off. Wow, that’s some grudge!

 

It’s fight day, and we see that Jeffrey Lentz has agreed to corner Alex, despite being on the opposite team. Jeffrey says that, even though Alex beat him earlier in the season, he agreed to help because apparently no one else would. Big deal – a few seasons ago, half of the Team U.K. fighters had to corner themselves when coach Michael Bisping kept sleeping through his alarm and missing fights. Michael, meanwhile, has Kyle in his corner. Great, I can already hear the instructions: “Lay on him! Don’t let him up! Don’t hit him, just lay there!”

 

Alex prepares in the Team Koscheck locker room, where color-scheme wise, his yellow-and-black jumpsuit fits right in. Michael says Alex doesn’t belong on the show, and vows to knock the smile off of Alex’s face. Alex believes Michael is underestimating him, and says he has what it takes to finish Michael and advance to the semifinals

 

The fight starts with both guys throwing a couple of exploratory strikes, until Michael sweeps in with a right-left combo, then picks Alex off the ground and slams him. He tries to pass guard – looks like someone’s not listening to his corner – but Alex kicks him off and gets back to his feet. Michael cracks Alex with a left hand, which causes his mouthpiece to go flying. Hey, he really did kind of knock the smile off his face! Michael then picks him for another big takedown, prompting Jeffrey to respond out of Alex’s corner with a Tito Ortiz-inspired “up-up-up-up-up-up-up.” Alex does indeed get free, unloading on Michael with a flurry of punches as they separate, though none appear to have landed. The remainder of the round is a standup battle, with Michael probably getting the better of the striking…that is, if you don’t count the inadvertent low blow Alex landed at the end of the round.

 

The first 30 seconds of round 2 see Michael land several punches and elbows, finishing with yet another slam for a takedown. Michael moves pretty much immediately into half guard, but Alex does a good job of moving on the bottom and avoiding damage. Eventually, Michael lands several hard, clean shots, but Alex is able to scoot free. Both guys land several good shots before Alex misses what appears to be a takedown attempt, allowing Michael to take his back; he winds up too high, though, and slips over the top, allowing Alex to take top position. Michael quickly gets back up, though, and earns another takedown. Alex really looks tired, and there’s pretty much no way he can finish now, even with good position. He somehow musters the energy for an escape, but Michael seals it with one last takedown. The horn sounds, and Michael takes a decision victory.

 

Afterward, GSP calls it “a beautiful fight,” which for anyone not familiar with the sport would probably sound like an oxymoron. Koscheck, however, has to play the heel, saying “that fight sucked, and it’s because of (GSP).” At this point, the Koscheck-GSP feud is coming across not only as one-sided, but also totally forced and insincere. Really, we’re supposed to believe a veteran like Koscheck seriously believes a fight sucked not because of the athletes involved, but because of the guy who put together the matchup? I can’t wait for the next boring UFC bout, when Joe Rogan says afterward, “That fight sucked, and it’s because of Joe Silva.” Michael believes the beef has been squashed, saying that Alex has earned his respect. Good – I was worried that their uncontrollable hatred was going to go unresolved.

 

Four fighters are now left in contention for the show’s prize, and we now join the coaches in Dana’s office for the semifinal selections. Right off the bat, both coaches agree on a Michael-Nam bout, meaning this segment is done. For the episode’s final scene, the coaches walk into the gym together in a totally choreographed move. I’d be willing to bet the show’s producers filmed this more than once, too. For months, we’ve been led to believe that these guys can’t wait to get their hands on each other…so naturally, GSP is preoccupied with the threat of Koscheck pulling down his pants. Once everyone has assembled, Dana announces what viewers at home already know: In the semifinals, Jonathan will fight Kyle, and Nam will fight Michael, the latter of whom face off by smiling, laughing, playfully wrestling and then hugging. Man, this show really knows how to build a rivalry.

 

Random questions:

 

If Michael supposedly saw Alex rigging the nozzle in the sink, why did he immediately ask who was responsible?

 

Why did we see Michael about to turn on the water in the sink, but somehow saw no footage of the actual spraying?

 

During the prefight instructions, did you notice that Dana’s hairline comes to a point, like Eddie Munster?

 

Why does Steve Mazzagatti officiate fights on TUF, but seemingly never on UFC pay-per-view events?

 

How confident must the team GSP fighters be, knowing they’ve been trained by not only GSP, but also coaches like Freddie Roach?

 

Does Roach buy his eyeglasses from the same store as last season’s Team Liddell assistant coach John Hackleman?

 

Why did we see footage of Roach working with all of Team GSP’s remaining fighters except Kyle Watson, who was probably most in need of boxing instruction?

 

I enjoyed seeing the ad for the UFC online store, but seriously, are there people out there who are spending good money on Team Koscheck jerseys?

 

Did Koscheck really think GSP was sacrificing Alex, when the guy had already won two fights this season and was obviously no pushover?

 

How come, after being present for almost every weigh-in this season, Brad “Male Nurse” Tate is suddenly nowhere to be seen anymore?

 

When he lost his mouthpiece during the fight, how funny was it to hear Alex say to Michael, “Get it”?

 

I mean, did he really expect that Michael was going to pick it up for him?

 

Why was Michael so reluctant to let Alex get up after his takedowns, considering that, before the bout, he specifically said that was his plan?

 

After he had been dealt a fairly lopsided defeat, why did Alex still go through his whole Bruce Lee motions in the cage, not looking at all disappointed by the loss?

 

Why was Dana so surprised that GSP and Koscheck agreed so quickly on the semifinals, when there were only three possible matchups they could have made anyway?

 

How lame and scripted was the Koscheck-GSP entrance at the end?

 

And why do they bother trying to sell us on a feud between these guys when they seem to get along pretty well?

 

Did you notice, during the lineup at the end of the show, that Alex was the only member of Team GSP not wearing red?

 

Considering he has nothing to lose if he turns out wrong, what risk was there in Koscheck guaranteeing a win for Nam next week?

 

Could Koscheck’s episode-ending promo – complete with calling GSP by name three times, then winking and blowing a kiss – come across as any more insincere and forced?

 

During next week’s preview, wasn’t the description of Kyle as Jonathan’s “fellow teammate” kind of redundant?

 

And, since they didn’t tease it for next week, are we ever going to see the backyard fight between Jeffrey and Spencer that was shown in the season preview (the one that aired at the end of the premiere episode)?

 

Did you catch the end of the show, where it said that, in lieu of a new episode next week, the final two shows will air back-to-back in two weeks?