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THE CYNICAL VIEW DEBUTS, LOOKING AT WWE'S UNFORGIVEN PPV

The name is Michael Campbell, Welcome to my first, “Cynical View” column. A long time fan/follower of WWE, and of many other wrestling feds, I’d like to say I’m easy to please, and not at all cynical. But that would be a complete lie.

The day after Unforgiven, and I’m finding it hard not to feel exhausted, and well, Unforgiving. For Vince McMahon and his WWE just ripped us all off royally by subjecting us to the dross that he labelled September’s PPV. My predictions were of course, well off for the most part, but hey… that’s because I was being far more optimistic than I should have been….

ECW Championship

They show a pretty damn good video package to warm us up for this. Good stuff. The fans are lively compared to usual when it comes to ECW. Some good mat-action starts this off. Although I don’t ever agree that a World title should open a show, even if it is the meaningless ECW belt, I feel this match is appropriate as a starter. Punk is in control in the early going, and when he tries to change this, the former Ring of Honor star pulls out some crisp kicks to chop him down. The botch an Irish whip, but go into a sequence in the corner, that swings things in the challenger’s favour. As Burke wears Punk down, the fans rally behind the champion, and he fights out athletically, before hitting his sick running knee. Nice pops from the crowd. His advantage doesn’t last long, as on the apron, Burke sweeps him to the outside, back-first, which looks nasty. Burke works the shoulder area, and then locks in a Boston Crab. Punk convincingly screams in pain, but the spot goes on a bit. Burke hit’s a nice German suplex or two, and nearly finishes the champion off, before attempting to synch in a Texas Cloverleaf variation. Punk escapes, but sill gets dominated, before landing a sudden enziguiri. Again, Burke maintains control though, until Punk pulls out the victory with a roll-up that just appeared out of thin air.

Amazingly weak finish for Punk, but it was still a very good match, and a nice way to open the show. Decent, but they’ve had better matches on free TV. The non-ECW viewers are continually reacting more favorably to the Chicago native now.

Hardy gets a big-time pop when he enters the arena, which he always does I guess. And it’s taken so long to push him why? And why not have the champs come out last here, seeing as D & D are heels? It’s those little things that really, really bug me.

As expected, the champs argue at the beginning, over who will start off. MVP does, with Domino. Formula action. Hardy comes in and squares off against Deuce, and it picks up a little. Nice swinging neck breaker by Matt. MVP tags in and hit’s a groovy clothesline/Bulldog combo, before Matt gets a blind tag and leaps in. Matt slaps Domino about a fair bit, and comes off the top with a cool flying axe-handle. Deuce double teams Matt though, and the heels finally take over. The crowd are really behind Matt, who is more over than both the Raw and Smackdown tag divisions combined. Deuce pulls out his repertoire of rest-holds, to keep Hardy down, but eventually the former Sensei of Mattitude connects with a side-effect, but isn’t able to make the tag, before he gets taken down again. MVP begins to leave ringside, abandoning his partner. Matt is double-teamed in the meantime, but kicks out! MVP has a change of heart, and returns, and cleans house when he is tagged in. Matt blind-tags him, and uses the US Champion as a battering ram, then hits Deuce with the Twist of Fate, to pick up the winning pin fall.

Nice finish. Continues the storyline. I felt that the belts would change hands, but I’m glad the WWE exhibited some restraint and didn’t go for that. The Greaser duo are still pretty awful in the ring, but there was enough going on here with Matt and MVP to effectively distract from their shortcomings, and result in a decent match overall.

Amazingly, The Game is the first of the two to come out. Literally amazing. The fans are hot for Hunter, who responds by bouncing the Caribbean one around the squared circle with his usual hard right hands and the like. Loud “Triple H” chants are in evidence. Carlito brings in a trashcan, but Hunter cuts him off. HHH completely dominates his opponent, with his hellish backbreakers and abdominal stretches. They go to the outside, where Carlito finally gains the upper hand with a shot from the ring bell. Obviously, this is followed by the usual cord-choking, and the use of the trashcan. Vile! Carlito picks up a near fall, that absolutely no one buys, because there’s no way he’s losing this match. HHH is driven into the can with a nice back-suplex, but I begin to tire of Carlito’s use of multiple trashcans. Hunter comes back with punches, then his high knee, followed by a face buster. Desperate, poor Carlton pulls out the ol’ salt in the eye trick, then finds himself a chair. But HHH hits a spine buster! In the end, with the referee’s back turned, The Game, sick of Carlito’s cheating, low blows the apple spitter, and pedigrees him for the win.

Well that was okay I guess. Carlito came across like an incompetent loser, whilst Triple still works like a heel-in-waiting. It certainly wasn’t bad at all, and probably, for third bout on the card, did what it should have. But they could have had a nice, competitive, maybe even exciting clash, and this just wasn’t. Completely functional.

Can’t wait for this. Neither can the fans in attendance judging by their silence. Beth overpowers the champion to start, and continues to do so for a few moments. Basic, dull action here. Candice tries to “build momentum” every so often, but generally just gets beat down. This is way too long. Michelle gets a couple of well-rehearsed spots in, then falls victim to a gorilla press, but kicks out at two. Candice randomly pulls off a really nice crucifix pin to get the fluke win. What a champ, eh?

Sigh. I’ll stop moaning about the quality of WWE’s presentation of Women's wrestling when they bother to offer us something that even resembles it. Absolutely worthless.

World Title Match

The video beforehand is hilarious, because it contains no promos whatsoever. Batista is through the curtain first, which surprises me, to a nice response. Similar reaction for the lad Rey too. Khali then stumbles onto the stage, to almost no reaction. I could not be looking forward to this less.

Rey is chucked to the outside right away. Khali works over Dave. Slowly. This is pretty bad stuff. Mysterio reappears, and the two faces combine, but Rey sneaks a pin attempt on his buddy. The crowd aren’t into it. Rey and Dave do some typical big/little man stuff, which Rey wins out on, until Khali awkwardly kicks him somewhere in the vicinity of his head. I’ll be shocked if this goes ten minutes. Khali attempts the vice grip on ‘Tista, and succeeds second time out. Rey cracks the champ with a chair to his ridiculous back, which ensures the crowd momentarily think it might be over, as the WWE is so inconsistent with their triple threat rules. Rey eats a punch, before Khali goes to the outside with Triple H’s former bum-chum. Heading back inside, he beats down the luchador unconvincingly, while Dave naps with the crowd. Khali has no idea what to do whilst Rey is selling a clothesline, and gawps for ages before attempting to work the fans. Speaking of them, they begin a weak “Baa-teest-ahh” chant. Khali gets the claw on Rey, who needs saving by Dave, who then ties him up in the ropes! Dave goes for the Batista Bomb on Rey, who reverses into a hurracanrana, and hit’s the 619 on Batista, then Khali. Khali falls on his ass comically, and takes a West Coast Pop, but before Rey can get the three, Dave picks him up and Powerbombs him onto the champion! Both guys slowly rise, and Dave shoves Rey aside, before hitting Khali with the gayest Spinebuster I’ve ever seen.

That’s it! New champ. Can’t say I’m excited. Batista sucks too after all. All my hopes for Rey are officially done….

Horrendous match. Just horrible. Sure, the lead up to the finish was pretty sweet (aside from the laughable spine buster), but it doesn’t excuse being presented with such unconvincing, rubbish action beforehand. On your average Ring of Honor show, the opening match is generally far superior to the at nonsense. That was like a TNA Impact main event. Which isn’t a good thing. Lasted nine minutes. Looks like Batista/Taker will headline No Mercy after all.

World Tag Title Match

The crowd are dead, and could not care less about the challengers. Is that a surprise? They’ve never once been given a reason to like these guys, yet no doubt management holds the wrestlers responsible for that lack of reaction. The commentators meanwhile, make no attempt to address how over the baby faces are, and instead discuss their outfits. Action is pretty decent, fast paced, but tough going with the zero crowd interest. The faces outsmart the bad guys repeatedly, but are never able to maintain the advantage. London and Kendrick pull out some nice dropkicks, and suicide dives, but the fans are determined not to get excited. The champs get back in control, and somehow London manages to get the crowd riled up, chanting for the former Spanky to get to his feet. Kendrick takes a fair beating, and London saves him from being pinned after a power slam. This is complete formula stuff involving guys who could do so much better. Kendrick dodges a ridiculous attempt by Murdoch to hit a top rope move, and tags his partner in. JR can’t tell them apart, and King tries to cover for him saying how difficult it is. Err… no? They have bloody different hair colours! London cleans house, and hit’s a springboard double stomp to the back. Standing shooting star, for the near-fall. Good action. There’s a hot near fall when Kendrick comes in and falls to a double-team shot. All four end up in the ring, and Cade hit’s a sit-down spin buster, before tossing London to the outside, which allows Murdoch the chance to get the pin.

JR describes this average match as an “outstanding, outstanding match, which is a complete and utter lie. It wasn’t even as watchable as the Smackdown tag, largely because the challengers have no personalities whatsoever. C’mon help these guys out! The finish was rushed, and disappointing. This feud has potential, but it’s tough to get excited when you don’t believe the WWE bother with pay offs.

Great ambiguous video package to introduce this battle. It really lends a dose of credibility to Orton’s challenge considering the way in which he lost last time out. The soon to be WWE champion emerges first. Whoops, that’s John Cena’s dad sitting front and centre. Hmm. One smells a tainted fish of a finish. The reaction to Cena is huge compared to that of Orton’s. But it’s also very mixed as usual. Crowd are buzzing. Cena’s red trainers are a horrifying eye sore. Both men look intense, and I realise that as each Unforgiven goes by, Orton looks increasingly like his pop. JR and the King increasingly plug the fact that Cena is a day away from holding the strap for a year. That makes me fear for the likelihood of a title change here.

Hot start! Both guys charge. Cena gets the advantage and is booed. He slaps Randall about quite a bit, which storyline wise, makes complete sense, but does him no favours with this crowd. Orton eventually gains control, and hits his DDT off the ropes pretty damn early. Nice. Cena tries to fight back, but misses a tackle, which leads to Orton applying his first rest-hold of the bout. Big “Let’s go Orton” chant begins, with some high pitched opposing song. As I watch this, I’m eating, and going back to type every couple of minutes.

The match ends.

What the hell? Cena freed himself from the sleeper, fought back, and punched away at Orton in the corner, until the referee tried to stop him. After refusing to break, and shoving the ref repeatedly, Cena is disqualified. You have to be kidding me. Afterwards, Orton cheap shots the Champion, and throws his dad over the barrier. He lands squarely on his head. Ouch. Cena then gets the STFU on, and his da boots Orton really awkwardly and dangerously in the head.

I understand doing this sort of finish. But what transpired just didn’t warrant the DQ, and in the meantime, they could have bothered to give us at least half a match. If I used Star ratings, I wouldn’t be using many up on this for sure….

It disgusts me each and every time Henry is gifted a main event, just because he’s enormously fat. These matches are serviceable in terms of storylines, and necessary to provide superstars big return moments, but to suggest they’re worth main eventing a PPV that cost folks forty bucks, is an absolute insult. Of the three big matches, I expected this to be the shortest. I still reckon the total combined time of those three bouts will be less than thirty.

Mark Henry comes out to absolutely no reaction whatsoever. It then takes at least five minutes before Undertaker steps foot in the ring. His entrance does look swell however. Admittedly, I fast-forward a good portion of it. Taker looks in great shapes. Henry sells fear, and looks like the ugly kid in Bad Santa when he does so.

Match starts, and Taker gets his shine, and it’s already BORING. Henry sets up a superplex in the corner, so I turn off for a minute, and when I return, he still hasn’t performed said maneuver. I think he does at some point but I’m not sure, as I’m too busy laughing at JBL’s comment about this being “the match of Henry’s career”.

Only someone like Michael Cole could genuinely enjoy this.

The two behemoths brawl around the outside, then the inside, but it’s all pretty much the same. I wonder does the Undertaker, who’s been in countless exciting, dramatic bouts, ever feel as ill as I do when he’s in this sort of encounter? It can’t be enjoyable for him either. I think I can here some isolated boring chants. Henry then hits some of his “Big” moves, but stalls, looking like an idiot. Taker rises up, and makes a comeback, chucks in a bit of Old School, a choke slam, a big boot, but gets caught in Henry’s ineffectual bear hug. Then Cole again refers to Henry’s “Limb-like arms”, which is so funny, it almost makes this worth watching. Taker hit’s the Last Ride. It’s over, but at twelve minutes or so, it was at least ten too long. Absolute garbage.

So that was Unforgiven. And what an Unforgiving pile of garbage it was. The tag matches, and Hunter/ Carlito were more formula than an instruction manual. The women’s match wasn’t a match of professional standard, nor was the main event, or the Smackdown title match for that matter.

Cena/Orton had all the potential in the world, but they had other ideas, and instead felt it was fine to offer about six minutes of action, in a match that was hyped as the main event. Disgraceful, absolutely disgraceful, and for anyone who paid for that, I’d be squealing for my cash back in my pocket. Punk vs. Burke, the opener with the result as obvious as Elton John’s hairpieces, was actually the best bout on the card, which says a lot for the WWE’s priorities and lack of focus. Unforgiven 07 didn’t rise from the toilet bowl that Summerslam was born into, instead it promptly nestled down beside it as the latest piece of crud that Vinnie is peddling as “wrestling!”. They’ll have to go a long way prior to the next PPV in order to rebuild this viewer’s faith in the product. Unforgiven didn’t deliver in any sense, it was an ordeal.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you have any comments, please get in touch at bazilalfonso@hotmail.com Until bell-time, thanks again.