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By Randall Brown on 7/21/2012 6:10 PM

If I didn’t watch wrestling…
Much has been said about wrestling companies wanting to reach a bigger audience. The problem with that is they don’t seem to understand that to get a bigger audience, their product should be interesting to people who don’t normally watch it so they want to watch again. Bearing that in mind, I wonder what people who have never watched wrestling would think about this week’s shows. It might go something like this…

Monday Night Raw
Why is the announcer telling me to go to Youtube “right now” to watch the very first RAW, rather than wanting me to watch the RAW that’s on TV right now?
I’ve never heard of this “Tout” bullcrap before, but I can already tell you I hate it. Not only is it the focal point of this show, but on principal alone, I am generally against anything that enables the masses of babbling mouth-breathers to share their opinions as though they’re important or original.
Is the guy from “The Real World” going for the porno director look with his trench coat and slicked-back hair?
So when these two got engaged, the very first thing they did was immediately agree to get married on next week’s show (because who wouldn’t want to get married in a wrestling ring?) and then Tweet an invitation to everyone, all within the time it took for one commercial break?
What’s this company’s obsession with dancing fat guys that they needed two of them on the same show doing essentially the exact same thing? Kind of makes the second one look like a lame ripoff.
Wow, thirty-five minutes after the proposal, and they already have their wedding invitations done! Somebody’s working fast.
Since next week is the 1000th RAW (that they remind us about every two minutes) that would be a great time to get new theme music. Because the only thing I hate more than Nickelback is the same crappy Nickelback song played repeatedly all night long while the screen flashes all these masturbatory self-congratulating statements about how RAW is the “longest running weekly episodic TV show in history.” Seriously, enough already. We get it.
Even though that “longest running weekly episodic TV show” definition is very fuzzy as “longest running” implies that it has been on the air longer, which is blatantly false, as other shows have been on the air longer (such as The Simpsons). And if they’re going by number of episodes, it’s just as misleading, as they don’t want to compare themselves to shows that run multiple times per week (such as soap operas), but are more than happy to compare themselves to TV shows with entirely different formats that run according to a normal TV production schedule that are seasonal and don’t produce new episodes 52 weeks per year. Seriously, a TV shows that makes 52 episodes per year bragging about having more episodes than a show that has 20 episodes per year is ridiculous and just comes off as trying to make yourself sound more important than you really are. A more honest statement would be “the longest running show with exactly the same format and production schedule as what we have.”
Nothing says “Our main event is serious business,” like starting it at 10:53 while the announcers are more interested in talking about the yet-to-be-revealed announcement from the guy in jorts about his red lunchbox.
Wait, so this jackass refused to cash in his lunchbox for an easy title shot against a weakened champion? What a boy scout.

Friday Night Smackdown
Let me get this straight. The little masked guy who was just whining about wanting to beat up the rich Mexican guy (but not doing anything about it when he got into the ring) just told the rich Mexican guy and the Showoff guy with the blue lunch box that if they have a beef with each other, they should just “shut up and get it on.” So they both decide to attack the little masked guy, despite the fact that the guy with the lunch box JUST SAID TWO MINUTES AGO that he wasn’t out there for the little masked guy and had no issue with him? And then the pasty Irish guy ran out for no discernible reason whatsoever? If they wanted to book a match with these guys, why didn’t they just book that match and be done with it, rather than trying to give it a ridiculous, contrived, half-assed back story that made no sense at all?
If I hear the sports agent guy yell “Tag in the Prime Time Players!” one more damn time, I’m changing the channel.
Why does the guy with “Little Jimmy” written on his ass spend more time dancing than doing wrestling moves? And why does a grown man have “Little Jimmy” written on his ass anyway? Creepy.
So this big slow guy just single-handedly beat up the entire tag team division for no apparent reason? That says more about their tag team division being full of giant pantywaists than it does about the big slow guy being tough.
So the “YES!” couple have been so busy planning their wedding that four days after the proposal they had put together a video montage of the planning activities?
How is it that the little masked guy is “one of the greatest underdogs of all time?” Isn’t that an oxymoron?
So how is it that the rich Mexican guy and the guy with the blue lunch box (who were at each other’s throats in the opening segment) are working together so well that even the announcers are commenting on how good of a tag team they make?

IMPACT Wrestling
I have DirecTV, so no IMPACT this week.

Ring of Honor Wrestling
Why would the announcers make a point of telling you that the Irish guy in this first match is 53? Legend or not, a 25-year old beating up a 53-year-old man just doesn’t seem very impressive.
The guy with the poofy hair in the three-way match reminds me of Curly from “The Three Stooges.” Only this match is a hell of a lot more entertaining than that last movie was.
So the champion called the audience a bunch of “hypocritical pieces of sh*t” and they cheered?
Amazing how I don’t have as much to write about and make fun of when a show primarily consists of good action and not boring, drawn-out, contrived bullcrap.

The Final Verdict
Based on this week’s shows and this week’s shows only:
I would be MOST likely to tune in next week to watch Ring of Honor Wrestling.
I would be LEAST likely to tune in next week to watch Monday Night RAW.

Running Total Score:
Monday Night Raw:             5 Most 10 Least
Friday Night Smackdown:   3 Most 9 Least
IMPACT! Wrestling:              12 Most 3 Least  
Ring of Honor Wrestling:     5 Most 3 Least