WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? RANKING THE WORST GIMMICKS IN WWE HISTORY
By Doug Brown on 10/4/2007 11:31 AM
In my 22 years as a wrestling fan, I have seen probably the most interesting array of characters in any entertainment genre. While WWE has had many men and women go on to great success, it has also seen plenty of "What Were They Thinking?" moments. With the tension going around on-line with frequent heated debates about bad booking, I decided to lighten things up with a look at the best of the worst. In ranking the worst gimmicks, I had to consider lameness, longevity, damage done to a wrestler's career, and whether the character got over with the audience or not. I came up with an initial list of over 100 bad gimmicks, but for the purpose of time, I narrowed it down to the top 25.
25. Akeem, the African Dream - With the recent interview he did, I felt the need to include this one. The One Man Gang made quite a name for himself in Bill Watts' UWF feuding with Steve "Dr. Death" Williams, Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Then came the big move to the WWF in the mid-80's, and he even got some matches against then champion Hulk Hogan. Then it was decided that he needed to become a black man. In a series of vignettes on WWF television, the Gang's manager, Slick, took him to an African tribal ceremony, and soon the transformed the white, 450 pound street thug into a dancing "black" man dressed in Florida Marlins teal and yellow. He also began speaking in stereotypical jive, and carrying an oversized radio to the ring.
24. Abe "Knuckleball" Schwarz - Back during the last Major League Baseball Player's Strike in the mid 90's, WWE took some potshots. They even dressed up "the Brooklyn Brawler" Steve Lombardi in a baseball uniform, and painted his face up to look like a baseball. He started out by marching through the crowds carrying a picket sign to show he's on strike. Later, when Schwarz finally got into the ring, he would incorporate several things from baseball into his move set, including kicking imaginary dirt on the referee.
23. The Dragon - Upon his return from WCW after several classic five star battles with Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat appeared to be destined for mega-stardom. Instead, the brain trust at the WWF, decided to have him dress up in a dragon costume, and literally breathe fire before his matches. They also had the announcers pretend to have no idea who he is despite his status as a former Intercontinental Champion. Instead of referring to him as Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, he was just called "The Dragon."
22. Friar Ferguson - Mike Shaw, who went through many forgettable gimmicks in WCW, doesn't get off to the best start in the WWF. They made him a wrestling monk. Complete with robe, sandals, and holy water, Shaw's persona made the crowd go mild. He wrestled a few squashes, and then was later repackaged (more on that later.)
21. The Truth Commission - The commission consisted of Sniper, Recon, Tank, and the Interrogator (later renamed Kurrgan). They were originally managed by the Commandant, and later by Don "The Jackal" Callis. The Commission was billed as being from South Africa, and came to the ring in military attire. After the Jackal took over, things got silly. Sniper and Recon broke away from the Truth Commission, and attempted to become babyfaces. They went on Shotgun Saturday Night and attempted to warn fans about the Jackal's plan for world domination thus beating Stewie Griffin to the punch. The storyline was one of many that was later dropped with no explanation given.
20. Who - When the original Hart Foundation split up, Bret Hart's career skyrocketed as a singles star. His longtime partner, Jim Neidhart briefly left for WCW, before coming back to the Fed. Logic to most of us would dictate that they could have done a feud about Neidhart being jealous of Hart's new found success, and use the feud to elevate both men. Instead, they put a mask on Neidhart, and renamed him "Who." His matches then allowed the announcers to launch into their take on the famous Abbott-Costello "Who's on First" routine. The gimmick was dropped, and Neidhart began teaming with his other brother in-law, Owen Hart, as the New Foundation.
19. Albert, the Hip Hop Hippo - With Grandmasta Sexay gone from the WWF, the creative team felt the need to get Scotty Too Hotty a new partner. Enter the 350 pound frame, and size eight and three eighths head, of Albert. Albert was not exactly as light on his feet as the Grandmaster was, nor did he and Scotty click as well as a team. It was the only babyface stint of Albert's career. However, with a nickname of the "Hip Hop Hippo", it was not destined for success. He turned on Scotty, and later became the A-Train.
18. Mantaur - Jim Cornette was a great manager in his day, but this is one I'm sure he'd like to forget. He did his best to sell us on the half man, half minotaur. However, once Mantaur came to the ring wearing a stuffed bull's head, it was very difficult to take him seriously. I'd love to know how he saw out of that thing.
17. Adorable Adrian Adonis - Back in the day, Adrian Adonis was a talented in-ring competitor. He formed great tag teams with Jesse Ventura in the original AWA, and with Dick Murdoch in the WWF. However, somewhere along the way, he must have ticked off the wrong people. Adonis went from wearing leather jackets to wearing lace. They started to dress him up in women's clothing, had him wear makeup, and even host his own Piper's Pit knockoff called "The Flower Shop." To Adrian's credit, he did the best he could to make the gimmick work. He even got to face the Rowdy One at Wrestlemania III, in the first of Piper's many last matches.
16. El Matador - One of my favorite guys when I first started watching wrestling was Tito Santana. Tito had just lost the Intercontinental Title to Randy Savage. Fast forward about six years later. The WWF was in the habit of reinventing its older performers. After Strike Force broke up, Tito went on a little bit of a losing streak. Santana went back to his native Mexico, and did a serious of vignettes, where he learned about bullfighting. The theory was that this would somehow help him return to his old winning ways. Tito Santana became El Matador. He would come to the ring dressed as if he going into a bullfight complete with red cape. At the end of each promo, his trademark "Arriba," was changed to "Ole!" Thankfully, despite this forgettable run, he still wound up taking his rightful spot in the WWE Hall of Fame.
15. Thurman "Sparky" Plugg - Just watch some old tapes of this if you ever want to find out why Bob Holly has such a nasty disposition. Hardcore Bob originally came to us as a two sport athlete, a race car driver/professional wrestler. He was also always smiling, and was portrayed as a good ol' boy. Holly also had to wear numerous multicolored tights, which always had a checkered flag on his back or butt.
14. Saba Simba - Tony Atlas was a pioneer in wrestling. He and Rocky Johnson were the first ever African American duo to hold the WWF World Tag Team Championship. Atlas re-entered the WWF, and it was decided that he should "return to his roots." The former Mr. USA started dressing in tribal attire, carried a spear to the ring, and even did a ritual dance. It may have been a good thing Booker and Sharmell didn't get to go on that African tour after all.
13. Xanta Klaus - Prior to becoming Balls Mahoney, he was Santa's Evil Twin Brother! Xanta Klaus had only a couple of appearances in a two week feud with Savio Vega. According to his then manager, Ted Dibiase, Xanta Klaus lived at the South Pole, and stole presents from children. Someone then realized that they could only do this gimmick once a year, so Xanta was sent packing, and eventually wound up in the original ECW.
12. The Goon - Journeyman wrestler Wild Bill Irwin finally got his shot at the WWF. However, when he debuted, Irwin's cowboy gimmick had been replaced by that of a hockey player. Irwin wore hockey jerseys, goalie gloves (that he would throw down to start each match), and his wrestling boots were made to resemble ice skates. His finishing move was known as the "Cross-Check," which would knock out his opponents at ringside, and he would always win matches by count out.
11. Isaac Yankem DDS - Before he was Kane, Glen Jacobs debuted as the evil wrestling dentist. After losing a "Kiss My Foot" match to Bret Hart at the King of the Ring in 1995, Jerry Lawler went to see Dr. Yankem, who had dark yellow teeth. Lawler then recruited Yankem to fight the Hitman at Summerslam. After previously appearing as "The Christmas Creature" for Lawler's Memphis promotion, this was actually a step up.
10. Giant Gonzalez - It is a shame he doesn't still wrestle, because if WWE could have had he and the Great Khali face each other, we would no doubt see the worst match ever. It would be like one of those train wrecks, where you can't look away because it is so horrible. Gonzalez was brought in to face the Undertaker after a less than stellar run as El Gigante in WCW. The geniuses at Titan Towers decided to turn him into Bigfoot complete with a full body suit outlining his "muscles," and fur on his shoulders. Get a copy of Wrestlemania IX, if you did not get a chance to see him in person.
9. "The Portugese Man O'War" Aldo Montoya - Prior to his time as Justin Credible in ECW, he was Aldo Montoya. He started his run with the WWF as job guy P.J. Walker. One evening on Raw, he scored a surprise win over Irwin R. Schyster. Creative dressed him in the colors of his "native" Portugal red, yellow, and green. However, since he was really a New Yorker instead of from Portugal, they decided to disguise his identity by making him wear what appeared to many as a yellow jock strap on his head. I kid you not.
8. T.L. Hopper - Back in the mid-90's, "the Dirty White Boy" Tony Anthony was the number one babyface for Jim Cornette's Smoky Mountain Wrestling. After I think it was 16 or 17 years on the indy circuit, he finally got the call to the bright lights of the WWF. Unfortunately, it was so he could become T.L. Hopper, the wrestling plumber. The highlight of his WWF run was fishing what appeared to be a turd out of a swimming pool at a pay-per-view.
7. "The Wife Stalker" Diamond Dallas Page - One of the first parts of the Invasion angle that WWE blew was this one. For several weeks, while the Dead Man was on the road, someone had been following his wife Sara around, and taking videos of her. The Stalker was later revealed to be Diamond Dallas Page. Why someone who is married to one of the most beautiful women in the world would even consider someone else is beyond me. (No offense, Mrs. Calloway.) Most thought the feud would be exciting with a former WCW Champion against a former WWF champion. Instead, Page was absolutely buried. He even wound up jobbing a match to Sara Calloway, the very woman he stalked.
6. Bastion Booger - If poor Mike Shaw didn't think they could top Friar Ferguson, he was about to find out otherwise. As Bastion Booger, he was placed in a grungy looking gray outfit that looked like someone just rolled him up in duct tape. His entrance music began with "I'm the Booger Man," and then proceeded to become a collection of belching and farting noises.
5. Outback Jack - With the popularity of Crocodile Dundee, the WWF thought they could capitalize buy bringing in their own import from Australia. Outback Jack was built up in vignettes for seemingly months on the old syndication programs. The act never caught on, even when he was paired up with Hillbilly Jim. After doing some jobber duty, Outback Jack soon disappeared never to be heard from again.
4. Steven Regal, A Real Man's Man - After his initial run with WCW, Regal jumped to the WWF. As you may have guessed by now, WWF/WWE likes to put their own spin on the wrestlers. Regal went from British Nobleman to a lumberjack. He dressed in flannel, wore a hard hat, and squeezed his own orange juice by hand, among other things. He even came to the ring with quite possibly the cheesiest theme music ever. It is on "WWE the Anthology" C.D. #2 cut #19 for those interested in hearing it.
3. The New Razor Ramon and the New Diesel - It's no secret that back in the mid-90's Vince was very upset with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash for jumping to WCW, and taking them to new heights as part of the NWO. They decided to concoct a story that involved Jim Ross, who was running talent relations at the time, to say that Razor Ramon and Diesel were coming back. Hall and Nash knew nothing about this. Ross attempted to turn heel, and introduced Rick Bogner as the New Razor Ramon, and Glen "Kane" Jacobs as the New Diesel. There were rumored plans of a new 1-2-3 Kid as well, but that never materialized. The WWF learned what CBS learned when they tried to replace Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance on "The Dukes of Hazzard." The phonies didn't get over, and the fans didn't want to boo J.R.
2. The Red Rooster - In the mid-80's Terry Taylor was one the rising stars for the original UWF. One of my favorite matches of all time was when he teamed with the Fantastics to face Jack Victory and the Sheepherders in a six man barbed wire steel cage match. Taylor was turned heel during a brief stint in the NWA. He then left for the WWF and was given Bobby Heenan for a manager. This was when Vince was really getting into that mentality of being "just a wrestler" is not enough. On the Brother Love Show, Heenan proclaimed Taylor, "The Red Rooster." Taylor later turned on Heenan, and became a babyface again. The gimmick consisted of him entering the ring to a rooster crowing. They colored the middle of his hair red, and spiked it to make it more rooster-like. They even had him peck at the air like a rooster, and his finisher was known as the "Cock of the Walk." Taylor switched back and forth between the WWF and WCW, but his once promising career never recovered.
1. The Goobledygooker - For the first few years of its existence, the Survivor Series was always held on Thanksgiving night. One year, the WWF started bringing around a huge egg to its live events. For months, Mean Gene Okerlund pondered out loud what could be inside. Then at the Survivor Series event, the egg finally hatched. It was Hector Guerrero in a giant cartoonish turkey costume. The payoff to the story was booed out of the building as the Gooker and Okerlund danced in the ring to "Turkey in the Straw." Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper tried selling this as best they could. Piper even flat out lied that the fans loved him, and that he should be their new official "Survivor Series" mascot. The Gobbledygooker gag had laid an egg. The legend of the turkey man lives on as wrestlecrap.com each year gives the Gooker Award to the worst thing in wrestling.
Feedback may be sent to me at brownsbros3@yahoo.com. Let me know if you would have ranked some folks higher, or lower, or even mention some of your favorite bad gimmicks that didn't make the list.
